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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Competitive mother

54 replies

abitofpeace · 05/02/2021 23:49

My ds has a friend who is what I’d call a bit of a bragger. He’s tells my ds better than my him at swimming, football, reading, maths, etc. Ds really likes this boy but has started to think of himself as not being good at things any more. The boy’s mother is very competitive and this week sent me photos of his school work (she’s a keyworker) and the teacher praise written on it. This was out of the blue and I didn’t really need to know! In the past she has also tried to find out about ds reading levels, etc.

My ds likes this boy (they are both 7) and regularly FaceTimes him, it’s its usually just silly chat and mucking about. Tonight though the boy’s mother was in the background (I could hear her voice) and the boy started quizzing my ds on Maths. He was holding up a workbook to the camera and asking ds questions! This went on for some time. Ds had no interest in it and kept saying let’s talk about something else but the boy was persistent. Ds eventually hung up but seemed upset at being put on the spot.

AIBU to think this is really weird behaviour?

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 06/02/2021 00:09

The mother sending you photos of her sons work smacks of insecurity, she’s desperate to think that other people’s kids are not doing as well. So that’s weird but you can just ignore her.

On the kid’s call, maybe the boy really likes maths and wanted to talk about it? Time will probably tell in terms of how much this is the mother’s doing. I’d just clock it and monitor the situation, no need to do anything to affect the two kids relationship yet.

NotFabulousDarling · 06/02/2021 00:31

I've got one of these in my life. She needs a hobby. Her poor kid will grow up to have no friends at this rate if he's always bragging and she is as well.

Original poster
abitofpeace · 06/02/2021 00:37

Yes I feel this way too!She runs a business so I have no idea how she has so much time to find energy for this competition!

I ignore her but it’s harder for my ds, I don’t want him to feel inferior to this child.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 06/02/2021 00:42

I would say the boy is doing what he has learned will get him positive attention from his mum.

I think in this situation I would want to address this directly with the mum. Maths questions on a social call isn't on at all.

Original poster
abitofpeace · 06/02/2021 00:46

Yes I felt this too, I haven’t spoken to his mother about it yet. It was all so odd.

OP posts:
ChristOnAPeloton · 06/02/2021 00:48

It’s not the kid’s fault- quite clear to me where he’s got it from. I doubt having words with his Mum will have a happy ending either. She either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that her behaviour is inappropriate, and I doubt she’ll appreciate being pulled up on it.

FWIW I think your son handled it really well by ending the call. Maybe you can support him with doing this each time his friend gets boring and competitive again.

Wearywithteens · 06/02/2021 00:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
abitofpeace · 06/02/2021 00:56

I’ve started to notice this with DS.In Reception this all started and now they are in Year 2 and it seems to be getting worse. Ds is a placid sort who does well at school, I hate hear him saying he’s no good at things. This other boy seems to enjoy putting him down.

OP posts:
Whythesadface · 06/02/2021 00:56

My DD actually got told she was not allowed to ride in front of her friend, on a bike.
The mum tried to get me involved.

redpencil77 · 06/02/2021 01:02

@abitofpeace

My ds has a friend who is what I’d call a bit of a bragger. He’s tells my ds better than my him at swimming, football, reading, maths, etc. Ds really likes this boy but has started to think of himself as not being good at things any more. The boy’s mother is very competitive and this week sent me photos of his school work (she’s a keyworker) and the teacher praise written on it. This was out of the blue and I didn’t really need to know! In the past she has also tried to find out about ds reading levels, etc.

My ds likes this boy (they are both 7) and regularly FaceTimes him, it’s its usually just silly chat and mucking about. Tonight though the boy’s mother was in the background (I could hear her voice) and the boy started quizzing my ds on Maths. He was holding up a workbook to the camera and asking ds questions! This went on for some time. Ds had no interest in it and kept saying let’s talk about something else but the boy was persistent. Ds eventually hung up but seemed upset at being put on the spot.

AIBU to think this is really weird behaviour?

It is weird. Let your DS work it out for himself as to whether he wants to be friends or not, he'll get bored with the boy if his mum keeps butting in; depends on how much the boy wants your DS as his friend.

A friend of my DS1 - mum said she was glad he was now sitting by her son as the ither boy kept annoying him.

But then the boy got ultra competitive witg my DS and chose himself to have different friends, which the boy didn't like - he has since done it to 2 other boys.

They choose their friends, it'll be OK. Are you home schooling while this boy is in school? You can photo your DS's work and email it to his teacher, I bet your DS will love to know his teacher has his work!

SillyOldMummy · 06/02/2021 02:40

The way to counteract it is to ignore it, but on your home front do plenty to bolster your DS. Find time to look at his work for each homeschool lesson, praise the effort that has gone in and notice the detail - " I can see how much care you've taken to make your letters all the same size" etc

Then, in a quiet moment reflect with your DS on how HE knows he's doing well, and being the best version of himself he can be? Maybe he bust a gut in Joe Wicks PE and remembered to rehydrate without being told to. Etc. Etc. You can tell him how you know for yourself what good performance looks and feels like. Help him notice what is going well. We all need to learn to validate ourselves, and motivate ourselves. Comparing to peers makes us insecure and needy - I tell my DD that in a world of billions of people, there will often be someone who scores a better mark than her but nevertheless SHE is unique and her mark on the world is all her own. Read with and talk him about people who have done incredible things - Sir Tom, Marcus Rashford, the vaccine science teams working together to save the world. And tell him if the boy wants to brag that's his problem and you are pleased he is being mature enough not to get dragged into such pettiness.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2021 03:12

My dd had a friend who always had bigger and better but my dd used to just think it was very funny.

Marchitectmummy · 06/02/2021 03:33

@SillyOldMummy is spot on, use this experience with competitive family to teach you how to bolster your child and install confidence in him. Your son sounds lovely but this family will not be the only ones he will come across as he moves through life. It's a brilliant skill to be able to maintain your confidence quietly knowing you are equal, better or whatever. it does work.

Growing up we were 4 sisters and my dad was particularly attuned to tbe difficulties women at the time faced at work. He pretty much everyday found a way to provide an example of a brilliant thing a woman had done in tbr past. Whether it was Angela Ripen reading the news or someone in tennis, how well our female next door neighbour cut the grass. It could be anyone but he constantly showed us how he viewed women as being superior beings and introduced us to role models till we believed we were amazing then he showed us examples in 9ur own work of brilliance. Honestly not one of us could be affected by vacuous braggers you have described. It works!

JesusAteMyHamster · 06/02/2021 03:58

I'd be holding up placards with the answers on from behind the camera for my kid.......I'm a huge knobhead though 😂😂😂

Original poster
abitofpeace · 06/02/2021 04:58

In the past I’ve always ignored it, I don’t enjoy speaking to this child’s mother anymore though. I feel like there is always an agenda with her, it gets in the way of any real connection.

If I’m being honest I really don’t think there’s much of a future for the friendship between ds and this other boy. The problems with him are worse over time, I’d rather my ds choose a friend who doesn’t need to put him down all the time.

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 06/02/2021 06:33

@Coyoacan That's brilliant, your daughter is a bright girl Smile

Worried830410 · 06/02/2021 06:53

I think if its starting to affect your ds in this way then you need to address it rather than wait for this friendship to fizzle out. The damage to his self esteem might be done by then. I would have ignored his mother's text about the bragging work. Or said you are confused why she is sending such stuff to you. Let her know you are not interested in her silly games.
Feel sorry for the boy though. He doesn't know that in a few years no one is going to like him or want to be friends with him.

bigvig · 06/02/2021 07:29

I agree with a previous poster ignore and and spend your time encouraging your DS and improving his confidence. If I said anything it would be things like - I'm not sure why .......says you're not very good at ,,,,, that's a really mean thing to say. I would hope you know better than to say horrible things like that to your friends. I would also try to encourage your DS to remove himself from the friendship and perhaps encourage his friendship with other children instead. It's not the boy's fault it's clearly the mum's but that doesn't mean your DS has to put up with it.

MiniCooperLover · 06/02/2021 07:56

My DS has a friend like this. Friend is very bright and confident, my son isn't as confident. Friend can swim better (he can't, he still wears arm bands), can cycle better (he can't, doesn't have a bike), likes to remind my DS he got his pen at school first etc. I tried for years to gently split them up, it never worked. They're 9 now, my DS loves Minecraft Dungeons and the other 9 year old refuses to play it because my DS is better at it than him and this seems to have opened my sons eyes a little to his faults.

Plmoknijb123 · 06/02/2021 07:56

I would help your son improve confidence and help him expand his social network and distance himself from this child. People don’t change and his mother and him sound like a bad influence. I would teach your son to spend time only with people that make him feel good. If he feels sad or low after being with a friend then that friendship is not serving him anymore and he needs to build space and find a better friend.

MsTSwift · 06/02/2021 08:01

Jesus what is she doing! Terrible parenting - how to ensure your child has no friends. Well done her 🙄 what a weirdo

Anycrispsleft · 06/02/2021 08:09

@MsTSwift that's just what I was thinking. Why would you go out of your way to turn your kid into a praise-obsessed braggart with no friends?

abc31 · 06/02/2021 08:17

My kids are now at secondary school and I've met too many parents like these. Overly competitive and far too interested in other kids' results - when my son was in Y7/8, he couldn't understand why a boy from the other class waited for him by the door so he could ask his marks after every exam. It transpired the boy's parents paid their son if he got a higher mark than my son in the exam.

The same child had also never messaged my son before (it came up as an unknown number) but, when they both received scholarships, texted him to ask the fee discount we'd been offered (it's in the terms of the scholarship that this figure is kept confidential). Yet, when we were sat at a weekly sports session together, his mum would completely ignore me as if we were strangers. I found their behaviour really bizarre and felt sorry for their son to be under that pressure.

I've learnt to ignore all the crazy behaviour of other parents and suggest my kids don't give it the oxygen it needs by sharing any information they don't need to. I would definitely cool the friendship and look to broaden his friends so he doesn't have to feel put down by his friends. I'd also avoid (in more normal times), your son going to his house - I know another parent who loved to invite kids so she could quiz them to determine whether or not they were competition to her son.

There are lots of normal parents and kids and it's worth taking the time to find a more supportive friend without competitive parents.

TimToe · 06/02/2021 08:27

We've got a similar situation. Dd's friend's mum is super hysterical about any successes her dc bring home. If they win a little school competition she runs around at the school gate showing off her dd's winning art work unsuspecting mums. Barges into any conversation I might have with another mum at the school gate to show how well connected she is, informs me that her husband has had a mega promotion with a tinkly laugh and how her older child is in top set bla bla bla. Since year 2 my dd's friend has started acting just like her insecure show-off mother. Telling dd how amazing her school report is and how she gets full marks for everything at school.

No one likes a show off so this super special and super talented (ha!) child will soon realise that friends will move on as nobody likes to be made to feel small.

The funny thing is that when we mention anything good that has happened to us the mum gets tight lipped and literally cannot say a word about it. It's actually really funny to see.

I think it come from a profound inferiority complex and they probably feel that they are actually non deserving of these 'successes'. It's quite sad but also quite irritating.

Sophiederuges · 06/02/2021 08:29

@Marchitectmummy Your father sounds like a wonderful man and parent.