Would you punish your DC for this?

[Bootskates]

Can't seem to stop thinking about stuff from my childhood recently. I have a DD(6) and often think "I wouldn't have reacted that way if she did this" and it makes me really resent my parents and think they were really harsh (also think they made life harder for themselves being the way they were, someone was always in trouble for something, we weren't even bad kids).

Anyway, the incident I have been remembering tonight was from when I was probably between 8-10 years old. I was at my aunties, had stayed there the night before and was due to go home later on that afternoon. I was just sat watching TV whilst she got on with the housework when another auntie popped in with her kids and said they were on their way out, they were going bowling and invited me along. Auntie I was staying with said yes and off I went.

When I was dropped off home I was in trouble. I was late home, shouldn't have gone off with other auntie etc.

As an adult and a mother I just think wtf? I was a child in the care of an adult relative and she put me in the care of another adult relative I didn't just wander off?! I don't blame either auntie but if I was the parent in this situation I would ask them for a heads up next time if I'd had a problem with it. I wouldn't make it my child's problem.

Sorry for the long post, just sometimes struggle getting my head around some of this stuff. Aibu to think a kid shouldn't be in trouble in this situation?

It doesn't matter. Seriously. Although presumably this is not the whole story?

The example you have given is mild in the grand scheme of things. It's like parents smacking or shouting at their child for running off when it's the parents fault that they were able to not the child's.

But since you say you are 'struggling with some of this stuff' you clearly have deeper issues?

@nokidshere

It doesn't matter. Seriously. Although presumably this is not the whole story?

The example you have given is mild in the grand scheme of things. It's like parents smacking or shouting at their child for running off when it's the parents fault that they were able to not the child's.

But since you say you are 'struggling with some of this stuff' you clearly have deeper issues?

It matters to the op so please don't dismiss it as trivial. Op as parents all we can do is learn from the mistakes of our parents and not repeat them. Unfortunately none of us are perfect and we will.make mistakes too. Of course it wasn't logical for your parents to blame you you were a child offered something exciting with your aunt however your looking back on it through your own eyes...your parents could've had money worries that day or gotten.bad news or a million and one different things could've happened to make them react that way. No parent is perfect but on a positive note your not repeating behaviours on your child that you feel have hurt you in your childhood

It wasn't ok for your parents to be angry with you in that situation.

If they had a problem it should have been with the aunties, NOT a child who.was given permission by their adult carer.

YANBU at all and yes, it does matter. Do you think it's affected you? I can imagine growing up like that could lead to anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.

You shouldn’t have been blamed for your auntie dropping you off late

Obviously it was the auntie's fault.

Yes it was out of order. As you say, a child can’t control what time an adult drops them home and you would trust an adult family member to have agreed all of that between them and your parents. If your parents had an issue they should’ve spoken to your auntie, not blamed you. Scolding and telling off is meant to be for when a child has done something wrong so they learn not to do it. If you create a pattern of telling a child off for things that aren’t their fault and they can’t control, it can really shape how that person grows up.

And I think as it’s still fresh in your mind all these years later clearly it had an effect on you, so I wouldn’t think ‘it doesn’t matter’.

Your parents shouldn’t have told you off but was it because you knew you shouldn’t be late home because you were doing something with them once you got home?

I think it's probably wise to remember OP that, for all the good I'm sure we do our kids now, they will no doubt in 30 years be posting on forums about how terrible we were as parents and comparing our treatment of them to modern standards.

I don't think it's particularly fair to do that.

And I'm sorry I don't think that's a particularly bad example - they must have been panicking when you didn't return home and sometimes the reaction is to freak out when you get an overwhelming sense of relief. No parent is perfect after all and it doesn't do well to dwell on non-issues.

i tend to agree with JamesMM.
attitudes and norms are different now.
perhaps your parents were unduly harsh and unfair, but what good does it do you OP to dwell on it now, and build up resentment. that's kind of undermining yourself.
you just try to be the best parent you can, and to live in the present moment.

My parents were very strict and, when I had my own children, I vowed to do better. All four of mine are adults now and, although I have a good relationship with them and honestly think that I have been a good parent, I can tell you that they still raise incidents from their childhood or teenage years and tell me that I handled it wrong.

Sometimes they have misremembered, sometimes they didn't understand the context of the incident at the time and 'get it' when I fill them in on that now, sometimes I honestly thought I was doing the right thing at the time but got it wrong.

There is that old adage about parenting not coming with a manual. If you felt loved and safe then I would not overthink an incident such as this. On the face of it, it was harsh to tell you off but there might be a bit more to the story than you knew at 10.

You definitely shouldn’t have been blamed for that - you were a young child in the care of adults, you shouldn’t have been held responsible for their decisions.

It reminds of this boy in my class at primary whose mum was always dropped off late to school and used to get bollocked by the teacher. Its not fair to punish a child because the adult driving them was late, you speak to the adult and leave the child out of it.

Were you punished? Did they know where you had gone? Sometimes people get angry when they’re worried.

No, a child shouldn't be in trouble, and I don't think this is a generational difference in parenting standards either - it just doesn't make sense.

8yo is under care of Aunty A, Aunty B comes along and offers to take child out, child asks Aunty A, who gives permission. Therefore the issue is with Aunty A, not the child. In the 90s it was accepted that children should defer to the adult in charge - you did that. It's not like you just absconded.

Both aunts are adults. I would guess that there was some history in that your parents perhaps thought Aunty B was irresponsible, or there was some fall out or something, but that's not your call/judgement to make as a child - it's not as though you went off with a stranger, which they would be (more) fair to be angry with you about, although the fault would still be with the person looking after you who let you go off with some random. Assuming there is no history where they have specifically warned you off Aunty B and told you not to go anywhere with her.

Aunty A should have phoned your parents and updated them, she probably also should have checked in case your parents had other plans which you would then be late for, I'd be annoyed if I was expecting my child home and they came back hours later if I'd had things I was planning to do (OTOH if I had nothing to do I'd be delighted :o) more worried if there was no communication.

Why didn't your parents ring Aunty A and ask where you were?

Ask relatives about your DM's childhood, I think you can find that that can have a huge influence on how she parented you. Knowing that there are explanations for what seems unfair or cruel treatment can make them seem less bad.

It's normal to look back on incidents from your childhood and think "I'd do that differently" and even to still be a bit pissed off at your parents for 'overreacting' in a particular situation. Doesn't mean your parents were 'wrong' though, or bad parents. They are human and (assuming it was just a telling off and nothing worse) overreacting because they were worried /annnoyed etc. They are human. Assuming it wasn't so regular that they always automatically saw you as being at fault, it was an early example of life not being fair, parents aren't infallible and sometimes we all have to deal with other people doing things which have an 'unfair' outcome.

Sorry just reading through the replies.

In terms of punishment - shouted at and then the silent treatment for the rest of the weekend. They used to hit but they knew this hurt me more. Only a few years ago they were laughing talking about it saying "oh she used to hate that didn't she".

I do think it affected me yes, I was an anxious child anyway and if I went out with relatives or friends parents after that would always get a sicky "am I where I'm supposed to be" feeling in my stomach. I think it had the desired effect because when I hit my teens I wouldn't have snuck off anywhere, been stupidly late home etc but I just don't like their method looking back.

I know it's daft to be going over it now, think I'm feeling a bit low due to lockdown and DD is getting older now so sometimes she does things and I think "oh God I'd have been slapped for that"

I would definitely look into this and get some counselling.
I read that people coming forward with stories of an abusive childhood are often in their 50s and 60s. So the sadness/ anxiety doesn't go away and will resurface at some point.
That was horrible treatment by your DM and you need to open up about it imv as in my experience talking openly and honestly about it really helps.

@2ndtimemum2 I didn't say it was trivial I said it doesn't matter, and it doesn't. The example given is minor, hence me asking if there were other things that needed addressing.

We cannot spend all our lives blaming our parents for what they did or didn't do, it's not healthy to go over minute details of our lives and try to find reasons for the way we are now. It's one thing to remember and vow not to do the same and quite another to let our childhoods define the rest of our lives.

As adults we have to take responsibility for who we are and how we behave. If you need counselling, talking therapy or other support then get it and work on being your own person. We all, however long and difficult it might be, have the power to leave the past behind and become the person we want to be. Some might need more help than others but we are not our parents, we can make the choice to not be like them.

I recommend reading ‘The book you wish your parents had read’ by Philippa Perry, it’s quite eye opening about how we parent based on how we’ve been parented. I know what you mean, there’s some things I purposely do differently because I don’t agree with how my parents did it, but equally I sometimes find myself falling into patterns I’m not happy about but it kind of just happens because that was my experience iykwim. The book is really worth a read to organise your thoughts and gain some insight!

I do get where your coming and my childhood was horrendous and I would never do half the things my parents did to me.
But I have learnt from there behaviour and I hope I'm a better person and mum because of it.
I think having children esp when there at a similar age to when you were at difficult times of your life will bring back painful memories.
Its good to talk about it and know that what you parents did was wrong and your daughter will never go through what you did.

Thank you all of the comments have been very helpful.

I think the reasons I was up thinking about it is because there is little else to do these days. Also because I have always excused certain things for them in my head by thinking well parenting is stressful, you don't get a manual etc but now I'm just angry. I (and lots of others) are dealing with parenting through all this, homeschooling, can't take DC anywhere, no playdates and so on and still manage to not hurt their children physically or emotionally.

I was devastated to have to cancel my DC's birthday due to lockdown restrictions yet I had 2 birthdays cancelled due to minor misbehaviour. They took great pleasure in telling my friends parents too.

There are a load of examples, not just the one in my OP, that one though was just pure disbelief they put that on my shoulders. It didn't cross my mind until I had my DC that the incident wasn't my fault.

Also as a lone parent with a shitty ex, I have had that moment plenty of times where DD is late home and he rocks up saying "oh we decided last minute to go to the park/for a pizza or whatever" and I place the blame for worrying me solely at his feet, not hers.