AIBU to want dh to stop having fun with DS?

[Stovetopespresso]

so, dh spends a lot of time a hobby with ds14. whats I've written below might seem unrelated but bear with me as I could do with advice.
dh also told me the reason dd12 is on strike (in her room, avoidance etc) is that I am "in her face" all the time - I try to engage her in conv, try and have fun, find her stuff to do, have organised for her to walk weekly with a friend. and another outdoor activity, a pony loan . I was offended and said maybe he could be the one 'in her face' for the next few days. he has found it very difficult! he never spends any quality time with her and it was nice seeing him make an effort to talk to her over dinner after having been the one to make sure she completed a school task.

But this has made dh have a wobble and when I went further and pointed out (the next day) how much he does with ds14 who is similar to him in personality/interests compared to ds10 let alone dd12, he ended up getting grumpy and shouting at the kids (dd10 for not getting in pjs and ds14 for being annoying, dd12 wpuld have heard it all).
Apparently it was my fault, I did get him to open up about it, for making him feel shit about dd12. i told him losing his temper and using his booming voice is unacceptable. But still, am I making a big deal out of this, is it in the family's interests to carry on like this? am I barking up the wrong tree? do dads and daughters matter? is this an example of male entitlement?

we can move on from this but I woyld love other peoples experiences and views.

My view is your DH knows he favours your eldest and expects you to deal with the other two, but he expects you to accept that because thats how he wants it and now he's pissed off.

Your AIBU should not be about "having fun" its AIBU to point out DH favours DS

I suspect this will be an argument that runs and runs.

Possible idea : YOU (post Covid) take DS1 away, and leave him for at least a weekend to get to know his other children. Don't warn him.

What do your DDs actually want to do? You say you've been trying to push the older daughter into outdoor activities and she's in a huff because of it - maybe she just doesn't want to do them? Why don't you and your DH meet her where she is - find out what she's interested in and bond with her over that, not overload her with things you think would be good for her.

Do the DDs have any interest in the hobby your DH and DS do? Have they said they want to spend more time with their dad?

Definitely AIBU to point out that dh favours ds. Just lazily engaging with the one that shares your interest is not parenting, that is expecting his children to entertain him. He needs to be the one approaching his daughters, finding out who they are, what interests them and find something there that he can engage with, teach himself to enjoy what they enjoy and take an interest.

To be fair at 12 I would have cringed at my father trying to force interactions with me. He is great and I love him but we weren’t that close and didn’t really have anything in common to talk about.
I’m closer to him now as an adult though.

So he spends time with DS14, you told him that he didn't do enough with DD12 so he did more. The very next day you moaned about DS10.

Does DD12 even want to go for a walk or ride a pony?

In a way it's tricky in that kids are individuals with their own likes and dislikes. But it shouldn't be the case that one parent gets to do all the fun / easy parenting stuff because it aligns with their own interests, meaning the other parent gets landed with all the dull/ responsible / 'extra' tasks. Is that how things feel to you?

I was offended and said maybe he could be the one 'in her face' for the next few days

Why does anyone need to be in her face at all?

He has enough of a relationship with his daughter for her to be happy asking him for help getting the OP out of her face, so they clearly have a relationship and talk to each other, maybe giving the kid some space is exactly what she needs.

Why do you need to be in your daughters face? What does she actually want?

Maybe DH and DS14 have a good relationship because it's natural and not being forced?

I was one of three and I think it’s hard to get a balance with equal engagement with kids, especially teens.
I loved (still do) football, going to rugby, regattas etc, I used to love going racing (with the benefit of hindsight I realise it’s problematic but as a child I loved going to see the horses), hiking etc all the things my dad liked.
My mum liked going to paint the scenery near us which I found mind numbing but my sister really enjoyed so they spent a lot of time together doing that.

I think as long as the opportunities offered are fair, and the DC decide if they want to take them or not, then it’s a non issue.

Sounds like you need to work on your own relationship with your children rather than having a go at your DH. From what you’ve said, DS14 enjoys spending time with DH. DD12 is happy to chat to him and let him help her with schoolwork. She seems keen to avoid your plans for her and would rather hide in her room. Why are you organising weekly meet-ups for her? Let her organise her own walks. In the meantime, DS10 doesn’t seem to get much of a mention from you at all.

sorry I've only just seen all these replies, thank you. @chazP I organise meet ups for her as she has broken up with her original friendship group, she enjoys the company of a friend and goes for a walk with her. she loves the horse thing.

@lastqueenofscotland yes the opps are fair-ish, although as pps
have said there's not much she really wants to do bar watch her phone and sit in a filthy room. I do feel i have to do the legwork for the others.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted great name! I put the 'in her face' comment in inverted commas to show thats what dh said, then tried to show that I wasn't, as she likes to see her 1 local friend and tje horse thing. yes I do try and talk to her too. I think its the minimum I can do. her face contorts in scorn as soon as she sees me in the morning and giving her a break from me would really help, I think.

@sirfredfredgeorge i had to set that communication up, having been accused by dh of being in her face. i'm not sure he will continue. otherwise she wouldn't get dressed, leave her room or do anything. maybe I should let her? I don't know! its hard to look after them while not wanting to dominate.

lost track of who has has said what but @EineReiseDurchDieZeit thats an amazing idea!
@gannett I dont know what she likes to do, she is very insular at the moment, seems happy after riding and her friend. obv this is partly a lockdown thing, roll on March 8th!

I didn't always get on with my mum at that age. If she organised a pony loan for me I think I would have worshipped the ground she walked on.

sorry @ChazP dd10 is also a huge issue in that he's left to me too but his issues are more sortable (I hope) in that yes I think of things to do, how to make the walk we do together fun when dh and ds14 are off out (eg letting him buy things for his pets on the way back), going via a friends house for a window wave or whatever, making sure he gets the computer so he can Skype his bbf avery evening. I even made everyone do a board game the other day (dh huffing all the way) coz that's what he wanted. because he's younger and has a different temperament it's a different range of issues.

I think our relationship is probably quite 1950s and dh sees me as 'doing' the kids while he works full time and has it all his way at weekends and evenings. and I'm not sure i like it, or maybe I'm just feeling the strain and need to lighten up a bit?
gutted when I went up to check on him after the shouting and found him crying in bed....

@Namechangeforthis88

I didn't always get on with my mum at that age. If she organised a pony loan for me I think I would have worshipped the ground she walked on.

me too! its a real financial sacrifice too but its worth it, dh agreed, otherwise she would retreat totally in to a world of headphones and media and solitude. we do use it as a bribe to make sure she comes out for a dog walk every day though, and helps do the dishes after dinner with the others. she resents it but hey we get a kid who is out once a day and vaguely helpful.

I have 3 kids so I understand that it can be much easier to bond with one child than another. Your h is being lazy not putting in effort with the other 2. The amount of effort I put in with my kids is certainly not proportional to the time we spend together but I find that the quality of interaction improves. He might not share her taste in music but would be know stuff about her life like her closest friends, favourite band etc? He could get easy brownie points by being the one who does car lifts and picking up.

I have come to the conclusion that teen parenting means working out what your child wants from you and how you think you should be parenting the child and meeting in the middle. By treating them as individuals rather than exactly the same, I think my kids and I argue less.

My 14yo would rather I generally leave him alone. In his ideal world I would cook and clean for him only. In my ideal world I would want him to come out for exercise with me once a day and chat to me sometimes. Perhaps help me prepare dinner. The compromise position is that I won't interrupt him while gaming or insist on him walking with me but I will interrupt his game if he's not picked up after himself. A year ago he'd say I was annoying and in his face but he sits at his desk for online learning and will bring down cups, take showers etc as he's realised that if he doesn't want to be "hassled" then he needs to do expected stuff before I ask.

Have you considered backing off from your dd? She presumably has a phone so can organize a time that she's free to see her friend. If she wants access to a pony perhaps she should talk to you or you could show her how to organize access. It sounds like she feels micromanaged and it's a good time for her to learn that if she wants to be treated more like an adult then she needs to learn to organize stuff herself or discuss things with a parent so they can help. It sounds like you might have organized the friend and pony because you know she likes it rather than because she prompted you. I don't think you should be organizing fun stuff for her - suggest it but let her take the idea or leave it like you would if she was a friend.

I'm not saying that you're in her face btw. I'm totally projecting what my teen would see as in your face behaviour. I'm also not suggesting that you let her do as she pleases. Some stuff is non-negotiable and you should insist on - eg completion of school work but staying in her room all day listening to music is not unreasonable either.
I would also have a think about how you check on stuff like if she's done her schoolwork. Do you ask or literally check? Do you ask at the dinner table which should be chill out time ? Do you ask daily ? When my 14yo was younger I used to check because he could be quite daydreamy but I had to make the transition to trusting he'd done it and making him face consequences if he didn't. He's never had a detention for incomplete homework because I can see detentions online and he wouldn't want a return to me checking like in primary.

Op, I mean this nicely but stop micro managing your daughter, she clearly does not like it,

@marshmallowfluffy thank you for your really thoughtful reply. I do find it hard to believe I'm going to be the mum of 3 teenagers again! (eldest dd has left home) and it is hard to let go. eldest dd was trouble in a different way, parties and meltdowns, but was never nc like dd12 is. i have been trying to back away, which is part of trying to get dh to do more with her. there are certain things which need to be done eg the school project , which was cooking, involved research, a list, a shopping bag and dd12 scampering up to her room and 'forgetting'it needed to be done.

if I left her totally alone no she wouldn't have had a chance to do the pony thing, it was on Facebook and 12 hours later all the slots had gone so yes I had to be involved, more of a case of how gutted she would be if she'd missed out. its been a bit of a lifesaver during lockdown
tbh.

but she resents me for making her walk each day and hates spending time with me. I just felt that as someone needs to have her back this could be dh but no he's out having an amazing time with ds14.

and yes ds10 has his own needs and issues (he virtually got suspended from home schooling last week) which I try and accommodate.

so yes one answer could be to shut off her weekly walk with her friend, its a drive away and we live rurally, its opposite a supermarket so it suits me, or I could not have done the pony thing, in which case she would be in her room 95% of the time as opposed to 80%.

I will back off totally when I know she can swim but we are not there yet, just need a bit more help from dh. I will broach it again this week, I've not gone on about it this weekend.
right I will stop rambling but thanks for all your replies.