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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH woke up toddler and then wants a lie in!

16 replies

Aha85 · 07/02/2021 14:08

We have an under-mattress breathing alarm for DS. It rarely gives a false alarm (once every 6 months?). We had one this morning for a few seconds and then it stopped when it picked up DS breathing again. I wasn't too worried.

DH was feeling very anxious so wanted to go check on DS. I said that if he did that DS would wake up but if he really wanted to he could and then bring DS down from the top floor to our bedroom on the middle floor if DS wanted to breastfeed.

Queue DH going upstairs, waking up DS, DH yelling at me for several minutes that I should go upstairs because DS wanted me but didn't want to come downstairs, DH eventually getting DS downstairs and then DH getting grumpy about the fact that I was going to breastfeed DS in our bed so he'd have to go lie down in the spare room as he wanted to go back to sleep whilst I took care of DS.

DH is being an arse right? He says I'm not being sympathetic to his anxiety. I said I was being sympathetic as I said that he could check on DS but if he woke up he had to bring him downstairs to me rather than me getting up to take care of DS whilst DH went back to sleep in our bed?

OP posts:

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/02/2021 14:19

Yeah he is being shit. It's two separate issues, he might have felt like he needed to check on your son for his anxiety but he doesn't need to go back to bed for his anxiety.

But why have you got an alarm for an older baby? Does he have any health issues? I thought they were for younger babies and that when they were over 1, the chances of cot death were practically zero

Original poster

Aha85 · 07/02/2021 14:22

But why have you got an alarm for an older baby? Does he have any health issues? I thought they were for younger babies and that when they were over 1, the chances of cot death were practically zero

We've continued to use it as it makes DH generally less anxious (apart from the rare false alarm).

OP posts:

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 14:27

YANBU I wouldnt have let him go to the spare room go go back to sleep either though so you're kinder than me. He can wake the baby but then all further care (except breastfeeding) is his responsibility.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2021 14:27

Does he often use his anxiety to beat you with?

He needs to own his decisions and is not entitled to a lie in. Ridiculous.

As you didn’t choose to wake him and are feeding him you absolutely get to stay in bed to do so.

What happened next?

SendMeHome · 07/02/2021 14:28

It sounds like you’re at the point where the alarm is contributing to anxiety rather than removing it, and it’s probably time to get rid of it.

Is he usually a knob about lie ins, or is that related to the anxiety? Either way, the alarm sounds like it needs to go, and he needs to stop feeling entitled to a lie in... it’s bizarre that he was so put out at the idea of going back to sleep in a different room 😐

Love51 · 07/02/2021 14:31

Speaking as someone who in the past had panic disorder, so not unsympathetic to anxiety....
His anxiety is HIS anxiety. He has to take the consequences of decisions he makes as a result of his anxiety.
Also, anxiety is curable. Way easier than depression. Is he engaging in treatment? If not then no, you don't have to be sympathetic to his anxiety. He isn't being sympathetic to the impact it has on you.

June628 · 07/02/2021 14:34

Do you have a video monitor? If the alarm had stopped because your DS had readjusted his position or whatever then you’d see him moving and breathing so wouldn’t need to go in unnecessarily.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2021 14:46

If he wakes the baby then he clearly has to be the one to get up with him!

Woolff · 07/02/2021 15:24

He didn't just wake him up for fun to inconvenience you. He wasnt just generally inconsiderate and then made you deal with it. Unless he's like this a lot, can you not do this for him on this occasion.

FilthyforFirth · 07/02/2021 15:30

Surely a monitor is better in this instance? Yanbu about his behaviour. That would piss me off

MaskingForIt · 07/02/2021 15:38

He’s welcome to have anxiety, but he needs to be the one to deal with that, not you. Aside from breastfeeding your son, your DH should have taken care of everything else since he was the one who woke him up.

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2021 15:42

You wake him, you take him.
That's well known parenting law. The postman was a little put out but them's the rules.

Roastednotsalt · 07/02/2021 15:45

@FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken I agree.

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 16:04

Your husbands quite obviously being dick.

contrary13 · 07/02/2021 16:49

"But why have you got an alarm for an older baby? Does he have any health issues? I thought they were for younger babies and that when they were over 1, the chances of cot death were practically zero"

My daughter (24) was born with sleep aponea. She was on a monitor until she was 2.5 years old, because the risk doesn't just stop at 12 months. Some babies/children outgrow it, a lot don't. It depends on the type of aponea they have. My daughter, for example, like several of my cousins, lacks the part of her brain function which controls the reflex of breathing. Even now, she'll stop breathing during her sleep - particularly if she's stressed/overtired. It's also rare for her to get an unbroken night of sleep, which doesn't help, due to the rest of her brain waking her up if/when she stops breathing.

And before anyone mentions obesity being one of the biggest causes of sleep aponea... my daughter is scarily thin. She's never been bigger than a size 4. She simply lacks a (rather important) part of her brain function.

OP, I hope your son outgrows his aponea, and your husband outgrows his anxiety (although your son might be 20 and your husband is still anxious about him surviving a night, I'm afraid).

Iyiyi · 07/02/2021 16:55

I have anxiety and it’s really not ok to get angry with people when they don’t accommodate it. It’s fine to explain to someone that anxiety is why you are acting in a certain way but you need to take ownership of it. Not doing so makes it worse and creates codependency issues.

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