Help to go through this tomorrow without a breakdown

[justoffshift]

AIBU to ask for help with getting through a meeting tomorrow morning?

Meeting in question is a TAF (team around the family), for my 3yo who is very delayed in speech and toilet training as well as some difficult behaviours. This is the second meeting, interspersed with SALT, and other SENCO/HV/therapy meetings over the last 5 weeks.
I'm working, albeit part time in the NHS (so more like full time) and trying to manage everything with my DS as well as his older sibling and house related things (recently moved into a house which isn't quite renovated). Last TAF meeting I had a breakdown midway which the professionals seemed completely stunned by, things were that bad. I'm still feeling on edge about it all.

TLDR- aibu to ask how to get through a challenging emotional meeting without a breakdown making me look silly!

I doubt that the team were shocked. It happens all the time. You know what the discussion will be as they will go through the actions on the minutes of the last TAF - so discuss progress - and then consider next steps.
Think about what you want to say or ask and write it down beforehand. Is the meeting remote?

Ah op. It’s no wonder you broke down. You must be shattered and sitting through a meeting like that is no doubt very stressful.

I hate to say it, maybe it’s a good thing you broke down in terms of others being able to see how clearly stressed/upset you are.

Is it the meeting itself that upset you or something specific being discussed.

Is there someone who can be with you to support you?

DH is at work (NHS as well) but I have asked him to book a meeting room so I can and remote access into the meeting with him. Not sure if it will be possible though.

Just the general doom and gloom of the situation I think. He makes our life so painful and difficult that I just dread spending time with him for the most part.

Unmumsnet hugs. I was like this with first and second - both same sort of issues. You do develop a thick skin and coping strategies. I'm 12 plus years in and Iv just completed another parenting course as I was loosing the plot slightly again.

Its also reaching an acceptance that they are the own person and comparing to a neurotypical child just makes everyone feel bad. Its huge your getting multidisciplinary support, so many people are just left to it.

Getting your dc in the right special nursery/school can make a massive difference. It did for us.

Having a person to offload to before can help too before these meetings. I had amazing hv with my first two children who phoned me for a chat so I could off load. Just verbalising helped. Online sn forums on fb etc can be very supportive too

Op are you in touch with any disability/SEND groups or organisations? I wonder if a advocate would help? Someone independent to talk things through with you and attend meetings with you? Or maybe a friend who could attend for support?

If the team really were stunned then they’re a pretty shit team! If you get upset, you get upset and they’ll just have to listen to you and offer support. Trust me, it’s not just you, I’ve done my fair share of listening and supporting during this pandemic in particular and I’m just glad I can be of service!

An early support referral was put in, November time. We started SALT etc in the first week of Jan so yes I think we've been lucky.

I'm massively struggling with the slow progress

@LadyCatStark I think they were more stunned that I had an emotional breakdown, coming from someone who didn't even cry at their mums funeral, I was surprised too

I am a teacher and when l mention to parents that their child may be struggling a bit the mom s ALWAYS cry. We all want the best for our children. Sounds like your child has more than that to contend with so no wonder you cried. If they were wierd about that they are in the wrong job. You may not cry tomorrow as you are prepared but if you do make no apologies.

I find it useful to have a huge cathartic full on snot fest cry in the shower, prior to the meeting. So I am essentially getting it all out.

That and have some notes that you have to hand to make sure you say what you want to say.

I thought you meant you had a mental health crisis. Do you mean you cried? Nothing wrong with letting your emotions out at such a time. You won't be the first or the last.

Op, it sounds like you’re really stressed.

1. Write things down (that you think will help ds/you or that have occurred.)
2. Get support for you, either before meeting to offload or during meeting
3. If your ds has additional needs, you are on a long journey, it’s a marathon not a sprint
4. What’s stressing you? Can you write them down? Is it the behaviours? Lack of sleep? Worries about future for ds? Cv19?Money/job/relationship worries? All or none of above? What support is there for you? What would help?

Are you feeling blame / responsibility for ds issues?

It sounds like lots of professionals are involved to support you and family.

I hope it goes well

It does sound like helping your stress will make the meeting easier for you to concentrate on ds.

My ds is older but has Sen, I find it hugely supportive chatting to other mums with Sen kids. 💐💐

Well I cried for a sustained amount of time, sort of crying where it's just impossible to even speak. Had to call a couple of friends after which is unusual as well for me.

I do have an insta mum friend who has a child with autism, although is much more high needs than my child. My DS sleeps fine, eats a diet that isn't as balanced as I would like but does eat different textures, fruit veg proteins and carbs. Some pros.

We went to look around a speech and language unit for my ds when he was starting school. I walked into the room and cried the whole time i was there. We have all been there so im sure the professionals are well used to it. My son has diagnosis of DLD. Hes thriving and back in mainstream. I wouldnt of believed you if you told me that 4 years ago

I’m a primary teacher and SENCO and hold TAFs. I always have tissues ready (when we meet face to face, as opposed to zoom/teams at the moment) and reassure parents, it’s pretty common for them to cry and totally normal. I wouldn’t judge at all.

How did it go op?