*Trigger warning* was this sexual abuse or not?

[Itsallcmingbk2me]

In mid-late 2019 I met a man online and was in the early stages of a relationship.

He went on to be very emotionally and psychologically abusive in such a short period of time so I had to get rid of him within three months and he started a smear campaign online. I asked for advice on here at the time.

He ended up going to prison for harassing me as he has a history of harassing women and has been to prison before.

I've just come across his miserable face online and it has taken me back. He can't contact me because the probation service have ensured there is a no contact order and he's not allowed within a certain distance of my home.

However, something is really bothering me.

When we were intimate he was so rough with me I would go home in pain and be unable to sit down without wincing. He also hit me with my belt, without my permission, and would squeeze my neck hard and really hurt me.

When I told him to stop it and addressed it he played it off as being BDSM. Hes alot older than me and i was naive. I looked into BDSM and realised that people who do that have safe words and boundaries. He refused to discuss both.

Can you help me process this and tell me whether I was sexually abused or not? If yes, is it too late to report it? I never told anybody about these things, just about the harassment when I asked him to back off.

I managed to put him out of my mind until now but seeing his face has brought it all back and after reading about the marilyn manson stuff it's actually prompted me to wonder whether what he did to me was sexual abuse after all.

I consented to sex but none of the other stuff.

I can't bear the thought of him terrorising another woman and I know for certain he'll be lining up the next one now, if he hasn't already.

Yes, that's abuse. I'm sorry you had to go through that

Could you talk to the police officer you dealt with for the harrassment issue and ask if it can/should be reported officially?

@ZoeTurtle

Yes, that's abuse. I'm sorry you had to go through that

Could you talk to the police officer you dealt with for the harrassment issue and ask if it can/should be reported officially?

Thank you Zoe,

The police weren't actually involved for him to be put in prison for harassing me. I reported him to his probation officer (he was an IPP prisoner who remained on licence the last time he was released) so they were able to recall him on their say so without me having to make an official police report.

I was scared to go to the police in the first place as I knew he'd have it in for me for trying to have him locked up again, and all I really wanted was to be left alone.

He's back online masquerading as some kind of religious do-gooder / good samaritan.

That scares me because what he actually is, is a diagnosed sociopath with BPD. Hes not religious at all. He's really dangerous.

Ugh, he sounds frightening and dangerous. I'm so glad you're away from him.

Presumably he's on probation again - could you talk to the probation officer?

@ZoeTurtle

Ugh, he sounds frightening and dangerous. I'm so glad you're away from him.

Presumably he's on probation again - could you talk to the probation officer?

He's still on probation yes, his P.O contacted me about 6 weeks ago to inform me that the parole board have approved his release and to assure me that the no contact order is in place.

I didn't mention any of this to her as it wasn't in the forefront of my mind. It's like I suppressed it and it took me 1) reading the news on the MM stuff and 2) seeing his face again - for a lightbulb moment to happen.

I could and will consider speaking to his P.O officer but would want to be sure it's something the police can act on, before I do, iykwim.

He'll already have it in for me for having him sent back in the first place

Yes, sexual abuse.

I would definitely get in touch with his probation team, that's what they're there for (and hopefully you will have good experiences - I found the probation team I had dealings with were very helpful and professional). It sounds as though they've been good so far, with the non-contact order and exclusion zone round your house. He sounds a bloody scary so and so.

Very scary to see him re-inventing himself, but remember that this is not your responsibility. It would be nice if your information could help his probation team to keep other women safe, but you don't have to do it, and if he does go on to harm other women, this is entirely on him. First and foremost look after yourself and keep yourself safe. and

@CaraDuneRedux

Yes, sexual abuse.

I would definitely get in touch with his probation team, that's what they're there for (and hopefully you will have good experiences - I found the probation team I had dealings with were very helpful and professional). It sounds as though they've been good so far, with the non-contact order and exclusion zone round your house. He sounds a bloody scary so and so.

Very scary to see him re-inventing himself, but remember that this is not your responsibility. It would be nice if your information could help his probation team to keep other women safe, but you don't have to do it, and if he does go on to harm other women, this is entirely on him. First and foremost look after yourself and keep yourself safe. and

Thank you so much.

I'm going to give it some serious thought and will consider contacting his probation officer.

He has/had restraining orders against him from at least two other women and they're just the ones I know about.

He had to declare his relationship with me to the probation service when we met as due to his history it was part of his licence conditions.

By the time they contacted me I was already in the process of getting rid of him but once they knew what was going on they were brilliant.

When I was talking about him on MN in 2019 I was asking for advice with regards to a 'behaviour contract' he wanted me to sign which included things like not looking at other men when I'm out with him and then sexual things.

A handful of MNers thought I was a troll because of that 50 shades of gray film, which is probably where he got the idea from in the first place looking back.

He had an online presence and has friends who also do, so when he was in prison he was using those friends platform, via them, to campaign for his release.

Awful, awful man.

It is abuse. Physical & sexual violence. Seek counselling and contact the probation officer & police.

Yes it’s abuse but honestly, you won’t get a conviction out of it. You would be putting yourself through a whole ordeal if you reported it.
Maybe try and focus on healing and moving on positively, knowing he has been punished for harassing you and is not allowed to contact you.

I am a Probation Officer, glad you are getting a good service! Just a couple of things to highlight here.

1- We can only act on things we KNOW about. So, in respect of this guy presenting as some reinvention of himself online, that would be info I would DEF want to have.

2- @LochJessMonster, I don’t agree with your post. If a new and separate criminal allegation is made to the Police, there is every chance it will progress as any other crime would, potentially leading to charge and conviction.

When I told him to stop it and addressed it he played it off as being BDSM. Hes alot older than me and i was naive. I looked into BDSM and realised that people who do that have safe words and boundaries. He refused to discuss both.

I remember hearing that two willing people is a boxing match, one willing person is assault. This is exactly the same. You were not willing so it was sexual assault.

Gosh, I think I'd probably steer well clear. Do you really want him to focus on you again? He knows where you live, after all. In your situation, I'd buy a pair of mens size 12 boots, muddy them up a bit, and leave them on your door step, just in case this nut job comes to your door. There might be a no contact order, but this can't physically protect you, if he decides to come to your door at 3am, seeking some revenge. He sounds really dangerous and I would not want to do anything make him look in my direction again.

@BananaPop2020

I am a Probation Officer, glad you are getting a good service! Just a couple of things to highlight here.

1- We can only act on things we KNOW about. So, in respect of this guy presenting as some reinvention of himself online, that would be info I would DEF want to have.

2- @LochJessMonster, I don’t agree with your post. If a new and separate criminal allegation is made to the Police, there is every chance it will progress as any other crime would, potentially leading to charge and conviction.

Have to disagree. Women have been killed during sex and it’s not secured a successful prosecution.

The OP says she willingly agreed to sex. Sadly he will then claim she agreed to the ‘rough sex’ stuff. With no evidence, this will not make it to court.

Just being realistic.

@LochJessMonster, yes, I do see your point, but I am obviously going to be in support of this sort of thing being dealt with officially.

This would give it it both ‘weight‘ and ‘formal’ status if nothing else, and allow me to take definitive action in a case like this.

Don’t do the boot thing, that would just encourage someone like this.

I agree with both of you realistically a conviction is unlikely based on he said/she said. However, if these things are recorded the information can be used to coroberate (can’t spell) any further incidents that may occur to other women and build a character reference.

I once reported a rape and while unfortunately the evidence was lost the details I was able to give may help someone else in the future. It all depends I suppose on how safe op feels to speak.

I agree with Imworthit and PP

Conviction and meaningful punishment is rare, and reporting is a painful ordeal in itself, however every report is a piece of the overall picture and may help other women.

Or at least form evidence of how badly men and the courts have let us down. Again. At some point in history the currently unrelenting war on women will be studied and I refuse to let any one of us be dumped in literal or metaphorical septic tanks or unmarked graves.

Your safety is paramount OP, so take that first. If you feel you can, letting the PO know about his online activity, or reporting his abuse of you, might help others too.

Whatever you are able to do please get some advice on anything you can do to add to your personal safety. You deserve to feel safe.

And thank you for helping us all by your original report to the PO, that was brave of you and I appreciate you looking out for your fellow women even when you were distressed and in danger yourself - that took guts and a big heart.