Worry about my teenager

[onionsndsage]

My son is 17, he has aspergers and ADHD. He can react quite loudly and can get upset when he disagrees with us.

I'm very worried about the music he's listening to (always through earphones) I only found out by accident the type of music it is. It's full of the worst swearing you can imagine and describes very graphically the sexual things going on. It made me feel sick. I tried calmly to explain why this sort of stuff is harmful and definitely not what I'm happy for him to listen to. I've told him I'm stopping his Spotify and he says he will just use you tube. His response was actually very scary, I'm worried he's addicted to it, he certainly came across as though he needed to listen to it, trying to justify that it's fine because everyone else does. I've threatened to switch off the wifi but he needs it for school work. I hate being in this situation, I don't want to provide the means for him to listen to such nasty material. I didn't even know it existed. I know he likes to listen to music when studying as he says it helps him focus, he's doing well at school and I believe him that it might help, but not this. He's over 6ft and scares me sometimes when he's melting down etc, what am I to do? I'm pretty sure I'm not be unreasonable to not want this to go on?

@onionsndsage

Thankyou all so much for pointing out things I had no clue were out there.

It's difficult with my son being 17 and I do try to trust him and give him personal space but in the past things have gone to far and I've had to step in and was so glad I was being nosey, so I feel I do need to keep an eye on what he's doing. He has no close physical friends, there are non I get to meet, I hate having to look into what he's been doing but he is vulnerable because of his Aspergers.

That is responsible, be kind to yourself, you can love and trust someone whilst still safeguarding against things they are vulnerable for. You sound like a great mum, I hope things go well.

He hates me so much now because I've stopped this.

His argument is that it isn't hurting anyone, apparently how I feel doesn't count.

Hmm I'm kind of on the fence here, I mean yes the lyrics are gross and but teens have always liked pushing boundaries with their music. I'm sure my mum wasn't always a fan of me blasting Eminem as a kid, think Kim or Kill You but really I was a pretty normal teen and I'm not totally odd as an adult

I can't comment on the aspergers making your son more vulnerable but I would be cautioun against being to controlling. Your son is 17 and regardless of any disabilities will be an adult soon. You want him to come to you when there are issues not be scared you will react badly at every turn.

I think the difference between folk listening to Eminem in their teens and kids now accessing really gross and misogynistic music is that the Internet wasn't as "big" in the early 2000s. Now if you access an artist you can click through for hours and find some really quite horrible groups and sites. Related content, sponsored ads, these weren't things 20 years ago.

Yeah I recognise that there way is more crap available than there was 20 years ago but my point is that just because he is listening to "edgy" music it doesnt mean he is actually feeling those lyrics. Even at 13/14 I did not think rape or DV were acceptable, I just liked thinking I was cool.

I am not saying don't keep an eye on things or that it is not or will not be an issue, just that it is fairly normal to listen to things for shock value and has been for a long time. I'm sure my mum appalled her parents with her outrageous music sense too.

I understand curiosity and rebelling etc but most of the time people soon lose interest, according to my son he's been listening to it for years. It really feels like he doesn't understand that listening to this sort of thing is damaging, he wants proof! I think the fact he's reacting this way is proof but I'm going to look into this. Any ideas where to start? Does this type of music have a generic name?

Yes horrible extreme lyrics but he’s nearly an adult I don’t see how you can control what music he listens to.
Bringing him up to respect women is what’s important and that’s more than just a conversation about music.

If he has already been listening to it for years, why are you stopping it now? It wasn't his general behaviour that made you look into his music.

Do you not think your son is capable of separating his own thoughts and feelings from lyrics he hears? By removing it from him, you're basically saying to him that if he continues listening to it that is how he will be thinking. It could be seen as quite insulting from his POV

But the music it's self isn't damaging, I literally listening to misogynistic drivel most of my teen years. I still put on Eminem occaisonally as it reminds me of being a kid again. I would be concerned if he is using sexist language or is regularly disrespectful to women but I don't actually count him being annoyed at you controlling his musical tastes in the realm.

How does he usually interact with women or in fact people in general? If he is respectful and kind for the most part, and not frequenting incel sites or things of that nature, I would think he is just being a regular teen.

This is not your regular sweary stuff. Because it's on Spotify it lulls you into thinking it's fine. It definitely is not. I think most decent people wouldn't want to listen to this stuff more than a few times. They would move on. There is nothing enjoyable about it, my son can't even explain what he gets out of it. My son is now desensitised from it. I am not. I do blame myself for allowing this to of happened and for so long, firstly I had no idea such explicit music existed and definitely not on Spotify, my bad. I'm looking to prove how damaging this is. I'm worried long term to about his digital footprint and what will now be associated with him long term. I do know of a friend who was required to sign the official secrets act for work purposes and part of the process was to declare what sort of porn they watched! I know my son is a way off from this but the career path he's chosen could possibly be affected one day by his choices now.

If it is your Spotify account (you said you have access) then you can turn off Allow Explicit Content in the settings. I use my husbands account and have just turned it off and now can’t turn it back on unless I have his passcode.
Obviously you know your son’s reactions so need to make the decision on whether doing that would be an appropriate thing to do.

Yep you are right to be concerned here OP especially with the Asperger's given that that could well colour his view on females .

Bless you. It must be hard to deal with , with him being bigger and hard for you to control.

I was an Eminem fan too, but agree with PPs who say there is a kind of pipeline associated with this content pushed through ads/recommended videos that didn't exist in our era. Very easy for teens to get sucked into. Have you been able to turn off explicit content on Spotify like Gear suggested?

I could barely type replies whilst listening so no idea how it helps him work but things may be different due to the ADHD. Normalising themes of violence towards women is harmful and perpetuates sexually violent behaviours as it is is perceived as OK (by male and female artists).