Toddlers (Inc 1 with ASD) my life is a misery. Is this the reality?

[Icannotdothis2]

Can somebody please tell me whether this is the universal reality for small children (inc those on the spectrum) or whether I have just totally fucking failed.

I cannot do this anymore.

I have two children aged 3 and almost 2, my 3 year old has autism (the PDA profile) and receives as much help as I can access atm which is just SALT, educational psychologist and nursery.

My life is a misery.

I have tried to implement virtually every strategy reccomended for children like DS, to curb the aggression and make him happy/secure.

None of them listen to a word I say. I have zero authority. The eldest hits the youngest several times a day and I can't ensure her safety because neither of them can be left alone and our flat is so small.

They refuse to go to bed until gone 10pm, any attempt to put them down before then results in them screaming like they're being hurt and upsetting my neighbours so I have to take them out again.

My eldest smashes up the flat, whatever he can get his hands on that he can break - he will. He kicks the bin over so the contents spill out onto the floor. My TV is damaged. DH has had a glass candlestick smashed on his head (we no longer have anything smashable around but he will always find something to break)

Constant tantrums and meltdowns i can distinguish between the two btw

My youngest has started to model DS' behaviour in terms of refusing/acting up/trying to rule the roost.

I have no life outside of the stress within these 4 walls.

DH is here and really does his best when he's home but works long hours so 80% of the daily drudgery is down to me, he admits himself that DS is incredibly hard work and he doesn't know how I cope alone during the day.

Please tell me it gets better, I feel so downtrodden I actually feel physically ill most of the time and I'm ashamed to say I've had some very dark thoughts lately (toward myself, never the children)

Not all toddlers/pre school children are like this are they? Is this because I've failed?

That sounds really difficult and please don't rush to blame yourself. Toddlers are very, very difficult, and it does get easier as they grow.
I don't feel competent to give you advice as none of mine have asd, other than to say we all feel like shit when our kids act up, and please remember that just because you're feeling overwhelmed, doesn't make you a bad parent.

@NatureNeverRushes

That sounds really difficult and please don't rush to blame yourself. Toddlers are very, very difficult, and it does get easier as they grow. I don't feel competent to give you advice as none of mine have asd, other than to say we all feel like shit when our kids act up, and please remember that just because you're feeling overwhelmed, doesn't make you a bad parent.

Thank you for being so kind nature.

Very, very difficult indeed

DD is usually very sweet and well behaved but she's copying everything DS does now (apart from the hitting and breaking things)

Toddlers are hard hard work. Let alone with additional needs.
I don’t know if this is helpful (maybe not) but do you have suitable wet weather gear for the three of you and get outside every day to the park/local forest for a long time, regardless of the weather?
You 100% have not failed. Could you speak to your GP or Health visitor?
Im so sorry you are going through this tough time

Ask for more help

Sounds like you are trying your best

No one could deal with all of that
Xxxxx

Toddlers are tough but it does sound like you have it particularly hard.

Can you utilise nursery more for both of them?

Do they share a bedroom?

Hugs. Parenthood is hard x

I had a very difficult preschooler who improved a lot over time. One of the most effective things I did was give up trying to discipline him and concentrated on praise instead.

It will get easier. I've twins one with asd and he has matured and his behaviour improved as he gets older. Given tho delayed wrt to his age. But it does get easier. Ask for help. No one will judge, none of us are the perfect parent we thought we would be!
Can you contact a local autism charity? talking to mums who have been there is the best support. And they can often signpost you to available help. Even someone to talk to on the phone.
My son ended up on melatonin to help him with sleep. It was a 3-4hours to get him to settle otherwise but that hour in the evening just to yourself is important. Can your husband give u an hour when he gets back from work? Leave the house, go for a walk and get a break. If you can prioritise yourself even for a bit you will be stronger for it.

Toddlers really are hard work, never mind two, never mind additional needs, never mind a lockdown during a pandemic. I really feel for you.

I don't have any experience of children with additional needs but in terms of general toddler behaviour, yes things really really do get better. Sending you lots of strength 💪🏻

Thank you all for replying. I really appreciate your advice.

We do get out as much as possible even when the weather isn't great, DS loves rain and puddles so that doesn't deter me.

I haven't seen the kids health visitor since DD was a baby, she'll be 2 in April. As nice as she was (the health visitor) I don't think she'd be able to help much. I confided in her that I was having an episode of poor MH when I was postnatal and the extent of her support was her suggesting I self refer for talking therapy. I did that and it was helpful at the time, but with the toddler stage (and realising DS' additional needs) came a whole host of other problems.

They did share a bedroom until it became unsafe for them to do so, me and DH are on a sofa bed in the living room at night time now to enable DS to have his own space.

DD will be going to nursery in September.

Come to think of it, there is an autism organisation I can ring yes. When DS was diagnosed I was sent an info pack and with it was a pamphlet for a local organisation there to support the families of newly diagnosed children.

I don't know why I haven't called them already really, I've become so defeatist lately.

You haven’t failed OP. I have no direct experience of a child with autism but I’m at home currently with my toddler and baby and it’s not easy. In fact it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My entire day and night revolves around small people and it can be all consuming and relentless.

You are doing amazing . Can you ask for further support from anyone?

My days are better and I can think more clearly when I get out early for fresh air and exercise. Hours if necessary with snacks to keep them up and try for an earlier bedtime. Is this possible for you? You could hopefully do parks/ walks/ forests and a double buggy for when they tire for a snack.

In terms of not keeping your two year old safe I would suggest sitting on the floor with them in the middle so that when you recognise the signs you can actively gently take his hand to stop him hitting before he actually can and just repeat ‘I can’t let you hit baby sister’. I know it’s hard when you’re exhausted but he needs you to stop him before he has had the chance. They both do. Obviously you are by yourself so if possible can you prepare all food/ snacks/ clothes the night before with your husband and then when you need to make their lunch put your two year old in a high chair to remove them from each other.

Can you put the bin inside a cupboard so he can’t kick it over?

Do they both refuse bedtime? What is their routine?

Those are hard ages anyway and it sounds like your son’s additional needs makes it even tougher. We have two girls who are now 6 & 4. I remember OH and I saying in the first lockdown we’d have been utterly broken if it had happened a couple of years earlier and they’d been 18 months and 3 1/2. A relatively short amount of time has massively changed their ability to communicate, cooperate and play independently.

You're exhausted. Toddlers are exhausting and asd is exhausting. Give yourself a goal to call them tomorrow. Ask about parent groups. Sometimes knowing you aren't the only parent going thro this helps.
Someone explained to me once that my son's emotional development was approx 2yrs behind his peers. In my head it helped to think of him acting like a 2yr old when he's 4. But when he's 10 and acting like he's 8yrs old it's less noticeable. So as he gets older it gets easier.
Sounds like u are being very hard on yourself. If you are implementing parenting strategies you are working hard at being a great mum and that counts for a lot. Not all of it will work but you will find the stuff that works for you.
Hang in there. You will be fine.

I've been through what you are experiencing, my eldest has asd, adhd and a learning disability. He was 3 when my youngest was born and for around 2 years life was unbearable. He behaved just like you're son, I couldn't leave them alone even to go to the toilet as he would attack his brother, he'd destroy everything in the house etc etc... I was so miserable however once he started a special school and he started to get intense behavioural support there we started to see changes little by little. At nearly 6 he started on medication for his adhd and that made a big change. He is now 9 and although behaviour can still be tricky at times on the whole he's a delight. So I just wanted to say, it will get better! I can remember being on a behavioural course for parents, weeping at how hard it was an a lady telling me her daughter used to be the same but as she grew up she changed and I didn't believe this lady. I just couldn't see how he would ever improve but just like you learn to cope with the challenges so will your child. There's a fab Facebook group called SEND VCB Project (violent and challenging behaviour) which is well worth joining for help advise and a bit of solidarity.
Life will not be like this forever, I promise xx

Look at local offer for children with disabilities
Contact local parent group
Call your hv and get referred to all support available for childrdn with additional needs
Speak to your gp
Call NAS helpline
Get referral to social services children with disabilities team they are the gateke3pers to short break respite care

Tell them you close to family breakdown
You have to ask to get help

Make your environment safe move things he can smash etc.

Kerp it simple

"Quiet hands" move his hands away

Tell him what to do by moving him away calmly

...take his hand to stop him hitting before he actually can and just repeat ‘I can’t let you hit baby sister’.

That sentence is way too complex...what does "i cant let you" mean to him? if he has ASD and delay.
Try "hands quiet near baby"

Does your eldest go to nursery? Whereabouts in the country are you? Here we have Specialist Early Years who apply for ehcp etc, they will know of suitable nursery provision for the 3 year old. Would you consider respite care for your eldest to give you a break? Your health visitor could get they process started for you.

I have to say, being stuck in a small flat with 2 children of those ages would be enough to test most of us, and that's without the extra challenges you and your children face. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're keeping one foot in front of the other, no-one could ask for more right now

No, this isn’t the reality for most parents. Your child is extremely challenging and this makes every aspect of your life more difficult.

My child with asd is significantly less challenging than yours, so I don’t pretend to understand what you are experiencing, but I do understand that having a child with asd can make life more difficult in ways that no one can appreciate until they experience it.

At the age of your dc, others will try to emphasise and say that their child does x too, without understanding that yours does xxx, yyy AND zzz, and also doesn’t respond to basic parenting techniques.

Please don’t think I’m being harsh, because I don’t mean to be. I found I could cope much better when I accepted that it was harder than normal, started saying that clearly to others and gave myself permission to cut a bit of slack.

you have done well to get an asd diagnosis so young. I know it isn’t easy. Is nursery still running at the moment? Could you increase his hours to give you more of a break? Also, are things in place for him to start school with support?

OP - I have (likely) two autistic children - 8 &
3 - 3 yo not yet diagnosed.

Some days is fucking hideous, some it’s not.

Mine don’t have PDA so I don’t know about that profile. But I can identify with the days where it feels like there’s no way out.

My younger has severe speech delay and has an obsession with moving furniture around and climbing. He’s like a wrecking ball. I can’t leave anything vaguely delicate out or he’ll get it and break it/smash it. He also puts everything in his fucking mouth.

DH is currently putting the little bugger to bed and he’s just kicking the wall over and over.

The older is very different and is quite easy now but as a toddler he really wasn’t.

I suppose I’m clumsily saying toddlers are hard work. Two are really hard work. That’s without additional needs. Chuck in autism and all bets are off.

You’re doing great OP - does your DS speak? When will he start nursery? My older boy really has been much easier since starting school and he started at the school nursery the term after turning 3. It was transformative for all of us.

Call the organisation get in contact with local parents who know the system to get short breaks respite .

Sleep. Forget everything else for now. Sort the sleep and everything will improve ten fold.

I have an ADHD 9 year old with a whole host of other issues and LD. He was a violent angry bully with disordered sleep and zero patience.

His ADHD nurse told me flat out, sort the sleep everything else will follow.

Pop a note through your neighbours doors explaining there will be a few rough nights with the kids and noise as you're taking charge of bedtime.

This is what we were told to do, for all kids. It took 4/5 nights of HARD work but by the end of week 2 we had jt nailed and we have never looked back.

Evening meal after which strictly no screens. At all. None.

Quiet family time (this will be impossible at first but stick with it. Small amount of time at first until they begin to engage with it) a puzzle, a book, some art .. Dont force them. Just sit on the floor or at the table and begin the task. At ANY indication one of them is showing you any interest pile on the praise and welcome them in.

A bath, not full of toys and chaos but with some lavender bath salts or something of that ilk, one at a time. Focus on giving them a slow relaxed wash, massaging them a little each time, including their hair and scalp if it doesn't cause anguish.

PJs on, a light supper of toast or porridge with a drink then teeth/toilet and into bed.

Yes they will kick off, yes it will be hell, yes you'll be tempted to quit but don't.

Put them into bed, kiss and hug and say goodnight and leave.

Rinse repeat.

Ignore any violence. Responding to.it with any shouting or punishment it just restarts them.

Lift into bed, kiss goodnight and leave. Nothing else. Dont respond to demands for drinks or food or a story. Just loft into bed, kiss, goodnight, leave.

It sounds easy but it isn't. Took the then 8 and 4 year old 1.5 hours the first night. Nearly broke me.

Next night was worse. They knew what was coming. By night 4 and 5 it took 30 minutes. By week 2 they were happily doing it.

Help yourself by making a bedtime story board with very basic pictures that represent the steps. Give clear warning 5 minutes before transitioning to the next step. Use an alexa or device as an alarm for transition .. It defers blame from you.

Ecery teeny tiny element of this they do well or without complaint PILE on the praise. Use positive reinforcement "oh DS you have drawn very calmly" "DD you are letting me wash your hair so patiently" .. Observational praise is your best friend.

Lastly ask your health visitor to refer you to the incredible years course.

Life changer.

To answer your original post you haven't failed . My 6 yr old is nt and her toddler years were lovely she was cute and funny.
My 2 yr old DD is on the pathway for an asd diagnosis. She is completely non verbal and just screams constantly. Everything sets her off and we can't raise our voices above a whisper. I'm glad there is a pandemic because I can't face going out in public.
I spent today looking at old videos of my older child at the same age dancing singing and chatting and just cried .
Hugs. The situation is shit, you most certainly are not.

Thank you all so much, I'm taking heart from your replies. I've read every one and have received alot of good advice so far.

I'm going to go to sleep whilst I can as they've finally gone off and will be up early.. but I'll be back tomorrow to answer questions and reply to your posts.

Again, thank you! X

That sentence is way too complex...what does "i cant let you" mean to him? if he has ASD and delay.
Try "hands quiet near baby"

Yes you’re right like I said in my OP I don’t have direct experience with ASD so the language will be too complex. Though my advice was more about preventing the hitting of his sibling before he got the chance to.

No Op, you have not failed, of course not!

Yes it is true that not all toddlers are like this, but then , well behaved toddlers can become horribly behaved teens!! What does the educational psychologist suggest?
Sending you virtual coffee ( or tea?) and hug for bravely keeping up the good fight as a parent under such absolutely draining and stressful circumstances. COVID is not helping your situation, with needing childcare , time with extended family or some sort of respite, to get out of the 4 walls and get a desperately needed break