Does everybody judge themselves harshly?

[Awkwardteeth]

I re-play conversations over and over.
I dissect my social interactions.

I find so many examples of when I almost certainly unintentionally come across as insensitive, or cheeky, or crass, or flippant, or uncaring, or bitchy... and so on.

I have convinced myself that other people can’t possibly genuinely like me because of all the idiotic things I have said or done.

I see if I can think of any examples of things others have said or done that are similar, but I can’t think of a single thing. Other people seem to be nice all the time and never say stupid stuff or do stupid things?

So I don’t know whether I am genuinely a terrible person and/or a social catastrophe, or whether actually everybody has things come out the wrong way sometimes or says dumb things, but I just don’t notice it at the time so have no memory of it?

Does everybody do this? Does everybody kick themselves for stuff?

To give an idea what I’m talking about, today I am dwelling on:

I sent an email to colleagues with a new idea but now I wonder if it will be seen as implied criticism of the status quo and my manager will be offended.

Last year I was telling my manager about a meeting I’d had and I criticised the behaviour of a colleague and blamed her for why something hadn’t gone well. I hadn’t realised that my manager also line manages this colleague (although I would have been expected to know- it was just ignorance on my part) so I probably came across as such a cow. No ramifications for my colleague, it wasn’t anything major, but I probably came across as such a backstabby dick.

And there was the time when I was upset in the office last year and so I avoided eye contact with anybody in case I cried, but I think I probably came across as standoffish.

I torture myself with this stuff, and there is LOADS of it. I genuinely don’t know if I am a likeable person any more.

I often feel this way too like everything I do or say it's stupid or selfish. I always worry that I talk too much about myself and come across as a self indulgent person.

But I know I also have really low self esteem and anxiety so wonder if I am just being harsh on myself. I think it's so much easier to criticise ourselves than to think we are doing ok.

What you’re describing is common, but not everyone does it.

I just don’t feel that engaged with the world to bother worrying about that kind of stuff.

I'm pretty sure this is normal for many people. I certainly do it, though I notice I do it more when I have PMT or I'm stressed.

I don't especially. I'm aware of my faults (talk too much, bad listener, not very dynamic). I used to dwell a bit on things I'd said or interactions I've had but I've learned that honestly, no one bloody remembers these things or even thinks about them except you.

I don't feel lots of mum guilt that sometimes it seems like you're 'supposed to' have as a parent, I'm a good enough parent , I was happy to go to work and have them go to nursery when they were babies and toddler and felt confident I was doing the right thing. Breastfeeding didn't work out with DD, but I didn't beat myself up about it and was just glad we both seemed happier with the bottle.

I do this all the time. I still replay stupid shit I said years ago.

I do this, for a good four days every month. Then it’s like a dam breaks (about 4 days before my period) and my thoughts are restored to regular thinking and not dissecting. I am also very bleak / depressed for these days.

I used to hate if offsites or work trips coincided with those days. Being around people is living hell as I have the dialogue running in real time.

Logically I know it’s hormonal. And I try to avoid having any run ins or getting really worked about stuff that I know I will simply not fathom in a few days. Doesn’t always work but I try.

God I sound like a lunatic now that it’s written down.

Any chance you were raised catholic? Jk...

In all seriousness have you considered you Might you have adhd? But also maybe not. If you’re constantly examining every interaction under a magnifying glass then they will always seem bigger than they are. And then it’s a cycle of making yourself feel worse. Try to break the patterns of negative dwelling. Cbt is helpful for this.

I do this st some level all day every day. About three years ago it was very bad and it was suggested I had anxiety and depression. I had a very cold upbringing with constant criticism of my physical appearance and I struggle to engage properly with people. I don't understand why people might like me or make an effort to talk to me. When they list my good points I think they must be talking about someone else. I have eye-contact issues too. I hate looking straight at people. I often have a tape-recording of all my social interactions in my head and play them over and over whilst deeply regretting all the things I think went wrong. I've had cognitive behavioural therapy (useless for me) group therapy and 121 counselling. Day to day I do mindfulness, write a journal of feelings, and I try and keep in touch with those who want to know me. I am ok now, but I've had spells where, if I let it, would spiral out of control again.

I do this, for a good four days every month. Then it’s like a dam breaks (about 4 days before my period) and my thoughts are restored to regular thinking and not dissecting. I am also very bleak / depressed for these days.

Me too. I'm horrendous during those days, worrying about the stupidest of things and have some very dark thoughts at times. Now I'm older and have realised the link to hormones/period, I can console myself just about by telling myself that it will be over soon. It doesn't really help stop my thoughts but I think it calms me slightly.

Most of the rest of the time, I'm just not that bothered. I have my moments where I say something stupid and feel a bit dumb maybe, or I have a specific thing to worry about, but I generally brush things off easily and I don't really dwell on things. If I was the way I am before my period starts all of the time, I don't think I'd cope well with life at all.

Sounds like social anxiety. I'm the same, although I think I'm getting slightly better with age.

Any chance you were raised catholic?

I actually was so perhaps that's the root!

Oh my this is my thread 😕 Earlier today I was thinking if there was one thing I was able to change about myself being self assured would be top of the list.

No not every one does this.

But I think it’s really common.

I rarely replay or overthink things. It doesn’t mean I don’t care or don’t make mistakes with things but I don’t torture myself over it.

Here’s something to think about.

You can choose your thoughts. You can let them
Come in, have a look at them and then let them pass.

They are just thoughts. They are just images in your head. They don’t reflect reality because you cannot know how other people feel, you cannot control what other people think and even if they tell you what they think - it doesn’t mean that their opinion is the truth.
We are all experiencing our own version of reality, made up entirely in our own heads.

You are attaching feelings and emotions to thoughts which aren’t reality.

When you being to accept that you can acknowledge a feeling or a thought without having to invite it in for a cup of tea you really will find freedom from anxiety and rumination.

I’d start with some mindfulness and meditation.
Also look up the Inside Out method. It’s a game changer.

I used to when I was younger, now I don't. If I fuck up, I apologise and move on, and if other people are still bothered, there's not much I can do about it.

Other people truly don't think about us that much

I’m sorry lots of others feel the same. But at the same time it’s good not to feel alone in this.
I hadn’t considered it might be hormonal- it does tend to come and for me so I will have to keep track and see if it is related.

It’s such a vicious circle because when you think everyone hates you it makes you more nervous around them and then the things you do get weirder

I think lockdown has made it worse too. Far too much time sotting amd thinking and long gaps between seeing / speaking to people leave me wondering if things are okay and unable to compensate by being extra smiley or nice in some way.

Yep, and I'm a convent educated ADD sufferer!

I do. I was almost asleep last night when an email I had sent to SMT earlier in the day came into my head and that was it, two hours lying there thinking how much they must despise me and what a waste of oxygen I am.

Has anyone found anything that's helped them? Apparently putting aside a worry time is meant to help so when you come across unwelcome thoughts then you say to yourself I will think, explore and worry about this at specific chosen time. Also spot, stop and swap the thought is a strategy I would like to try and put into practice more.

I used to be like this, but then somebody asked me how many times I can remember anyone else ‘fucking up’ in social situations the same way. I couldn’t, still can’t, come up with any. It’s certainly not because nobody else ever does it, it’s because it’s never as bad for the other person as it feels for you. You replay it over and over and analyse it, meanwhile the other person has completely forgotten and has moved on.

That really helped me get some perspective. If I realise I’ve been insensitive or crossed the line from humorous to dickhead, I apologise at the time and then chuck it in the fuck bucket. Try not to let the anxiety get to you too much, OP. It’s almost never as bad as you think.

Yes. Everything I say or do is utterly stupid, eventually, once I've had enough time to replay it all in my mind.

Over time I've made myself smaller and less me, so I don't have to live with the shame I feel after being myself.

It's tiring isn't it.

Oh knobbly wand I really feel for you, I think I've done the same too..

Feel for everyone on here in the same boat, it's really exhausting. Some good advice on here, just wish the voice of reason was able to kick the anxiety away.

I think there are two tendencies that aren't healthy, the first time projects outwards and blames others the moment they experience anything uncomfortable. The second type (and sadly I fell in to this camp) blames themself when they experience conflict or awkwardness.

Low self esteem from childhood. Not my parents fault. Far from it. But my own hyper awareness plus over thinking

@Understandingnotignorance

Has anyone found anything that's helped them? Apparently putting aside a worry time is meant to help so when you come across unwelcome thoughts then you say to yourself I will think, explore and worry about this at specific chosen time. Also spot, stop and swap the thought is a strategy I would like to try and put into practice more.

My first psychotherapist (!) said to me, tell me about a time that somebody said or did one awkward or embarrassing thing that changed your view of them from good to bad.

And i was stumped. I could not think of one single time somebody else had said something foolish, awkward, silly that had made me think badly of them

It made me think. I was kinder to myself after that.

So weird, I was literally thinking exactly the same thing today.
I have said several stupid offensive things over the years either through naivety or a joke gone terribly wrong.
I can remember every single stupid thing.
If it starts flooding back I try to go to bed early as it's often because I'm tired.
Nice to know I'm not alone but sorry others suffer too.