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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm more than what I do for others?

14 replies

Madmaxx14 · 02/02/2021 11:27

Disclaimer lighthearted ish

DH told me 4/5 reasons why he loved me in the bath last night. All of them involved me doing something for him. I feel I'm more than what I do for him and others but couldn't explain this properly to him. I may be the unreasonable one here, as my examples of love for not doing something included (sloppy gushy shit right now) the look in his eyes when he looks at me, that he loves adventures ect.

He believes the thoughtful things we do for one another are why we love one another, I believe I am more than what I do and would like to be loved for being me. DH doesn't understand this and says what I do makes me me iyswhm.

Does anyone understand what I'm trying to say or are we all just made up of what we do for others?

YANBU for more than what we do
YABU loved for what we do

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 02/02/2021 11:31

Yes, I get you, like being admired for aspects of yourself as an 'independent actor' in the world, rather than for a supporting role or worse an ornament or appliance.

Original poster
Madmaxx14 · 02/02/2021 11:46

@ScrapThatThen - I like that analogy. I don't want to be loved as a supporting actor to his main role. I'm an individual with more to offer than what I do for him.

OP posts:
Polecat03 · 02/02/2021 11:57

I know where you are coming from OP. If my husband asked me, I would also cite his attributes like sense of humour, intelligence, his kindness. Not just his occasional acts of service. Someone will mention love languages here though, perhaps his is very strongly acts of service.

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 02/02/2021 12:06

People approach the same thing in different ways. My first reaction to reading your line "the look in his eyes when he looks at me" was that you love the way it makes you feel when you see that look in his eyes... so in effect, he is doing something for you, albeit unconsciously.

Or put another way, both of you are right.

Al77 · 02/02/2021 13:32

Totally get what you are saying. It's cheesy but the five love languages describe how we receive love from others and people often have a strong preference for one or two and usually try and give love in their preferred languages.
1/Gifts
2/Quality time
3/Verbal affirmations or words of love
4/ Physical touch
5/Acts of service.

Sounds like 5 is a higher priority for your DH and 3 is a low priority and he has a blindspot for his own preferences. I can see how if he is only affirming the things you do for him that make him feel loved, it would come across as a bit selfish and you could feel a bit used. But he does have a look in his eyes when he looks at you and you were in the bath together ....so now I'm thinking darn it , my OH never stares doe eyed at me across a bubblebath

Al77 · 02/02/2021 13:35

@Polecat03 Well predicted :) I read comments after posting.

thevassal · 02/02/2021 16:22

yes, it's the difference between saying "I love you because you're so caring ( a positive personality attribute)" and "I love you because you wash my clothes for me" (an action which in itself doesn't denote any specific emotion or affection, and could be performed by anyone - cleaner, launderer, housekeeper!)

I don't think it would be a problem for me if that was one example of why he loved me (as per the love language explanation above)....but yeah would be pissed off if he couldn't think of anything at all about how you look, what you like, or what you do, that he liked, and could only think in terms of how much easier you make his life!

It sort of ignores you as an autonomous person with your own interests, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses and instead just views you as a vessel in terms of what you can do to help him.

Royalbloo · 02/02/2021 16:26

Do you know about love languages? Have a look - it may just be that these are the things that make him feel loved - it doesn't mean that's the sum total of your worth!

Royalbloo · 02/02/2021 16:27

Love languages - BINGO!

RainbowFlowers · 02/02/2021 16:28

People have different love languages though.

There's a book on it called 5 love languages. I haven't read it do can't recommend it. But I like the concept.

Theres an argument that's says its unfair to expect to be loved in the same way that you love.

OiAlexaShutUp · 02/02/2021 16:30

Like others have said, you both love different things and that's OK. At least he could come up with some things he loves about you........

TwilightSkies · 02/02/2021 16:51

I get exactly what you mean OP.
Does he love YOU or does he love what you DO for him.
My exes only ever loved the things I did for them, and not me as a person. Hence why I got fed up and left them.

The guy I’m seeing now loves me for me and I continually reflect on how valued I feel as a person, as I’m determined to break old relationship behaviour patterns.

Gubanc · 02/02/2021 17:18

I was going to say 'love languages' as well. I was sceptical when I heard about this at it feels 'wrong' when someone expresses their feelings differently from you/me. My husband likes to buy things to people, which to me feels like an easy solution. But I'm also a do-er. I had a boyfriend who was very touchy-feely, he used to annoy the crap out of me.

Original poster
Madmaxx14 · 02/02/2021 17:51

We went through the love language quiz when we were dating and his was quality time.

He is a very thoughtful man, he does a lot of thoughtful things for me and can get slightly resentful if they're not acknowledged. I agree that his love language is acts of service along with quality time which didn't come out in his quiz answers.

@TwilightSkies - this is how I feel. I could say things I love about him regardless of what he does for me.

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