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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to leave him

21 replies

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 06/02/2021 23:44

Hi everyone,

Today it was my dd birthday. I didn't follow hubby's instructions for icing cake and he said it was because I 'never listen' to him because I 'don't like' him. He said this in front of our daughter. I didn't acknowledge it because our daughter was there and because if I defend myself he will be pretty brutal with his words.

I lost my DM to covid in April. I'm struggling as i miss her dearly. Our marriage has been struggling for some time and the day before DM'S funeral I decided to bake cakes to keep myself calm. He shouted at me. Told me, because I'm overweight that I 'shouldn't be making those cakes. They're bad for you. You need to sort out your health and you don't care about it' etc etc. Maybe he was right but the day before Mum's funeral it seemed very cruel and broke me.

Now he's angry with me because ive gone to bed with a back injury. But he this whole lockdown we've watched TV together once of an evening. If I try and talk to him he is miles away and ignores me.

I feel like our marriage is over. I'm in agony about so much. I don't know what to do.

He is very critical of me. Only is affectionate when he wants sex and that's not often anymore because he 'doesn't want to make your bad back worse'.

What the hell do I do? I have no parents or siblings or family to turn to.

The thing that hurts the most is after years of asking him he eventually agreed to go to one marriage counselling with me. Whilst there he told the counsellor I was 'too much' and 'over sensitive' and 'jealous as I still have my parents around and brothers'. I couldn't do anymore counselling after that. His words stang so much.

No file chosen

OP posts:

FortunesFave · 07/02/2021 02:05

Could you leave him easily? Do you own the house? What about work...and how old are the children? He sounds awful saying that in front of your DD.

FortunesFave · 07/02/2021 02:09

Ok so I've looked at some of your other posts and this man is basically a complete bastard and a monster.

That day when you went out with his family and your Mumn was struggling...do it for her OP...leave him and take your DD with you.

He sounds like a child and a nasty bastard.

NothingIcando · 07/02/2021 02:14

Leave

Anordinarymum · 07/02/2021 02:18

Oh he sounds awful. He is supposed to be your rock, your mate, your lover, and he is none of these - just the opposite. I am sorry he treats you like this. it's not nice and no way to live OP

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2021 02:19

Leave.

Thedogscollar · 07/02/2021 02:30

Omg leave. Life is too short to tolerate that behaviour. So sorry about your Mum OP she would want you to be happy and you aren't with him.

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 05:34

Thank you everyone. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 05:36

I can't sleep. I don't know how to leave or where to go. I know he'll want to get as much money if i leave. He's always thinking about money and wants to know how much inheritance I've been left from Mum etc. We've been together since I was 18. Our DD is 9.

OP posts:

Pyewhacket · 07/02/2021 05:51

You've got two identical threads going at once ?. In the other one you say you show him no affection, you do minimal housework and you are online talking to other men !.

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 06:29

Yes. That's right. I'm sad to say. I do show him affection though. And I do housework but not enough, I feel. The house is often a mess. I do try to keep it tidy but work long hours too. But yes, the talking to others is unforgivable.

OP posts:

Lipz · 07/02/2021 06:46

You posted that you left him last year and started another relationship.

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 06:53

I didn't leave or start a new relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 07:04

Lipz I never posted that.

OP posts:

Lipz · 07/02/2021 07:06

A few days ago I decided to leave my hubby. I couldn't take the distance between us anymore, which widened after he told me I needed to not bake cakes the day before my Mum's funeral, because I was needing to watch my weight. At that point I was baking as a distraction. That has stopped now thankfully. But I was so upset. We had an almighty row which shook me up even more the day before Mum's funeral. He further upset me when he discussed with his friend building jobs that need to be done at Mum's and clearing out Mum's, without discussing it with me first, which I told him hugely hurt my feelings as i need to go through Mum and Dad's stuff myself. My memories are there. So I left and moved out. I miss him but I am tired of how he treats me.

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 07:08

Yup..... and 4 days later I went back.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 07:08

I didn't start a relationship with someone else

OP posts:

OppsUpsSide · 07/02/2021 07:21

Leave. What ever it takes, leave. I lost my house but I kept my sanity, health, self esteem, mental health and relationships with my children.

Lipz · 07/02/2021 07:22

Online I meant.

You've been posting about him since 2019, no disrespect but I've counted well over a 100 replies, and that's not counting them all, from posters who have offered advice and you have posted over and over re the same issues. Some posters have really gone out of their way with the advice they have given you.

I understand that there is alot going on, but tbf if you are going to keep rehashing things and posting the same issues people will get fed up and not offer advice.

fitzbilly · 07/02/2021 07:26

You need to leave.

Original poster

Ellaandlouisqueenandking · 07/02/2021 07:39

Yes and I appreciate and value everyone's support and advice but Lipz I haven't been able to do anything for various reasons and keep posting on here because a lot of our friends are mutual, my only family is my DD and I have nowhere to turn to. Especially in this covid situation.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 07/02/2021 08:01

I get that if your listening skills aren't great that can be a real drip-drip that builds to a lot of resentment in a relationship. Even if that is the case though this sounds like emotional abuse.

I think you'd need to be counselled separately if he just uses it as an opportunity to slag you off and then you don't feel able to engage. Is the talking to other men a form of self sabotage because you want this to be over?

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