Nanny smoking

[Purplefloss]

My mum is a heavy smoker and always promised when I fell pregnant (after 5 years of trying) she would give up. Unfortunately that hasn’t happened and I’m now about a month away from having baby. She have given us some gorgeous knitted clothes and teddy’s that she’s bought but everything absolutely stinks of cigarettes! She also has bought a fabric bouncer for baby to use when at hers, however, I’ve just told her we don’t want to use it as it will smell of smoke and I’m concerned about cot death etc so anything baby sleeps in we have bought new. Am I being harsh? How did you cope with Grandparents that smoke indoors? I just don’t want my baby around breathing that rubbish in or her to smoke then come straight over and cuddle baby etc!

You can wash the clothes and teddy. I would print off any NHS advice re. Not cuddling a baby if you've smoked recently and talk it over with her.

You're not being harsh, and there is no way I would have allowed my babies to be around a smoker/in a smoker's home. If she wants to hold the baby, she will need to be wearing clean, smoke free clothing. She alone is responsible for choosing to smoke. You are responsible for protecting your child. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

i dont have the answers for how you should approach her , but i dont think you are being unreasonable , i smoke , but not heavily and for the reasons you have outlined i smoke outdoors , even if its pissing rain or snowing if i want a fag i will have it out under my little porch thingie that overhangs my front door as , yes i myself dont want the house and everything in it to smell of smoke as its horrible , i say this even as a smoker you are right about that .. also i dont want my 12 yr old dd and the house rabbits breathing it in .. as i take the view i choose to smoke they dont .. i think the only thing you can do is wash the stuff shes given you and have a chat about how you feel , say how concerned you are about the smell and health risks to the baby ,,, is it possible they could not do like me had smoke outside ?

You're being perfectly reasonable, stand your ground. Smoking fucking stinks and I don't want to be around it, let alone my PFB can you buy her a vape and say that it's brush teeth and vaping only at least an hour before she sees baby? And just tell her straight that unfortunately the things she gives you smells so she shouldn't waste her money as you won't use them.

You are being reasonable. My mum was a heavy smoker. I absolutely hate everything about it. When she bought baby clothes for my children they used to stink and needed to be washed before they could be worn. If I had to take anything back to the shop to exchange them (which had just sat around in her house in a carrier bag) the clothes would smell awful and I felt so embarrassed as I felt they thought I was the disgusting smoker.
It did make me wonder if all my clothes used to smell horrible when I was a child. She never stopped smoking and did so all over the house (fag packet in the bathroom for early morning smoke etc).

When the children were older I used to make them wear old and/or dirty clothes to go to her house because everything needed to be washed when we got home. Disgusting habit.

@yvanka

You're being perfectly reasonable, stand your ground. Smoking fucking stinks and I don't want to be around it, let alone my PFB can you buy her a vape and say that it's brush teeth and vaping only at least an hour before she sees baby? And just tell her straight that unfortunately the things she gives you smells so she shouldn't waste her money as you won't use them.

god thats harsh. I would never have insulted my mam like that, you do know smoking is an addiction? My mother is dead now but she smoked when my kids were small and she would go outside and have her cigarette, i remember a few times being quite mean to her and saying about smoking and the damage it would do to her (she was 80 when she died) if i could go back again i wouldnt open my mouth, it was her choce, she was the best granny in the world and loved my kids, but she smoked. Having said that my mam never smoked in front of the kids, she went outside and always washed her hands before she held them, when they got older she probably wasnt as careful. It souds like your mam must smoke a lot if its on the clothes etc, she will probaly find it hard to give up, i wouldnt dream of handing her a vape and telling her to brush her teeth, thats just rude

When my aunt refused to stop smoking when we visited I just stopped going.. My ds had been in /out of hospital with breathing difficulties and she just didn't get she was in the wrong. Her house her rules and all that. Maybe your dm can visit you then you can make the rules.. She needs to be going outside in a coat. Coming in and taking it off, hands washed. I think 30 mins is the guidance before holding a baby.. Or she needs to quit. Then she will live longer to enjoy your dc grow up.

I told my (now ex, although not for that reason) husband when I was pregnant that if he didn't quit smoking he'd have to shower and change his clothes (that I wouldn't be washing) every single time he had a cigarette before he came in the house. He knows I am the most stubborn human on earth.

If she can't quit to be able to see her grandchild, that's a terrible place to be.

I'm a gp who smokes and I don't do it for hours if I'm seeing the baby.
We don't smoke indoors either.
You can't force her to stop, of course but you can tell her you won't visit because of the smell and risk to your babies health.
It's disgusting and that's coming from a smoker.

Wash everything that can be washed. It’s really up to you to not use her for childcare if you feel that strongly. Have you thought about gifting her a vape pen ?? It’s hard if you can’t afford childcare and rely on family. Maybe ask her to not smoke in the home when babies there? I dint think that’s unreasonable. But you can’t expect her to not smoke in her home when babies not there, even though the smell lingers and stinks. I’m an ex smoker, but I stopped smoking in the house when I realised that the walls were starting to colour. And I was always paranoid that I smelled really bad. And I did. Of course I did. Because I smoked.

I'll come at this from the other side as a smoker.

Like a pp I don't smoke indoors.

This is the really big problem you're facing.

I've visited friends baby's in the past, given gifts etc but those gifts don't come from a home contaminated with smoke and when visiting I've always slapped on a patch in the morning to ensure I've not smoked for over 12 hours before visiting (clean clothes etc). Same protocol if they've visited me. I've also told friends what I'd be doing so they didn't have to have any awkward conversations with me.

Where I'm going with this is that it is possible to "share" your baby with a smoker but they have to be willing to the baby first over the addiction.

In your situation the room for compromise is virtually non existent.

Years of indoor smoking means that even if she quit now her home will be saturated with nicotine. It takes extensive work to clear this from a property - in some cases stripping back the plaster.

If she comes to visit you what clean clothes does she really have? Even "clean"
clothes hung in a bedroom where someone smokes still absorb the smell and tar.

The idea she can wear a smoking coat and have a fag outside when visiting makes little difference if the clothes underneath are saturated with cigarette smoke.

You can wash the clothes she gives you, but it's not ideal really.

The only thing I think you can do is say she has to visit you (baby will not go to her house) and on arrival change into a clean outfit that you'll provide (and change back when she leaves so that outfit stays with you so never in a contaminated house). She should not smoke on the days she visits (preferably in the afternoon and you'll get some patches/gum etc to help her with this).

I think that's all you can really do if I'm honest.

We had the same problem. We didnt go to her house for first three months and invited her to ours instead to do the cuddling. We wash things from her or disinfect plastic stuff that has a lingering smell. We visit now but usually in the morning when there is less stale air in the house.

You're not being harsh. She needs to at least wait, wash her hands and change her clothes before holding baby. I wouldn't take my infant to someone's home if they smoked indoors. This is babies health, you have to be blunt.

We have this problem with my in laws. For that reason I’m grateful that we don’t see them often. When we do visit, I don’t take the car seat in and make everyone leave their jackets in the car so I don’t have to wash them. Then everyone straight in the shower/bath when we get home, hair washed etc. They don’t smoke in the house while we’re there but do pop in and out, and smoke in the house when we’re not there so it’s stinks. Likewise any gifts we get.

Smoke stays on someone's hair, skin, clothes, and breath. So it doesn't matter if they only smoke outdoors; you can always tell the house of a smoker.

I would be clear that you don't want her to give you anything (washing it doesn't reliably remove the contamination, even after it stops smelling, some remains).

And not go to her house. And I wouldn't be too keen to invite her to mine, either. Maybe see her in parks. Perhaps she'll find some motivation then.