To not have any respect for this man.

[CB1128]

I’m fully expected to be told to mind my own business. I’ll take that..

I have never known my dad as he hasn’t ever bothered and DS has a difficult relationship with his dad. So I know how much it sucks.

Anyway, not even to do with my deadbeat dad or my sons Disney dad here...

Soo, I’ve been with dp for nearly a decade. He treats DS as his own and we have Dd. All good.

Dp’a mum and hers husband live nearby with one of dp’s siblings (mil and her husband do not have children together) and they’ve been together longer than what we have. I’ve always got the vibe her husband does not like children. He just seems flustered if the kids visit - which hasn’t happened in a while due to covid. I’ve spoken to sil and she says her husband is really possessive of her and doesn’t like her spending time with anyone else which explains a lot but this isn’t really the point of my post.

Anyway, I always knew her husband ( let’s called him Dave here) has kids. I didn’t know how many. Dp said he’s never really spoke about his children or what they are called. He never seen them etc. Nothing to do with me really.

I’ve recently found (it’s a small place, people talk) that he’s got perhaps 5 or 6 children with two different woman - both who he was married too. But once he split up with the wife he didn’t bother with the kids. It seems he wants the women but not the children. He hasn’t seen them since they were small. They live very nearby too! Coincidentally I know one of them - I went school with her. It seems the second wife was an affair when with the first and she got pregnant so they got married.

I know quite often woman can make it difficult for dads. I know that life isn’t always perfect and sometimes things happen but to not see so many children?! But then if a dad really wanted to see their children they’d fight for it.

Aibu to lose all respect for him?! I know this is none of my business. But not having my dad around myself I know what it feels like! Dp never had his dad around either.

Mil has always insisted my children call her husband grandpa even if he doesn’t live up tot the title. I’m all for step families etc. My children call my stepdad grandad etc but he acts like a grandad and hasn’t got abandoned kids around the county.

But it makes me cringe. How someone can not see their children and now their grandchildren!

Like I said. I’m fully expecting to be told to mind my own business.

But I’m just shocked to be honest and wanted to vent!

I guess mil was perfect for him. Her children were pretty grown up when they met.

Hmm, it’s ok to think FIL is dubious character and was an absent dad
But he’s your FIL and presumably you have a familial relationship with mil and him
So I think you keep it cordial,you don’t have to like him but you’re not the arbiter and judge of his character

I don’t really consider him fil to be honest. Dp doesn’t consider him a stepdad as he was a full grown adult when they met and the guy hasn’t treated mil the best.

Obviously I’m not going to say anything. I’ll just be civil but I just can’t have full respect for a man who abandoned all his kids knowing how much my dad abandoning me hurt me 😭

And that’s fair enough,you don’t need to like or respect him. He sounds v unsavoury
However if your child still sees mil and FIL there needs to at least be some civility
Or if it’s not worth the arse ache cut your losses don’t see them.
Does your child like them,will it be a problem to decrease contact.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

And that’s fair enough,you don’t need to like or respect him. He sounds v unsavoury However if your child still sees mil and FIL there needs to at least be some civility Or if it’s not worth the arse ache cut your losses don’t see them. Does your child like them,will it be a problem to decrease contact.

I would say my children don’t dislike him. He’s never treated them badly but he’s never interacted with them much but they haven’t really took much notice honestly and he’s just there and they are used to it. Mil is a lovely grandmother and she treats them well when we can see them. I know this has nothing to do with me at all and never my place to mention it but I’m just feeling really shocked about it. He has grandchildren too! Families are complicated!

I completely get it,and esp as you understand the impact of an absent dad
But the mil and her husband come as a pair so you’re kinda stuck with him
At least he’s not overbearing or telling you how to parent, at least he keeps his trap shut

No you're not being unreasonable.

I had a rather unexpected bombshell in my late 20's that my Dad was married before he met my Mum and had us. He had a child with his first wife, and when they split up, he never saw his first child again. I believe his first child was 2 when he left

I love my Dad to bits and he's been wonderful with us, but I lost a hell of a lot of respect for him that day.

More so as he forbade me (or tried to!) from searching for my half sibling...
I've totally ignored this and been looking ever since, but aside from finding out his first wife's name on the marriage cert, and his first child's birth cert, I haven't yet been able to locate them.

Yanbu. I have no respect for anyone who abandons their dc.

Not really being unreasonable as you are entitled to feel the way you do about the situation and your reaction is understandable. If MIL is good for your kids and he doesn't bother them then as time passes you will feel less shocked about the situation. Thankfully your DC sound like they are lucky to have family who love them and put in the effort 👏

I'd feel the same. Zero respect for people like that. I wouldn't date/marry a man as heartless as that either, no matter if he treated me well it would always be in my mind that he abandoned his own children.