To ask when your instinct was correct

[HeidiHaughton]

Read the Gift Of Fear a few years ago. Confirmed a lot of what I thought anyway. A friend was dating a man everyone thought was fantastic. The minute I met him I didn't like him and saw right through him. I got the impression he knew I saw through him too. He ended up putting her through an awful time and she eventually moved across the country to get away from him. Reading the thread on the creep putting cards in the door and staring in the window reminded me of how we're conditioned to always think the best of people.

Went to scout out a new venue for Mu hobby group. The guy who ran it gave me the absolute willies. Despite the other group members really liking him and the venue, I refused to go back. Which was lucky, as he had a reputation for defrauding hobby groups in the other places he'd lived and run venues.

My hobby group! Not Mu. We're not cows...

When I first met my best friend's boyfriend I knew he was an arsehole immediately. Marriage, kids and 20 years later she eventually saw the light when he divorced her out of the blue. I'm so very sad as she deserved proper love and attention, not a man who took her for granted and left her cold.

My other friends gradually saw the light over the years and admitted that I'd always said he was a total arsehole. Not abusive , just arrogant, cold, uncaring and really doesn't like women.

We're trying to persuade her to tentatively date again, but 4 years on and she's still affected by how he belittled her.

I remember being at my cousins house when her uncle came over and was surprised I was there. He was very smiley and friendly towards me but something about the way he looked at me made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I quickly made my excuses and my cousin dropped me off at my nans. I remember my dad going ballistic that I was at my cousins house and that he was alone with her but i thought it was just him being his overprotective self. My cousin moved in with my nan shortly after. Years later I found out her uncle is now a convicted paedophile.

A new neighbour of my parents. Older man, very handsome and charming, down to earth, helpful. My mum adored him and over a couple of years he became very good friends with my parents. I just always had this feeling about him and I told mum how I felt. I couldn't warm to him despite how lovely he seemed, he made me shudder. Then he was suddenly arrested, he was a paedophile who had reoffended.

Family friend always around very kind friendly always at every event gave me the creeps didn't like him for no real reason told mum I didn't like him he was a weirdo told me not to be silly "he's lovely" turned out to be a flasher and abused another's friends daughter same age as me. Also she got a lodger a"nice young bloke" another "lovely" one I took an instant dislike didn't trust him went round there one day when she was away and he had 2 young teenage girls from local school round in their lunch hour (he was 20) and had been doing coke every night on her best mirror

Yes my instinct about my friends daughter was correct, she was evil

My instinct about a senior member of my current team was way off unfortunately. At my interview he seemed really nice and gentle. He's actually a vicious narcissist. Sadly I found out when it was too late, I'm now trying to address the issues via HR processes.

I’ve never liked my friends partner despite most people thinking he’s an ok guy. I always said to my dh that he had nothing behind the eyes. He was like a hollow person with a fake persona.
He has recently left her for another woman and the cruelty he has shown towards my friend and her dc’s is horrible. I can’t help feeling I was right all along!

Yes, I knew somebody who was very nice on the surface but I always said he was the type that could murder someone and his neighbours would appear on the news saying how quiet and lovely he was. Turned out he’d been stealing items from bereaved people when he was visiting them in a work capacity, and selling them on eBay. He’d made thousands and thousands of pounds from it. He lost his job but it didn’t go any further, and we later found out he’d previously done community service for stealing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he committed further crimes.

There's definitely a lot of confirmation bias. It's interesting as well the person in childrens services saying about their intuition. A few years ago we really battled with a preschool who had 'intuition' about my son and special needs. It was a real challenge as first time parents against those who claim to be qualified etc. It went all the way to a local authority referral then paediatric referral who threw the whole thing out and our child has no additional needs but do I think any of the 3 people involved ever paid any attention and admitted their intuition was wrong? No chance. I work in the same department as one of the women and sometimes I wish I could say to her, that time she told me my son was only copying my language and wasn't really able to come up with sentences of his own - that she was wrong and it was a really traumatic experience for us and our son (no 3 year old deserves that level of scrutiny, the poor kid.) They just think 'one day he'll be diagnosed' but no, he's still a perfectly normal kid!

I've had had feelings about people and been wrong quite a few times - it's no reflection on my judgement, if anything the first impressions we get are very dodgy and unreliable as they come from a far more primative part of our brain.

Had the gut instinct a few times. The most memorable:

When I was a child a dad of another child at school most of us kids were "creeped out" by him & gave a wide berth. He was arrested and had been abusive to his wife & kids.

The ex of one of my aunties didn't like him. Told my mum I didn't like being alone near him. Again abusive arsehole (found out years later).

1 of the guys in our block at uni. My mates thought he was fantastic questioned as to why I was cold/distant from him. Just had a gut feeling that he wasn't a good guy. He ended up stealing from a few of my mates & being a general dick. (didn't have the fear with this one just didn't want to be his friend).

Been burned a few times so it's not foolproof but I've learnt to listen if I get the feeling. I can be polite enough whilst keeping my guard up.

Twice that I know of.

Once was a customer at work in my weekend job. Most customers aimed, if they could, for the older/experienced staff as they got a more technical conversation (car garage) whereas I clocked he had a habit of aiming for me or the other junior. I just found him creepy and my stomach felt weird when I had to speak to him. I mentioned it to my boss, just in general conversation, and he was so outraged that I was the one that had to serve the guy every time. The guy seemed amused by how uncomfortable I was. Just after I turned 17 he was all over the papers for raping and murdering a young woman, then they realised he was responsible for a few other murders too.

The other one was DH’s former best friend. I disliked him instantly on meeting him even though he was polite and charming. I think he knew as well as he instantly hated me and used to tell DH he could do better etc. We seen each other socially for a couple of years and DH was once upset because the guys always took the kids on a camping trip in summer, just for a couple of nights, and I refused to allow my girls to join them. It’s still one of the few “you can take your child, but you’re not taking mine” moments we’ve ever had. A few years later one of his children confided to their teacher that father sexually abused them. Turned out he’d abused all of his children and two others (at least).

I used to go to a church where there was a man who had been convicted of paedophilia in the past. Everyone was saying it's in his past and God forgives him etc.
One day I was in the ladies loo changing my babies nappy and his wife came in. I made small talk with her like I would with anyone, but she didn't smile back. There was something so "wrong" but I didn't know what it was. It was like a coldness. I never could fathom it, but I refused to ever let my kids spend time around either of them and after that weird encounter, I avoided both of them.

Many years later I found out that he had reoffended a number of times and gone back to prison several times. I don't know why the bugger was let out in the first place.

We are conditioned to think the best of people, especially in churches - but it really shouldn't be the case. I now feel that we should look at what a person is exhibiting in their behaviour and demeanor. Several things have made me a wary, untrusting person, but usually quite accurate.
Shall I say, if you have been abused you will usually recognise an abuser by the way you feel around them.