Lots of smart people here-Wills

[Mulletonyourhead]

On the back of another thread that got me thinking (worrying..!) clearly not as clued up on all this as I should be.
Since toddler Dd was born, it’s been on my mind to write a will, in case both of us passed. But, how do you both agree on the care of your child? For example, I think Dd would be better with my parents as opposed to Dp’s, because she’s sadly in poor health and not financially comfortable enough. My parents would age though and we’d have to make provisions for someone next, which I thought could be his sister as opposed to mine, just because I’m not sure if she’s want to take on the responsibility, whereas my sil has a much more stable set up. What happens if your partner doesn’t agree though? I’m guessing it would have to be written into both wills the same and signed?
Sorry, really not sure how this would work,
I’m quite anxious about it as we also live abroad and I wouldn’t want some awful situation where it’s all up in the air and undecided. My mum seems to think it’s all fine and not to worry and if anything ever happens they’d just come and get her 🙄doesn’t work like that though, does it

*Dps mum is sadly in poor health (wheelchair etc)

A will does not have to include a statement about care of your child. You can go ahead and make one just concerning your assets. Yes, the issue of your child in the hopefully unlikely event of you both passing away is important however, don’t let it distract you from getting the asset part sorted. This is especially important as you are not married - I’m not going to be one of those people who advise ‘just go for a cheapy wedding’ as I’m not married. I do however have my affairs in order including a will.

@Retszol I’m most interested to get the part about my Dd in writing legally, is this where we’d do it? Would include other aspects, but currently our house is in both our names, joint account etc, we will marry soon, but this part is worrying me, possible because of this last year.

It doesn't sound like you've actually discussed this with your partner, so that's where I would start. See if he is in agreement with you about your child going to your parents if anything happened to both of you, he may prefer to ask his sister, as presumably she's younger than your parents. Have this discussion, then talk to the people you've chosen, it sounds like your parents would be happy to step up, but depends on how old they are as to whether they are the ideal candidates. If your partner chooses his sister, then you should speak to her and see if she would be willing to take on such a large responsibility, and then once you've got things clear in your own minds, have a Will written up detailing your wishes.

I don't think you necessarily have to decide who will look after your daughter, as obviously everyone's circumstances may change in the intervening period, but you can decide who makes the decision should the situation arise, and discuss with this person what you would like to happen.

Don't be too prescriptive, our joint care for the children person has just emigrated!

In the UK your will is invalidated by marriage, so might be best to wait until after the wedding to write one if you’re getting married soon. Or if the marriage is further away agree a deal with the solicitor to update it after the wedding.

@AnathemaPulsifer

In the UK your will is invalidated by marriage, so might be best to wait until after the wedding to write one if you’re getting married soon. Or if the marriage is further away agree a deal with the solicitor to update it after the wedding.

You can draft the will specifically to be in expectation of your marriage to avoid it being invalidated on marriage i believe! Might be worth it for the op?

It doesn’t work that way. You cannot will a child to someone in the way that you would will a house a or a car.

What you can do (either in a will or another document) is make your wishes known as to who should be named as guardian. Then, if something were to happen to you, your wishes can be taken into consideration.

So, if you have named your parents but they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, they could turn down the guardianship. Likewise, your unstable SIL might find caring for your child is what gives her stability. Or someone else in your family might be best placed to take care of her and can come forward.

Also worth noting, your daughter does not have to live with her legal guardian. She could be resident with someone else.

The first step in all of this is to think about who you would want to be responsible for your daughter in the event of your death and then ask them if they would accept that responsibility in the highly unlikely situation of that happening. The next step is to put it in writing so other friends and family members, social workers and the courts will also know your wishes in the event of your death. If you chose someone who is wilding unsuitable (perhaps unstable SIL develops a drug habit), social services can intervene and place your daughter with someone else.

So, whilst your wishes are considered, they are not unchallengeable.

You can specify your preferences for who will look after your child in your will, but it's not binding - the family courts (i think) will make the ultimate decision. If you and your dp don't agree I guess they'll decide who is more suitable.

The appointment of guardians for children in a will isn't legally binding, just indicative of your wishes. Imagine the situation where parents are separately - it's unlikely they're going to agree on who to appoint. So you don't have to choose the same person. And as PP said, circumstances change so a previously appropriate appointment could be really inappropriate a few years down the line.

Discuss with your partner who to appoint, but if you can't agree just include your choices in your will. He can do the same.

If you plan to marry, a will "made in the expectation of my marriage with partner's name" is still valid after you marry. This is what I did after I had left my first husband and just before the divorce was finalised, simply so my ex wouldn't get the hideous complication of sorting it all out if I was run over by a 159 bus before I got remarried.

It’s a hundred times more likely that one or other of you will die than it is that you’ll both die together. And as PP’s have said your wishes expressed in your will about your DD’s guardianship are only for the guidance of those left behind, she’s not a possession to be bequeathed.

Check the legal position in the country you live in and make wills to deal with your finances immediately. Discuss your wishes for your DD with your DP but if you can’t come to an immediate agreement do not let that get in the way of making a will.

@StrangerHereMyself Yes, it’s unlikely, but god forbid anything should happen to both of us, I need to feel secure something is in writing for her to be looked after bu our family and not put in the system here in foster care etc, it’s a really upsetting thought

Go ahead and try and work out the right thing to do for your DD’s guardianship certainly. I’m not saying you shouldn’t discuss it, but don’t any difficulties with that let that delay making your wills because that is a serious and urgent problem. You can add a separate letter or codicil on guardianship when that’s decided.

But do get local legal advice.

@StrangerHereMyself What is a serious and urgent problem? Making a will? What should I include in it?

If it's any help, remember that you don't have to write one will and that's it, nothing can ever change - think about reviewing your will every 10 years; your circumstances/relationships/feelings may change and your will can reflect that.

There is a fair amount of advice on the internet about what needs to go into a will. Mostly it is common sense, some is just the right wording to avoid ambiguity.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-Wills/Wills/

is a good place to start, I would think. They have no reason to mislead you. They're fairly strong on the "go to a solicitor" advice, but other things in there such as what ought to be in a will for it to be valid are helpful.