DH and I are always in the same room

[hunkydorythefish]

DH and I are never ever in a room separately for more than 5 minutes in our house. It has always been this way. If we are both in the house, we will always be in the same room. If I want to cook but he doesn't, we go to the kitchen together etc.

Alone time is bathroom and work. I never minded this, it was just natural. There's no control element.

However, DH is a teacher and is at home several days a week now. I miss my space...I never realised how bad we were until I've just realised I wait until he's not home to have a long soak in the bath, I don't know why?

We work in the same room at home, we get lunch at the same time, we move into the living room at the same times and we go up to bed at the same time, we brush our teeth together and we fall asleep together. It's sickening.

How do I stop? it feels unnatural to not do it but I am becoming so very aware of the need for more space. I'm sure DH is too. He occasionally says he wants space and it lasts 5 minutes before he's back in the same room.

Anyone else!!!???

@dane8

Hey wait till you retire!!!

My husband and I are both retired and manage not to be in each other's pockets every day. It's not inevitable.

I’d hate that. Is he following you around like a puppy dog? You say you don’t like it so I don’t see why it is this way. You definitely should go to the bedroom. Alone. Tell him to leave you. Alone.

Woah woah woah woah woah. So if you have to wait for him to be out of the house for you to have a bath in peace, that means that if you were to have a bath when he was at home, he would.... just.... sit there? In the bathroom? With you? Where does he sit? What does he talk about? Or does he just watch you in silence?

My husband and I are like this, but we both like it that way. Only time alone is when one is in the toilet. We even chat to each other when one is in the shower or bath. Only difference is we have never been in lockdown and working from home, so that might change things. He had a period of working from home, but I'm in a job that can't be done at home. I would like MORE time with him to be honest, but it's always just been the two of us, no kids.

I may be misreading your post, but it sounds to me like you are both choosing to live like this, that it’s not him following you about, it’s both of you wanting to go from room to room together. Except now it feels a bit much.

After dinner, if you said, “I’m going to go up to bed early and read my book”, would he come too? Or why not do as you have almost suggested, and have a bath in the evening?

My mum and dad are retired, they start the day together, take a walk, then lunch but after lunch my mum disappears upstairs whilst my dad has a sport fest on Sky. They reconvene for dinner and will separate again until approx 9pm where they will find a drama or series to watch. My dad also has an allotment and my mum goes to town (pre covid) . Its a routine you could set your watch by but its a good one. Lots of personal space.

That's so alien to me Id hate that.

Ugh no. I could not live like this. Currently I escape upstairs to 'tidy' hoping everyone will leave me the fuck alone for atleast half an hour but within ten minutes I have the dc come trailing after me. They're kids but if DH did that he'd be under the patio.

This would be my idea of hell, OP! I love my DP but we both need our own space and regularly sit in different rooms to read/watch telly/listen to music, but reconvene for our evening meal and to watch a bit of telly together before bed (and I always go up first). Don't you feel hemmed in and claustrophobic?? I think you need to talk to him about it and work out a way to carve out some alone time that you're both happy with.

That would drive me crazy!
You need to sit down and discuss it and agree time apart. It will feel forced at first and you'll likely find yourselves going back to square one a few times but the more you carve out time for yourselves the easier it will be.

Maybe start by taking your daily walks (assuming you do or could start doing them ) at staggered times.

That would drive me mad. Surely if he's a teacher he's doing online or live teaching? We're both teachers so have all our holidays together. That's plenty for me. Thankfully we're both needed in school at the moment so just have one day where we're both working from home. I sit upstairs to teach that day.

DH retired and me semi-retired. We have an early walk together in the morning and then do our own thing until dinner, after dinner we split again until we go to bed. We spend Saturday evenings together (date night). Been doing this for 30+ years - we get on very well.

I have a friend who lives in a mansion and has to have a bath to get away from her DH.

@GoodnightKevin

Woah woah woah woah woah. So if you have to wait for him to be out of the house for you to have a bath in peace, that means that if you were to have a bath when he was at home, he would.... just.... sit there? In the bathroom? With you? Where does he sit? What does he talk about? Or does he just watch you in silence?

didn't mean to disappear.

No it's not him, it's that we seem incapable of doing an activity without eachother.

Say he was going to get his tyres done, he would say 'do you want to come?' and I would. I don't know why, I just do. It's like we are so used to it we can't stop ourselves.
I purposefully have baths/solo activities for when he's out so we are back together when he's home. I don't know why.

Neither of us realised we did it until recently.

I enjoy spending time with my DH, but good grief, your life sounds suffocating! You even go with him when he's putting air in his tyres??! It is just a habit, though. Neither of you sounds controlling, so surely you can just say 'I need a bit of time to myself, are you OK with that?'. (The last few words aren't really asking permission, just softening the blow.)

I guess it is part of the lcokdown problem. Usually you are both at work 8-10hrs a day so value the time in the house together... currently however you are together 24hrs a day so it is starting to grate a bit?
My dh (of 15yrs+) can get obsessive about 'doing things together' at the weekends - normally he is out 10hrs+ each working day. The novelty however has worn off since he's been stuck in the spare room since March....

I think you just say. I'd like some alone time, how about you go in the lounge?

Dh works alone all day (at his business premises, so not wfh), so he doesn't talk to anyone all day. Whereas I wfh currently, but have several meetings a day and regular email contact with colleagues, plus also have eldest dc homeschooling. I just want to be alone. He wants to chat as he hasn't talked to anyone all day. He has a tendency to hang around while I'm trying to cook dinner. It's my only time for headspace every day. I have to give him the look and he knows it means he needs to find himself another room. We all sit down at the table for dinner and he can talk to me in the evening if we aren't both busy. But he knows now that I require that quiet and space, and that's that.

We're exactly the same, always have been for the 9 years we've been together. These days I pop out for a 30 min walk after work or jump on the bike. I quite like it

I think it's quite sweet, DH and I were a bit like this pre kids. No clinginess, no control, we just like each other. The difference of course is that we weren't wfh so we got a bit of space at work - in offices two minutes apart, that we walked to and from together.

Do you have space to work in different rooms, even with one of you at the kitchen table? That would give you a bit of time away.

And yes, go for that bath.

I don’t know why you can’t stop it. But it’s quite simple.

He goes for lunch, you have yours later when he’s finished. You tell him you’re going to bed early as you want some quiet time to read. He is going out uou say no, I will stay thanks.

Oh God no. That’s awful!
DH and I have separate bedrooms, go to bed separately most nights, work from home in separate rooms.
We eat lunch and supper together usually and watch TV together for a couple of hours in the evening but that’s it. Then obviously we do family things together at weekends etc (limited to walks atm).

I’d feel suffocated living like you @hunkydorythefish

This would drive me absolutely nuts. What about in normal times, do you have no separate interests?

I'd honestly resent this.

Is there anyway you can work in different rooms? Then you might be happier meeting at lunch? Otherwise go for a walk on your lunch?

Or in the evening head up for an early bath and then chill out in bed. If he joins you just say you were enjoying some time alone.

If you're ok with this, what's the harm?

Personally I would hate this, but we're all different. I love to go upstairs and read in our bedroom while my DH and DC are downstairs. I also go for a walk by myself every evening just to get a bit of time alone.

Relocate one of your desks

Go to bed at different times

Go out alone to walk/exercise and get some fresh air

Now you have both realised and it has started bothering you, you just have to plan and force yourself to do stuff separately and eventually doing things alone won't feel odd anymore. With lockdown it is harder though because it limits you to doing things with him or on your own as you can't see other people the same. Are you ok spending time on your own?
Pre lockdown, did you socialise separately?
My DH seems to get bored sometimes and come to find me, I am quite blunt and say "are you at a loose end? Is it half time or something?" We do of course spend a lot time together too but I will take myself off to do something else for long periods. I might not be able to go anywhere and activities are limited but I still want a life of my own.