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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has dumped us now she has a boyfriend

27 replies

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 09:53

NC
Not too many details as outing.
A friend of just over 2 years duration who we became close to very quickly has basically dumped us now she's met someone. We were her bubble saw her x 4 a week at least.... Now nothing.

Very new relationship very intense. Some signs already it may be controlling. We did quite a lot for her. It's quite awkward as both dcs querying why she's just disappeared. The rare occasions we do see her (always with him) she's awkward and strange, seems to want to just get us out of the way.

I'm both angry and upset and querying saying something. Ive also caught her out lying on a few occasions and wonder if she's a bit of a user.

Should I say something? Will have to be via message as if I try F2F she'll just make an excuse and leave. Or wondering if I'm best just washing my hands of her. 2 years isn't that long and wondering if I knew her that well after all. True colours and all that...

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 06/02/2021 09:57

It's fair enough for her to swap her support bubble. There may be other worrying signs but she can only socialise with one person and why shouldn't she change that to her boyfriend?

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:00

Understand re the bubble thing but can still meet one other person for walks outside which we've been doing throughout. Now she has no interest. Bubbles don't stop you messaging and calling.

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 06/02/2021 10:01

Seeing a friend 4 times a week is intense.

When friends go into relationships they see less of other people. That's just life. Did you reply still expect to see her loads when she has a boyfriend?

LagneyandCasey · 06/02/2021 10:03

There could be some controlling going on so keep up with the friendship from your side in case she needs you, but it does souns like she's in the intense beginning of a relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm sure most of us are guilty of ignoring friends and acting selfishly during that phase. She'll be back.

lazylump72 · 06/02/2021 10:03

OP I would forgive your friend,Reason I say this is a bit crap but can you remember that feeling of first meeting someone special and how you wanna spend all your time with them cos it feels so good and its so exciting? well thats where your friend is right now! She wont mean to neglect her girlfriends but shes caught up in the whirlwind of heady romance,Be happy for her,keep being there and it will settle down when he starts to annoy her! she will still love and need you but for now she needs space,

fastwigglylines · 06/02/2021 10:04

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows

Seeing a friend 4 times a week is intense.

When friends go into relationships they see less of other people. That's just life. Did you reply still expect to see her loads when she has a boyfriend?

Oh give over.

She's not just seeing her a but less, she's gone from lots to nothing. It is odd and no way to treat a friend. The OP is totally reasonable to wonder what the reason is.

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:05

The 4 x per week was very much her doing, messaging asking to go for walks, bike rides etc. I know people drift off a bit when they get a boyfriend. But when you're our age (mid 40s) you need to be careful about just dumping your friends for a new relationship. You need a safety net. There is other context but don't want to be too specific on here.

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 06/02/2021 10:06

@fastwigglylines well it's not nothing is it as OP IS still seeing her friend

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:08

I get it in your 20s but I think it pays to be cautious later on in life. I don't like him, again can't really say why as too outing, but it's with good reason.
Another mutual friend messaged asking where she's gone... So it's not just us

OP posts:

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 06/02/2021 10:10

So because she's older she needs to see more of you?

Sorry OP I don't get it. She's loved you, it happens.

fastwigglylines · 06/02/2021 10:11

Lostfriend I think you're right to be concerned about it possibly being a controlling relationship. They often start with intense love bombing.

Or it could be that your friend is a needy person with some issues and has switched her attention to her new bloke.

It's too early to tell if she's being an arse or if she's in a difficult situation. As a friend you should at least leave your door open to her in case it's the latter.

PageBaileyandbookanOR · 06/02/2021 10:11

you saw her four times a week?

That's too much.

You should be able to see her once every three weeks and still consider yourself a friend!

four times a week is like a relationship.

PageBaileyandbookanOR · 06/02/2021 10:13

Does sound like she's leapt in to a very intense relationship with her new bf, but.......... what can you do/.

Doyoumind · 06/02/2021 10:13

During this lockdown it seems everyone is getting out the house less and seeing people less even when it's permitted. If she's bubbling with him she can't see you. And it's normal to be intense at the start of a relationship. Just let her get on with it. Maybe she is a user. Maybe not. If you are angry with her, leave her to it and don't be passive aggressive.

TinyCake · 06/02/2021 10:13

Does she know you don't like him? Thank might be why she's stopped contacting you.

Is he dangerous?

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:13

When you're older it pays to be cautious is what I mean. I have quite a few single friends who go on dates/meet people etc. They still make efforts with their other mates.

I think because of the amount DH and I did for her we feel a bit used. She was equally friends with both of us. A family friend more than my individual female friend.

OP posts:

PageBaileyandbookanOR · 06/02/2021 10:15

yes, i would never ever at this stage of my life (single parent to teens) put a man I barely know over a strong friendship.

But she only has so many hours in the week. leave it a while and then say ''we were meeting four times a week and that was a lot, I know, now we never meet up but it doesn't have to be all or nothing! let's meet up once in a while!''.

fastwigglylines · 06/02/2021 10:16

@PageBaileyandbookanOR

you saw her four times a week?

That's too much.

You should be able to see her once every three weeks and still consider yourself a friend!

four times a week is like a relationship.

In lockdown?

If someone lives alone and you're their only adult company, I wouldn't say 4 times a week is excessive. If you live near each other and get on, why not?

These are not normal times.

They might not be 4 social occasions necessarily, but maybe a walk or popping in for a quick cuppa.

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:19

Yes it upped during 2020 because of the situation. In normal busy times usually once a week or so.

OP posts:

malificent7 · 06/02/2021 10:19

I understand your hurt but try to be happy for her. It's an unspoken rule that when you get into a new relationship, friends become less of a preoccupation. Things have changed and humans don't like that. Keep an eye on controlling behaviour but also is ot possible you dont like him as he's stolen your friend?

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:21

I think she is needy. Some of my other friends aren't keen, they sense a lack of genuineness. I do think it takes time to know someone, and they can surprise you even after quite some time. Often for the worse unfortunately.

OP posts:

Grossedout12 · 06/02/2021 10:28

Just leave it OP. I haven’t seen one of my friends since she coupled up with someone. It happens. Be there for her if/when she comes back. It’s called life. Friends come and go. She needs to build her life too.

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:35

Re the not liking him thing. Was all up and keen to meet him, made an arrangement with just her, he turned up as well... Fair enough, DH there as well, we tried to chat to him get to know him. The whole occasion was very very weird. She was weird. Tried a couple more times to get to know him, I don't like him. Always polite of course but there are genuine reasons we're not keen.
I wonder if he doesn't like her drinking (we often used to share a bottle of wine she's now stopped drinking) or having male friends...(when we could she often used to go to the gym/running with DH).

OP posts:

Lonoxo · 06/02/2021 10:39

It sounds like she has a needy personality and you were her surrogate boyfriend. She now has a proper boyfriend so you have been replaced. Don’t know what to suggest in terms of moving forward but the issue is with her, not you.

Original poster

Lostfriend · 06/02/2021 10:40

I don't think I'll say anything... But she has let us down in ways again, I can't explain on here but they're quite big things.
I'll see how the next couple of months pan out I suppose. I totally get she's going to be in the throes of a new relationship and distracted. But you make an effort with close friends, it has to be reciprocal.

If she's still being like this after a few months it's unlikely I'll be able to see her as a close friend again.

OP posts:

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