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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude shop staff makes me feel horrible

47 replies

Anawana · 06/02/2021 22:36

Hi all, hope you're keeping well.

I really need some perspective here. There's a woman working in my local shop (only one I go to). I noticed that she has been freezing me out for some time now for no apparent reason. Even mentioned this to my husband but didn't think much of it until yesterday.

My husband and I popped in last night. We used self checkout and she was helping people. Something didn't scan and she came up to us. She recognised my husband and called him 'my love' for about 5 times in 2 minutes whilst helping us out, completely ignoring me. I attempted to talk too but she completely avoided me. When we walked out we realised we forgot to pick bread so walked back in.

I walked to the self checkout first. There were no one else other than us in a small area and she was standing there. I walked past her and smiled. She looked away and when she saw my husband behind me she said hi. I'm a couple of meters away at this point and she goes 'back are you?' and tries to talk to my husband.

This frustrated me so much. I found it incredibly rude and disrespectful but also too awkward to address it there and then. My husband didn't really answer as he thought her behaviour was rather strange too.

AIBU? How would you tackle this situation? We regularly see her and I don't want anything like this happen again as I get quite upset.

Sorry about the essay and thanks for your help in advance!

OP posts:

wellthatsunusual · 07/02/2021 01:05

You need to learn to ignore strangers. Don't give it a second thought.

Happycat1212 · 07/02/2021 01:11

Do you really care that much, you must hardly see her. How often do you go to the shop? At my local shop the security guard is always rude and makes me feel uncomfortable and follows me around, before Covid I was looking at something and I was checking the ingredients (veggi so was making sure it was) I put it back as it wasn’t (like I said long before Covid so the reason wasn’t that I was touching things unnecessarily) he came over and loudly said only touch what you are going to buy! I was really shocked by it that I just stop going in there now. Just go further to another shop, this is my only local shop but I now just travel further worth it to avoid someone making you feel uncomfortable

Original poster

Anawana · 07/02/2021 08:38

Thank you ever so much for all of your comments. They're all invaluable as they provide different perspectives. I will either go to a different shop or ignore her back as you suggested.

My post certainly seem to have triggered some of you though so I want to clarify few things:
I'm 27. I might be sensitive especially due to a rough patch at work but I'm sure being ignored hurts everyone to some extent. Can you not see the contrast in behaviour? Supersweet with someone else right next to me but wouldn't acknowledge me? It's irritating at best.

PS don't care if she wants to shag my husband so long as he doesn't.

OP posts:

TDMN · 07/02/2021 09:49

I just wouldnt give this a second thought - she's a rude stranger.
This is clearly bothering you a lot though, has your partner or a previous partner been unfaithful in the past where this would drag up old memories? This is such a non event and im just trying to understand why you would even think about this at all beyond maybe saying 'she's a bit rude' to your husband as you left the shop.
I guess you have to think this through, what exactly would be the outcome if you did confront her. Its highly unlikely that it would make the situation better, in fact its only likely to make it worse as your examples are so minor (sorry, but i wouldnt even register this!) She would likely react by ignoring you completely, but she might not go on to ignore your partner, so you still have the same issue.

TLIMSISNW · 07/02/2021 09:55

Do t give it another thought. You’re not pals, you happen to be in the same shop for a few minutest every few days.

As a side note, depending on where you are, you shouldn’t be shopping in couples.

wellthatsunusual · 07/02/2021 09:56

@Anawana

Thank you ever so much for all of your comments. They're all invaluable as they provide different perspectives. I will either go to a different shop or ignore her back as you suggested.

PS don't care if she wants to shag my husband so long as he doesn't.

You haven't triggered anyone.

Of course her behaviour is irritating. But irritating is all it needs to be. There is no point in allowing a stranger enough headspace to actually hurt your feelings, all it does is hurt you, not the other person. Hold your head high and don't let her affect you. I guarantee it will have the added bonus of pissing her off.

Ricebubbles2 · 07/02/2021 10:04

I see it is as bad customer service and usually lack of skills and manners
I worked in retail
You would be surprised by the many people you become familiar with and at least remaining police doing your job is not difficult politely.
Her chip on her shoulder, that is what online reviews are for or contacting the buisness to say she is Rude.
Flirting or calling your husband Love is just tacky.
Some women are just unable to be civilised usually due to feeling threatend by someone better or jealousy.
Shitty service and ignorance deserves a call to the shop!

DingDongDenny · 07/02/2021 10:09

I would be annoyed at that OP and would probably just blank face her back. But don't take it personally, there could be all number of reasons she doesn't like you. Could be your accent, you might remind her of someone she hates, who knows. But she should be professional anyway and clearly isn't

Tigerstripe20 · 07/02/2021 10:21

Ignore her completely,
I live in a smallish town with a few of local shops nearby, many of which have had the same staff since they left school 30+ years

I notice a couple of the women ( and they are women) only speak to the 'locals' or daily regulars who literally go in every day they can be super friendly to the person in front of you but not to you, I have seen it myself.

She may be enjoying thinking she's winding you up, ignore it don't make eye contact get your shopping done and go .

Crimeismymiddlename · 07/02/2021 10:26

Your being very sensitive. A women who works in my local Iceland just hates me-no idea why as am a normal, polite customer, but honestly it is so funny, and very odd! I do avoid her till if I can help it though-bad vibes and all that!

Heyahun · 07/02/2021 10:46

Yeah couldn’t care less about this tbh!

I’d either just be overly friendly with her to annoy her in future - or go in with my headphones on and not engage with anyone in there tbh

Nobody is very friendly in any of the shops I go to tbh and I don’t care

Mamamia456 · 07/02/2021 10:52

I would find this funny. Me and my husband would laugh and joke about it.

VintageDiamonds · 07/02/2021 10:58

Next time you go in, smile and ask her how she is. If that doesn’t break any ice, just ignore it. She is just a miserable rude person by nature. But you’ll feel better for having made an effort. It’s not personal, she’ll be like this to everyone. If it is personal, then she jealous or think you’re aloof.

ChronicallyCurious · 07/02/2021 11:07

Yes it’s rude and annoying but you’re being very over sensitive and over reacting. Just ignore her and if it really bothers you that much then ask your husband too also? She’s just a woman in a shop, I bet you don’t even cross her mind once you leave the store.

CakeRequired · 07/02/2021 11:12

She likely does fancy him, but I'd just find it funny if it were me in this situation. I'd be trying not to laugh in the shop.

Winniewonka · 07/02/2021 11:21

I'll guarantee it's nothing to do with you personally, she probably fancies other men who come into the shop as well. You're just another customer. I used to notice this in the large bakery close to my work place. It's part of a local chain, very busy so quite a few staff, all female and without fail as soon as a bloke came in, a couple of them would be all of flutter. I would be thinking "Hello, late middle aged woman here waiting to be served. Less flirting, more service, please!"

HaveringWavering · 07/02/2021 11:26

How could she have seen you smile as presumably you were wearing a mask?

you shouldn’t be shopping in couples.

Two very good points! OP maybe she “hates” you because you are not following Covid rules?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 07/02/2021 11:30

Go back. Buy 6 tubes of lube, massage oil and 100 condoms with a big smile on your face.

Raindough · 07/02/2021 13:11

Supersweet with someone else right next to me but wouldn't acknowledge me? It's irritating at best.

Guessing you didn’t work in retail when you were young? That’s normal.

The person manning the self checkout doesn’t speak to every customer; they assist customers where necessary with basic conversation, rather than strike up a conversation with everyone as you expect her to. That’s just the default of self checkouts and nothing personal.

Staff may have an extended conversation or laugh with a couple of customers a day, but that doesn’t mean they fancy them, some customers are just nicer or they build a rapport over time etc.

You’re overthinking this and it’s weird. Why are you desperate for acceptance from her?

HaveringWavering · 07/02/2021 13:14

I’ve just realised that I have devoted valuable head and brain space to thinking about, and commenting on, why a random woman in the internet thinks a shop assistant was rude to her. That’s it, no more Mumsnet for me. I’m done, bye...

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/02/2021 13:19

Just ignore her when you go in, and stick your tongue out behind your mask...

Throwaway2021 · 07/02/2021 13:20

Yeah, she is likely to be annoyed that you’re shopping without a mask on and in a couple. It comes across like you’re disregarding the shop’s pandemic guidance, essentially saying “F you” to staff

It seems like you may have social anxiety/self esteem issues to 1. remember something so mundane in this much depth and dwell on it, and 2. that something so mundane has such an impact on your feelings.

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