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Original poster

Greeting card etiquette

75 replies

Gcnq · 08/02/2021 11:03

Is this a Faux Pas and not the "done thing" or is this perfectly normal?

You write out a birthday card to long standing friend, roughly as follows

Dear X hope you have a lovely birthday, looking forward to meeting up after pandemic, what a strange year it's been. We're pleased to let you know that [insert very good news about self and your own family].

Unreasonable message or not unreasonable message?

OP posts:
Shamoo · 08/02/2021 11:36

I personally wouldn’t do it, but unless it was something really insensitive it wouldn’t bother me if somebody else did it to me. So depends a lot on what the info was!

Eg we have struggled with fertility. If somebody announced a pregnancy in my birthday card I would think them a dick. If I had three kids already and they announced it, I wouldn’t be bothered. Context is key!

Tianatiers · 08/02/2021 11:40

It wouldn't bother me if someone did this in a birthday card to me.

Original poster
Gcnq · 08/02/2021 11:41

It wasn't pregnancy at all! I'm very sensitive to that sort of thing and have never announced that via birthday card message.

It's the sort of news that she's already "ahead of me" in life iykwim like, job security prospects sort of thing.

OP posts:
LApprentiSorcier · 08/02/2021 11:41

@Gcnq

Well it's done now (the offending card was actually sent in the summer) and friend has been passive-agressive with me since! I've only just thought this is probably what it's about.

Do I bring up the card I sent last summer and apologize?

The news wasn't a surprise or anything, I was actually at her house when the "beginning" of the news started, of the sort that may or may not have worked out so the message was to say it had worked out.

Is she right to be completed miffed at ne? It was possibly bad timing, I was excited about it it happened to be her birthday and thought she'd be pleased.

If she's been pass ag with you for six months I'd question whether it's worth trying to fix it. That's childish, in my opinion - she should either have said straight out that she was hurt, or let it go. If you'd realised within a short time you could have brought it up but personally, six months later, I would leave her to get over it in her own time.
Honeyroar · 08/02/2021 11:41

I must be the odd one out, I love a letter with a birthday card. It feels much more personal than a general “happy birthday, have a lovely day.” It always feels like they’ve gone to a lot more effort if they add a letter.

Lemonsyellow · 08/02/2021 11:44

@Honeyroar

I must be the odd one out, I love a letter with a birthday card. It feels much more personal than a general “happy birthday, have a lovely day.” It always feels like they’ve gone to a lot more effort if they add a letter.
A letter with the birthday card is fine. The issue here is writing your own news on the birthday card.
AdventureIsWaiting · 08/02/2021 11:45

No, don't. By all means ask her why she's annoyed, but don't assume and apologise for something you aren't sure about.

We had some neighbours who became good friends (meals at each other's houses, long chats in the street, attended each other's weddings etc.). Known them for years. Suddenly realised four months after our wedding (a few years ago now) that the wife hadn't spoken to us in a while and was actively avoiding us. She then proceeded to cut me dead at a village event when I went over to chit-chat. Husband is on nodding terms, but no more.

We have literally no idea what we've done. Periodically we wonder. It can only have happened at our wedding, but we'll never know what it was. Too much time has passed now to have it out with her and tbh, as we weren't murdering pets or encouraging fights or something on the day (and everyone else said they had a great time), I fail to see how we could have offended enough to warrant that reaction.

Which is a long way of saying, her behaviour is unnecessary if that's what's offended her enough to be funny with you.

BaggoMcoys · 08/02/2021 11:45

Hmm it would depend what the news is for me. Also I once had a friend who made everything about her. So if you had a habit of making everything about you then I'd see this as another instance of that and be annoyed. If it was a one-off then I wouldn't mind.

dottiedaisee · 08/02/2021 11:45

If I received a birthday card with ‘news’ I wouldn’t even give it a second thought and would just be glad to receive a card .

BaggoMcoys · 08/02/2021 11:47

@AdventureIsWaiting do you remember if you spoke to them at the wedding? At my exes sister's wedding we got a bit annoyed because when she went round speaking to everyone, when it came to us we'd barely exchanged hellos when she spotted someone far more exciting standing behind us, and rushed off to see them. My ex was more annoyed than me, but it was a bit rude! I haven't held it against her though (only remembered it now while reading your post).

Honeyroar · 08/02/2021 11:48

Lemons yellow I really don’t care if the letter is written on paper or the birthday card. It can still go up on the mantle piece with writing inside. I don’t see the issue personally.

MindGrapes · 08/02/2021 11:49

Surprised at the responses tbh. I like putting a bit extra in the card, usually something jokey about what we've been up to (e.g. bingeing Dexter again, what has my life become - if we'd originally both been watching Dexter together years ago).

Bit of a letter and update is nice, but wouldn't have anything that's an "announcement" I guess.

Godimabitch · 08/02/2021 11:49

It kinda hits me as being an extreme version of when someone rings you to tell you about something in their life and you just start talking about yourself. Like you're so disinterested in them and so self centred that you couldn't even write them a birthday card without talking about yourself. I'm not saying that you are selfish, just I can imagine the people I know who would do this.

I would also think, since it didn't occur to you as being a bit weird, that there's a chance you do often talk about yourself when you should be talking about someone else? It may be that it was the straw that broke the camels back if it's a recurring behaviour from you.

In what way is she being passive aggressive?

BaggoMcoys · 08/02/2021 11:50

Well it's done now (the offending card was actually sent in the summer) and friend has been passive-agressive with me since! I've only just thought this is probably what it's about.

You should ask her op. Say you feel things have been a distant between the two of you recently and you wanted to check if everything was ok?

IrmaFayLear · 08/02/2021 11:50

I suppose we all have our own sensitivities - whether that be baby news, or career success or a child’s academic achievement etc etc and might have a response ranging from a bit of a curled lip to full-blown misery.

Being “off” just because of a message though seems a bit ott and perhaps other things as well are pissing off OP’s friend.

PattyPan · 08/02/2021 11:53

I don’t think writing about yourself in a birthday card is good because it should be about them. It would maybe be acceptable if it was something that related to them e.g. you were moving to their street or had got a job where they worked but even then I would have let them know the news another way.
However, your friend is BU to be off with you for so long without explaining why!

positiveIONS · 08/02/2021 11:53

I wouldn't have written something like that in a card, I would be worried it would come across boasty / detracting from my friend's limelight. But if I received the card and it was OTT I'd have a giggle with my husband about it being a bit self-absorbed, leave it at that and not mention it to my friend or let it affect our relationship. Are you sure your friend has not just got something else going on in his/her life? A lot of us have got pandemic fatigue and have lost the ability to be "social" any longer!

Sparklesocks · 08/02/2021 11:57

Being pass agg about a card 6 months on feels like overreacting. Is that definitely the only reason she’s ‘off’?

Passive aggression is childish anyway, you should be able to tell your friends when/how they’ve upset you rather than quieting stewing and being prickly for a sustained period of time to ‘punish’ them for it.

PegasusReturns · 08/02/2021 12:01

Any news in a birthday card should be really low key:

“We managed to get out yesterday for a walk, we’re all bored stiff” is fine

“Monty has just been accepted into the prestigious royal academy and Minty came first in the regional badminton finals” is not.

A birthday card should contain nothing that overshadows the recipient.

speaksofty · 08/02/2021 12:04

My friends and I often include a letter sometimes in a birthday card, therefore you can actually transfer news and information without ruining the birthday wishes that are intended, and can be put to one side until after the celebrations. No one wants to read about Arabella's grade eight exam on their birthday it is annoying!!!! Grin You are clearly well or you wouldn't be sending a card.

AdventureIsWaiting · 08/02/2021 12:04

@BaggoMcoys We did - hello, goodbye, chat at the meal and sent them a handwritten thank you card for their present. That's why I found it so odd. Although tbh as long as I get a hello from the B&G I don't hold it against them - weddings are busy enough as it is; there isn't enough time to have a proper chat with everyone.

speaksofty · 08/02/2021 12:09

If she is still being cool with you six months later, I would see that as a deeper sign that you have become one of those insufferable friends. The type that talk endlessly about themselves and their children. Your birthday card was just another reminder of said status.
We all have friends like this. The same ones that send tacky family photo shoots on the front, and a full debrief of dc's annual achievements inside their christmas cards.

IloveFebruary · 08/02/2021 12:19

Wouldn’t bother me unless it was a brag, like ‘just wanted to let you know I got that job and a massive pay rise’.

C152 · 08/02/2021 12:50

How odd! I always use a card as a bit of a letter to update friends on what has been happening, particularly those that live overseas. And I like getting cards that tell me what's happening in other people's lives. If someone just sent a card with my name, the pre-printed message and their name underneath it, I'd actually wonder why they bothered to send anything at all. Horses for courses I guess.

DarlingCoffee · 08/02/2021 13:15

Noooo don’t do this. It’s a bit limelight stealing. On Christmas cards fine to include your own news but birthday cards should be all about the birthday person.

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