Does anyone else get extreme panic and distress at work?

[DitheringDillie]

This is ruining my earning potential and my self esteem.

I'm not working at the min and just don't see how to overcome it, on a bad day. Felt so hopeless and despairing last night, reliving the complete visceral panic and sick feeling of getting something wrong at work, which always happens. It's like drowning in shame and humiliation that they have 'seen' my terrible secret that I'm shite at everything and there's something wrong with me. It makes me nauseated and my mind sort of freezes over in paralysis, I can't think properly then, which 'proves' I'm stupid and I end up leaving the job.

I do so well in job interviews (on the whole) and then mess up. I went back to university for a Masters degree in an attempt to boost my confidence and feel legitimised, to prove something to myself, but here I am still struggling.

It's not just the workplace either - gradually it has expanded so I'm afraid to try new training in my personal interests. The same overwhelming panic sets in thinking holy fuck I'm making a terrible mess over this and they're going to realise how fucking irredeemably stupid I am.

I also love writing, but I freeze over and can't write now because this scornful voice in my head just mocks me and says there's no point as who would want to read anything I have written?

Something awful seems to have happened now where the moment I get an idea (about anything, basically) I immediately feel it must be wrong, because it is originating in my brain.

Don't know what to do. My DP thinks I should get therapy, what might be the best kind to deal with this?

Has anyone had similar experiences?

Sounds like simple perfectionism / fear of failure. You haven't done anything wrong and yes the overwhelming emotions and thoughts are part of it. You can train yourself out of it. Top things that helped me. Books: Power of now; Finding your north star by Martha Beck. I joined MBTI and enneagram discussion groups online, took free tests to identify the types and joined the discussions on common problems related to those types, including perfectionism/fear of failure as you describe.

You're not alone in this, it is super common and you can totally overcome it.

Thanks, MerryDecembermass. Yes fear of failure is definitely part of it for me but the thing is I do also get stuff wrong, so I think there is something really wrong with me now. Bosses always have the awkward conversation where they point out I'm not getting through the work as quickly as I should be, for example. I have no faith in my own ability anymore so even drafting a simple email takes a long time for example. I'll have to read it at least five times checking everything, hesitate wondering if I've got the tone right, still freak out as I send it. It's exhausting. I can't sustain it so the job never works out.

Sometimes I wonder if it's become an almost OCD-like form of anxiety? I can't seem to break the spiral of thoughts and can't get away from the thoughts.

I'm going to look up those books thank you! How are you doing now, do you feel better?

Have you heard of something called Imposter Syndrome?

Yes, but I though imposter syndrome was for people who were actually doing well or at least doing ok?

I'm not. Before I went back to uni I freelanced and was always great at getting the gig, then it would end badly.