To ask what a normal relationship feels like (I think my partner has aspergers)

[Applepea1]

There are so many reasons why I think this which I won't go into. But I'm finding it hard to quantify what is missing at the core of our relationship. I need to explain this to myself as well as him. We've been together 12 years I've lost myself and sight of 'normal' .

Hi, i didnt want to read and not reply.

Relationships that are missing something dont necessarily mean that its one, or both partners fault, or one of the partners have aspergers. Apart from which Aspergers incorporates such a wide range of behaviours that it would be impossible to say based on your post.

How are you feeling generally, are you unhappy with anything specific? Have you talked to them about it? How do they feel?

Its ok to leave a relationship at any point and for any reason.

I didn't really want to get into the aspergers, my partner agrees and is going to pursue a diagnosis. I just wondered what normal should feel like and put in the aspergers as I now understand this leads to completely abnormal relationships.

Bit of a generalisation there about Autism. Lots of autistic people have very ordinary healthy relationships. Can you elaborate more on what you think is missing?

Hello, just to say, you can still have a perfectly normal relationship in with someone with Asperger's. I'm sorry things are hard for you though.

I think a lot of people feel that something is missing, they've lost themselves, they are generally unsatisfied, after 12 years in a relationship (often in less time than this).

It is hard to quantify what is normal. I would say a normal relationship is where your partner only adds to your happiness and you are relaxed and happy when you are with them. You can count on them to help you out and can trust them. It goes both ways.

Maybe you could give examples of what things are like with your partner and we can say whether we think it is normal and acceptable or not?

There’s a thread for people in a similar situation in Relationships. Will see if I can find it.

I've been seeing a therapist for depression and we worked out a list of what's important to me in relationships. High up was friendship. When I discussed the list with my partner he said he didn't see that as important at all, he didn't see the need to have friends. A week later I asked if maybe the aspergers affected his need for us to be friends and he had no idea what I was talking about having forgotten all about the conversation. At the height of my depression I told him how my emotional pain was killing me. He said he thought our relationship needed work and it would help if I bigged him up a bit more. When I'm upset he says "I don't know what to do so I'll just leave you alone until you feel better". That's a tiny tip of an iceburg.

I woudl say that at the heart of every good relationship is communication.

So, my friend dh's has apsergers, but they communicate and communciate so much. They are able to talk about the things they struggle with and the things they don't understand about each other. That then allows them to try and understand, and to find ways to male it work.

What strikes me about what you have posted is that you don't have that with him, so for me the key thing would be help in learning how to talk and listen to eahc other better.