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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take a step back from my teen daughter

21 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/02/2021 13:35

Huge back story - my daughter is almost 18 and I've brought her up pretty much on my own. Abusive and controlling ex husband who I split up from 10 years ago. He continued to try and control both of us from afar. It took me years to distance myself from his bullshit and not let it impact on my mental health any more.

However his behaviour towards our daughter is the same and I have been trying to help her though it as best I can. I've paid for private therapy to try and teach her some coping tactics and build some resilience. She's got to the point where she just doesn't want to see him and I am helping her to assert herself with him.

Things blew up last night due to an issue I've been trying to help her with regarding some inheritance she's due to receive from her grandparents. We found out recently that her dad (who holds the trust) has used a lot of the money to pay her school fees and pay to take her on holiday. I have a whole separate thread running about that so not looking for specific advice! But the row last night was around me supposedly trying to control the communications with her dad about this issue and not letting her deal with it her way.

This is quite upsetting because all I've tried to do is shield her from further abuse and emotional blackmail from him. Everything I've done has been to try and protect her. Her mental health has not been in a great place (it's better now that she's getting some help) but I have been extremely mindful not to trigger her any further. I feel like I've been treating her with kid gloves for months now and it's not sustainable.

I've also tried to explain to her that the way her dad is treating her is hugely triggering to me - when I have to read bullshit emails from him full of emotional blackmail and coercion it makes me very angry and upset. I also feel like I've put myself under so much pressure to over compensate for her dad's behaviour that it's really taking a toll on me.

So my AIBU is should I take a step back and let her deal with this herself as she claims she wants to do? She will be going to university this year and I'm very mindful that she needs to build some emotional resilience before she's living away from home.

OP posts:

Santaiscovidfree · 09/02/2021 13:39

To be blunt has your determination to protect her actually prevented her from gaining any sense of control or ability to deal with her own life? Before I was 18 I had left home and had a dc. Quite far away from my dm managing my life.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/02/2021 13:42

Quite possibly, yes. But I wouldn't say that I'm managing her life. My actions have only been to protect her from her other parent who happens to be an abusive narcissist. But I realise that she won't have me there all the time in the future.

OP posts:

Aimee1987 · 09/02/2021 13:46

I would step back and let her deal with it her way. Just let her know you are there if it goes wrong. Also encourage her to keep getting counselling and tbh I thi k mabey you could do with some counselling yourself if your still having a tough time.

Thatwentbadly · 09/02/2021 13:46

She is nearly an adult. Unless she asks for your help in communicating with her father you shouldn’t involve yourself. Take a huge step back and tell her occasionally that you are there is help her if she asks.

Bubblebu · 09/02/2021 14:06

Tell her you love her but her behaviour is disrespectful. Say she has to move out.
Say you have full confidence she will thrive living away from home.

NettleTea · 09/02/2021 14:09

from having looked at a few inheritances where money for minors are held in trust, using money for education/school fees is perfectly allowed and even written into most. Also living costs, to a certain extent while they are in education. I am assuming your ex is a trustee and he will have a detailed account of everything that has been spent.

however she is 18 and I do think you need her to be in control of how she deals with him - she is never going to learn if you dont allow her to. I do totally understand what you are saying, as have a similar situation and, apart from a couple of times (now a couple of years on) where I have had to point out that she is being drawn into his drama, Ive been amazed at how well she can sort the true from the bullshit. My daughter similarly has MH issues but you need to remember that SHE IS NOT YOU, and so wont feel/react the way you might.

I know that the letters/contact can be triggering, but bluntly, thats a you problem and you need to, for her sake, not allow your feelings to further muddle her thinking. Otherwise that is an emotional blackmail of its own kind, and Im sure that you dont want to add further to her problems.

Step back. Trust her to deal with it. Let her know you will be there if (dont be tempted to add 'and when') it goes wrong and dont get involved in the drama.

Keratinsmooth · 09/02/2021 14:20

I’ve read your other thread, I would deal with the inheritance then let her crack on with however she wants to deal with her Dad. He can’t be trusted about the money and you have BIL on same page as you. She isn’t 18 and this is a legal matter, say that.

Fastestbrownie · 09/02/2021 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BaggoMcoys · 09/02/2021 14:32

I think step back and let her deal with things, but tell her you're going to do so because you're respecting her wishes and will be available for help/support/advice if she does need any.

suspiria777 · 09/02/2021 14:33

OP, i mean this gently:

You're making this far too much about you.Your feeling, your upset, your previous relationship, your triggers -- and that last one is especially unfair of you because the reason you're triggered is because you keep inserting yourself into the situation when a) you don't need to and b) she has asked you not to.

You don't have to be so involved, and you need to learn that her feelings are not something that is happening to you and your feelings are not something she can control or is to blame for.

Krampusnolongerbabysits · 09/02/2021 14:35

Was going to add the same that a trust absolutely allows for money to be spent on education and certain activities that are specifically for your daughter. Just because her father was abusive and controlling does not mean, you are automatically innocent of such overbearing behaviour, even if it comes from a place of wanting to protect your daughter.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/02/2021 14:42

@Keratinsmooth

This is the problem though, she doesn't want me to deal with the inheritance issue any more either. There's a load of other detail that I haven't gone into around him not producing accounts, her wanting to get out of private education and him not permitting her to move, but I don't want to go into detail about that on this thread.

I guess why my thread sounds a bit 'all about me' is because I feel like I've thrown everything at her for the last few years and have maybe been neglecting myself. The argument last night has just made me reflect a bit on that.

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 09/02/2021 15:03

Bubblebu

Tell her you love her but her behaviour is disrespectful. Say she has to move out.
Say you have full confidence she will thrive living away from home.

This is appalling advice! Are you deliberately being a troll or do you actually believe that throwing the daughter out after an argument is good parenting?

Back on topic, I think you should let her try handling it herself. She's nearly an adult and can't be protected or sheltered for much longer.

DinosaurDiana · 09/02/2021 15:06

She is an adult, time to let her do her own life. You need to let go and concentrate on yourself.

MessAllOver · 09/02/2021 15:06

She's being a teenager (admittedly one that's had some difficult things to deal with and process recently). I agree... don't make this all about you.

Tell her she's not yet an adult so you'll be dealing with the trust issue, she's old enough now to choose what relationship she has with her dad and, while she's living with you, she has to be civil, respectful and help around the house. In return, you will try to be considerate and respectful towards her.

A 17 year old shouldn't be left to deal with a legal matter on their own, though. The trustees should be doing that (the other trustee, if her father has defrauded the trust).

Longdistance · 09/02/2021 15:11

I think I read your last thread. Is he the one that wants money from the inheritance for his dc too. He’s got a dodgy solicitor ‘friend’?
I’d step back from protecting your dd she’s nearly an adult. As for the messages from your ex, as your dd is at that age he can communicate with her directly with things. Block his email address. She’s well old enough now. You don’t need his ‘input’.

Floofboopsnootandbork · 09/02/2021 15:13

Tell her you love her but her behaviour is disrespectful. Say she has to move out

They had one argument and you think she should kick her out? God I feel sorry for your kids.
As for her being disrespectful we have no idea what she she even said past she thinks the op is controlling something which she in fact is.

DiscoGlitterBall · 09/02/2021 15:20

So you have supported her to get therapy, build up emotional resilience and coping strategies and has told you clearly that you have overstepped.

It seems to me that your aim to equip her with the right tools has paid off and your upset that she is now using this resilience to clearly set boundaries with you.

Maybe support her but step back from doing it all for her?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/02/2021 15:26

@Longdistance yes - that's the one. He's said he'll pay it back but now he's delaying...attaching conditions to it all....eg 'when I see you I'll show you x' when she's told him she doesn't want to see him.

I think you're all right - I need to take a step back. Thanks. Who knew dealing with teens would be so hard.

OP posts:

Snowsnowglorioussnow · 09/02/2021 15:33

Op this is such a tricky situation!
I have sort of similar but with the in laws being extremely manipulative and then when they get you there you enter mils toxic web where we are supposed to worship. at her alter and worry about the same things

You try and keep dc away for their MH but then you fall into the trap of also being manipulative its utterly awful!! I cant hold them back once dc are older by then I just have to say - if they drive you mad and keep pestering you - and you don't want that - you have our blessing to pull back say no etc.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 09/02/2021 17:16

I think where I've found it difficult is that I've had to be involved in the past - eg if she's been at her dad's and I have to go and pick her up if they've had a row and she's upset, and last summer and was out with friends and ended up having a panic attack 10 miles away from home and had to be rescued. So it's knowing where to draw the line and leave her to it - it's difficult.

OP posts:

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