Miscarriage

[Nonname]

I have been on this site before under a different username. I had a miscarraige 7 weeks. I know it's early but I bled for 25 days very very heavily. I had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years so this was a sweet painful surprise. I'm 38 to be 39 in the next couple of months.
My husband didn't really stay with me throughout the time. I was waiting for confirmation from the EPU. They said I came up as negative on the urine test so gave blood and had to go back to give another sample 2 days later. Turned out it was a miscarraige so I waited from monday until Thursday as I didnt get an appointment until Tuesday to find out. Throughout this time my husband went to work, which is fine. But on the day it was co formed I rang him to tell him. He came over gave me a hug and went back to work. He asked me if he should stay. I said no. But I'm so stunned that he felt he needed to ask me. I was all alone. He works for his own bussin3ss so he is is his own boss

Am I unreasonable to have expected him to have the decency of staying at home? He says he asked me and I said no I'm fine. I laid there all night alone. He comes home at 11 pm.
I'm angry that I had no one...not even my husband. But I feel I'm overreacting, if I wanted him I should told him to stay but im confused that I shouldn't have asked him

He says he is stupid at reading emotions...but he is not as his bussiness partner goes onto to work on the bussiness and as soon as he finds out he goes to help him saying ' he's alone' I'll go help him. We are moving and I packed up everything alone a few days after the miscarraige and he didn't think i was alone. Or he didnt think his wife has had a miscarriage and i should go she is alone.
I guess this is more a rant than anything else.

I am very sorry for your loss. However, also sorry for your husband who can't do right for doing wrong. He asked you if you wanted him to stay, and you said 'no'. If you had said Yes, he would have stayed with you. Men are useless are reading between the lines, and often take what is said at face value.

I don't know really, it's a very personal thing. My DH went to work during my miscarriages but wouldn't have went on nights out or anything, obviously your DH hasn't done that either.
Packing up the house on your own is a bit though, he shouldn't have left you to do all that on your own miscarriage or not.
I think you should talk to him really, I imagine he will say something along the lines of, he did ask and you said to go to work, and what could he have done at home anyway...no one else can take the pain away.
Maybe counselling will be useful to help you work through your feelings about the miscarriage - you can do it over the phone or online at the moment.
Sorry for your loss

I know. That's why I wanted someone else's opinion as maybe I am just not thinking right. I think my response to him was no I'm fine was in a surprise that he even bothered asking if he should. But you're right...I think men want a black or white answer. Anything in between is not workable. Thank you for your replies

You say he shouldn't have had to ask. You shouldn't have stayed quiet if you wanted him to stay. He isn't a mind reader.
Sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with it differently.
I passed an intact 8 week feotus at a customers home alone. Dh rang and asked did I want him there. I didn't. Being alone was my preference.
Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. That sounds very painful. You're a brave woman.

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage

I don't think it's necessarily about men wanting a black or white answer. He asked you whether you wanted him to stay and you said no. It was fair of him to respect that.

I think you should talk to him, and explain how you felt in a non judgement way so that in future he can support you how you want to be supported.

My reason for staying quiet is he has always called me a burden and being needy. I often complain he doesnt spend much time with me. I guess me asking him to stay would further reinforced his idea that I'm needy. P.s he calls me needy when I'm discussing something with him and he is on his phone not listening. I was talking to him about my appointment at the EPU and what happened and he was again on his phone. He is never usually around when I need him. So I always assume maybe it's just not that important for him to have to pay attention. I just thought this was important. My reponse wasn't no dont come it's ok. It was a no I'm fine, as stroppy and shocked as I could sound. His brother had COVID and we decided we would pack food up. I cooked and he stayed until i cooked so he could take it....no one asked him to do that. He just did it. I just feel i am always alone. We move to our flat i did that alone the unpacking. We are moving out i did that alone. He never seems to think...maybe i should take he initiative and help her...shes always doing stuff alone.

But I am also looking at it now from a different perspective of I was wrong to have not asked him and expected him to stay inspite of saying no.

Some people want to be alone when they're grieving so I think this is what he was actually asking you and you said yes to being alone.

I wouldn't be mad at him for respecting what you had told him.

I also think if you were one of those people who prefers grieving alone and your husband had stayed then he'd have also been in the wrong.

I am very sorry for your loss. Grief prevents us from communicating effectively. But please don't be mad at him if he was literally just respecting your word

If this is part of you not feeling supported in general then maybe couples counselling would be helpful

You're right. He is quite straightforward. I should have been clear. Thank you guys I wanted to get it off my chest. Can I ask anyone if a miscarraige can make you a bit...out of sorts? I'm not sure if its miscarraige or the fact I bleed like bucket s full for almost 24 25 days. I just cant get my head straight