To think it is wrong for your partner to tell you to "eff off"?

[Oldat40]

Regardless of how stressed they are?

I have said worse. Context is key here.

I am struggling to bond with my baby and partner is cross at me. Says I should play with her more etc. He says he swears at me when he gets frustrated.

It depends on the relationship. I have said it before I'm sure he has too when we had a disagreement not often as no particular occasion from him comes to mind.

Totally unacceptable in my book.

Ah then no, that does not sound like a supportive partner. How old is baby?

@Cheeeeislifenow Eight months.

Stick the middle finger up instead of using bad language in front of the baby, how are things with the baby? It is hard if he is watching over you too.
It is never good talk around DC.

I want to love her but I wish I hadn't had her in lockdown. I haven't enjoyed my maternity leave at all. I have two much older kids with my ex (both SEN) and it's almost impossible homeschooling on my own with a baby who has just learned to crawl.

Can you contact your Hv? That sounds hard op

Are they allowed at school if they have sen?

Anyway back to the op I think it depends on circumstances I wouldn’t say it’s never ok I know I’ve said worse in the past

@Cheeeeislifenow I have but there's not a lot she can do. She just says lockdown must be very difficult.

@Happycat1212 My eldest is ASD and has huge health anxiety so he couldn't cope with going in. He's 14 so not easy to make him!

@Oldat40 Many new mums are feeling the same it is an awful time to have a newborn the monotonous days of lockdown with a strict no sleep routine.
The bond will come as long as the baby is cared for and loved which I'm sure she is.
Look forward to the summer tell your OH to back off you've enough with the DC without his critical attitude.

I've told my partner to eff off many times over the years.

Did he actually say eff? Because I'd struggle to respect someone who couldn't say the word fuck.

@Oysterbabe

Did he actually say eff? Because I'd struggle to respect someone who couldn't say the word fuck.

This exactly.

Meh. I've said it many times, as has DH.

But I'm very sweary, as is my family, so it means nothing to me really.

YANBU.

I would not be with someone who talked to me like that.

I didn’t think anyone would be ok with that kind of language, learned on MN that many don’t mind and also talk like that to their partners.

My parents didn’t talk like that to eachother, maybe these people learned it from home?

My current partner rarely argue that much but both of us have told the other to fuck off at one time or another. For me, it’s how you own up to your behaviour/language that is important (some things are unforgivable though). We make up, we say sorry, we accept responsibility and there’s no resentment on either part.

My ex however, was/is very abusive and “fuck off”s were usually from me screaming in defence/from terror if he was coming for me or him screaming that I’d never the kids ever again. Insults were regularly chucked about with venom- they were meant. Apologies were not sincere/used as weapons/bargaining chips to avoid anything worse happening.

Sorry this post is probably now really long! To summarise though I don’t think saying fuck off is the end of the world. Equally, I think it’s ok if you were offended and/or hurt by it.

I would be fine with my DH telling me to fuck off in many circumstances.

But absolutely not fine with him being angry at me for struggling with a very difficult situation. Most people home schooling are finding it hard, even with no baby or SEN. You need support, OP, not anger from the person who should be helping you.

I think you should speak to your HV again, and ask to be assessed for PND. Do you have family who can offer help? Support/childcare bubbles are there for people like you.

@CaptainMerica My HV isn't the best tbh, I think she's just overwhelmed atm.
The only family I have nearby are my parents (but dad is over 70 and mum has been ill). I do have a brother nearby but he's autistic so can't help (mum helps care for him too).
I don't have any friends that I could bubble up with sadly.
Partner has much older parents (almost both 80) and an older sister. They all live two hours' away
I'm OK this morning but only slept for about an hour as I was so stressed and my jaw is killing me again today (I teeth clench).

I mean - context is everything. I’m not sweary but in moments of rage - not when the kids are around, sure.

In your context - no, he shouldn’t have swore at you. You’re doing your best. He should fuck off himself.

I don't think you are being unreasonable in this context. He isnt being supportive or helpful.
Have you seen your GP and asked about PND?

@Thelnebriati Yes, they referred me to HV. There is lots going on. I'm terrified of losing her so don't want to love her "too much."

I've been through something similar myself, I'm glad you're getting help. I ended up being treated for agoraphobia among other things.