To think DP shouldn’t come running to me when he can’t work out what’s wrong?

[Streamlinerose]

Maybe I’m more tired than usual but I’ve flown off the handle this morning.

DP is such a good dad in many ways, makes almost all our food, walks dogs, does housework when he sees it needs doing (like a full sink or whatever), currently wfh to help more when it gets tough I’m on mat leave, takes DC everymorning until work.

Last few weeks he seems to either not care about DC or has forgotten how to parent and just brings me a crying child and expects me to diffuse and work out what’s wrong. DC is 8m and the usual routine is 7am wake up then milk then breaky at 8am. DC woke up at 6:15 crying and obviously hungry so I said I’ll go and make him some milk. DP said no mornings are mine I’ll take him, so went back to sleep and DP took DC downstairs.

Fast forward to half 7 and he’s bringing me a crying child who is freezing, only has a bodysuit on, hasn’t had milk yet but had half a piece of toast.
‘I TOLD YOU AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO WHAT HE NEEDS AND SAID ID DO IT’

That’s one example but it’s like that all the time and it’s draining, he wonders why dc doesn’t seem to like spending time with him when he doesn’t seem to remember basic needs. I have to say ‘what does it feel like when you haven’t eaten in x hours’ or ‘how many times do you have a drink in a day’ to remind him that DC is not a doll, feels the same things we do.

I feel like saying nope, you figure it out and locking myself away, AIBU? Is this just a main carer/not main carer difference or has be lost all care for our child?

As much as I agree that he needs to sort it out and not rely on you. There's a cold, hungry, thirsty baby to think about aswell. Maybe suggest he write down a timetable to remind him when to offer food/milk, check nappy, check temperature etc and a list of all the reasons his baby might be crying. Then he can work through that instead of asking you?

Sounds tough for you. Obviously a child of that age needs milk and is going to start crying without it. That said, "flying off the handle" probably isn't going to solve your problem.

You need to have a calm conversation with your DH. Why didn't he give him milk? Why isn't the child wearing more clothes? If you can understand these things, you can address them. And yes, I know it's really frustrating that your DH is being useless, and I think I would have been very annoyed too, but you have a much better chance of getting DH to parent effectively if you talk it through with him. And let's face that is what you want to achieve for your child's sake.

Does he need a timetabled list? Ask him.

I had to do one for my own mother who didn't want the bother had also forgotten that babies need milk.

That would drive me up the wall. It's important that you have someone who can just take care of things.for me, part of the "help" is this mental load knowing that you don't need to think about anything for a bit while someone takes care of it!

What have you done so far about the issue - have you spoken to him? What has he said? He might lack confidence, he might have some anxiety about taking any sort of action, and just be used to being directed all his life, or he might just be plain inexperienced.

Yeah, I get that but for the umpteenth time I’ve been brought an uncomfortable child.. my child who I spend all day making as comfortable as possible. It’s infuriating.

He picked up DC to bring him to me, I don’t believe it didn’t feel he was cold.

I have spoken to him calmly lots of times, both at the event and after and it’s always the same shit. ‘I didn’t know’ ‘I didn’t think he’d need it after .. xyz’

Why do I have to give a grown ass adult a list of things to check, his job is looking after the whole of company operations for the country and he can’t check DC is cold? Bullshit.

@LonstantonSpiceMuseum we were both inexperienced before DC neither had ever even held a baby let alone catered for basic needs but you learn and muddle through.

Just the last few weeks though? He knew what to do before? Is your dh struggling in other ways? Poor concentration and problem solving? Feeling low or anxious? It sounds odd if completely new. But if not new then it's just the same old learned helplessness /not taking the mental load stuff.

I think if it’s only been like this the last few weeks. Ask him if something is going on? Tell him your concerns.

Why do I have to give a grown ass adult a list of things to check,

Because the safety and comfort of your child is the priority.

I wonder if you’re both just exhausted and your dh isn’t thinking straight. Is your house freezing cold?
He sounds like a good dad on the whole. Do you think he fell asleep downstairs?
Perhaps just run through basic needs again.
Milk, nappy, warmth. That’s all he needs to remember really.

My DH used to do this with DD when she was crying and irritable when she needed a nap and got some bizarre reason didn’t put her for a nap and would wake me up saying she’s upset and he doesn’t know what to do. I wrote down her morning routine in the end which I don’t think I really should have had to do as it was so simple but it was the only way. We’ve got 2 DC now and he’s much better

Is this just a main carer/not main carer difference or has be lost all care for our child?

It’s definitely the former - he is trying! But I’ve been there - it’s bloody infuriating when intelligent, capable men can’t remember basic things. I remember my DH looking after our baby DD while I took the older one to a little party; he was supposed to come and meet us afterwards. I called and he was most indignant: he’d had loads to do with the baby (go figure!) and had only just managed to have his lunch. “What did you give DD for lunch?”, I asked. Embarrassed pause. He hadn’t thought to feed the child!

It seems ridiculous, but I think you do switch into “childcare mode” when you have a baby; you have to learn on the job and do so very quickly. But it perhaps takes longer to learn if you’re not the person at home with the baby all day - you don’t have the same baptism of fire. Your DH is clearly trying to spend time with his son, but he doesn’t have his routine hardwired in the same way that you do. (Still bloody annoying though - I do sympathise....)

It REALLY annoys the shit out of me that women are expected to pander to men who are deliberately useless. Why should the OP write a list of what is basically common sense (which, lets face it, the DP probably won't read)? As she said, neither she nor DP had experience of babies before they had their own child; why is it that she is expected to learn how to deal with everything but he is not? Feed the child, check they're wet, dress them appropriately. It's not rocket science!

And the DP is behaving like a child. If the OP weren't there, he would have to figure out why his child was crying and fix the situation on his own. If he keeps running to "mummy" whenever things are remotely challenging, he won't learn a thing.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't have any advice (other than saying to your DP that when he's in charge of the child, he is in charge and is not to come running to you the second things get difficult, but to figure it out), but I do sympathise enormously.

@ScrapThatThen @Summersummer22 it’s a hard one to say specifically because DC was breastfed for months so milk wasn’t DPs job, and it was summer so attire was less of a concern. Last few weeks I’d say 5-6, DC has been loving real food so three meals and some fruit so his needs have increased from nappy/breast/temperature but it’s been gradual, not overnight. So maybe he was always like this then and I just didn’t notice because it was warm and I did milk?

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks oh yeah, dammit, hadn’t thought of that. Thank you.

In all seriousness though if I behaved like DP i would be neglecting my child consciously or not, if I did the things DP did I’d be leaving my child cold and hungry. Why is it excusable for him and not me?

It’s odd how our roles are viewed so differently.

I do however feel less grumpy after a coffee.

Anytime a baby that age is crying, there's a little list of things to check:

Hunger - milk/snack
Nappy
Warm/cold enough
Tired - a nap/ a walk
Bored - a song/a book/a walk

Tell him to write his list, and only come to you if he's checked everything on it.

@ArchbishopOfBanterbury

Anytime a baby that age is crying, there's a little list of things to check:

Hunger - milk/snack
Nappy
Warm/cold enough
Tired - a nap/ a walk
Bored - a song/a book/a walk

Tell him to write his list, and only come to you if he's checked everything on it.

I was about to say exactly this. If baby is crying, you expect him to have checked those 5 things before he comes to you.

When he brings you the child, do you tell him what's wrong or do you fix it?

I'd make sure at the least you're only doing the latter. So you say "well he's clearly cold and hungry. He needs clothes and milk, like we agreed an hour ago', then hand the child back or send DP to get those things. Don't just take over (I know that's hard because your child is upset) otherwise it just reinforces that DP doesn't need to worry as you will do it all.

Of course he should be able to work things out. He doesn't seem to be this helpless in other areas of his life, after all.

But maybe the solution is to make a big notice with something like @ArchbishopOfBanterbury's list headed by "Do NOT take DC to StreamlineRose till you have tried these". Put it somewhere prominent, preferably where anyone coming to the house can see it. With any luck he'll get the piss taken out of him so often that he'll decide it's better just to remember the list for himself.

I’d be as annoyed as you are but you need to find out what’s going on. And you’re so right that if you opted out of the thinking about what your baby needs you’d be neglecting them.

Did losing it at him work or just leave everyone grumpy and upset?

DP is such a good dad in many ways, makes almost all our food, walks dogs, does housework when he sees it needs doing (like a full sink or whatever)

None of that is about being a dad. It's about being an adult. And imagine you had written this about a woman:

Anna is such a good mum in many ways, she makes almost all our food, walks dogs, does housework when she sees it needs doing (like a full sink or whatever)

Sets a pretty low bar!!

I have no idea what is wrong with your h but he sounds pretty useless. Talk to him.

Why can't he retain the simple info that your ds needs to be warm, fed and watered just like we do?

Bonkers.