Feeling a bit hopeless and would desperately like any reassurance or advice that anyone can give please. Before I say anything else, I am not in the UK, so any comments re: the NHS and accessing help via that method doesn’t apply here, unfortunately.
My DP and I have been together since 2011 and he has always been a calm individual, able to compartmentalize well and not prone to extremes of emotion, but generally positive with hopes and dreams. Around 2014, I noticed that he started getting irritated more often and was just generally more pessimistic. His mood and outlook have progressively become more depressed over time to the point where I would say he had high-functioning /chronic depression aka dysthymia. He just never seemed excited or sad about anything and never wanted to leave the house if he could help it. In Jan 2019, he started getting panic attacks, tried a couple therapy sessions and then continued as normal but clearly something was brewing since then.
2020 was a particularly bad year as his dad died in March (he did not cry or seem sad at all), his brother was sectioned in a mental hospital in October and he was the lead on a big work project that meant he was working Sunday-Sunday and gone from 5 a.m. – 7 p.m. with no overtime pay. It all came to a head in Dec 2020 and he had what I can only call a breakdown. He stopped wanting to do anything – showering (normally showers 2x a day), working out (he works out 6x a week normally), had no appetite, isolated himself, stopped speaking much to anyone and mentioned that he had suicidal thoughts.
I immediately booked an appointment with a psychiatrist and he has been put on 50mg Pristiq (desvenlafaxine) which is an SNRI and Alprazolam. He is experiencing some scary side effects including a tremor that manifests whenever he becomes anxious or tries to drive, headaches, dizziness and insomnia. But the thing is, it’s been 4 weeks and there have been very few changes. He has a little more energy and his mood has probably gone from a 1/10 to a 3/10 but nothing else has really changed. He still wants to be alone, has no motivation for anything and is still experiencing suicidal ideation.
My question – how long do SNRIs take to really have an effect? Has anyone tried desvenlafaxine and did it work for you? Would an increased dosage or a new drug be better?
His doctor would like to monitor for another 4 weeks before considering changing the dose or switching but is hopeful that he will respond. The thing is, my DP isn’t hopeful at all. I know it’s probably the depression talking but he says this is just who he is and he isn’t optimistic that the medication will change. Now he is saying he doesn’t want kids (was ambivalent previously but was willing to have one), he is pushing me and all his family away, he hates the idea of getting up and working everyday having done it for the past 11 years and thinks that life is pointless if he can’t find a better work/life balance (he is up by 4, leaves home by 5 and is home sometimes after 6. He has a very stressful job in network engineering). To complicate things, 2 of his 3 brothers have bene diagnosed with schizophrenia but the doctor is not concerned that he is manifesting any symptoms of same and at his age (34), it is likely he would have already shown signs.
I am just so sad and stressed and hopeless right now. We were supposed to be getting married this year and have a 3-week European honeymoon planned for next year but he doesn’t care at all about any of that. We have (had?) a great relationship and love spending time together but now we barely speak as he wants to be alone, we don’t really hug or laugh or anything.
WHAT NOW? Is too early to be this worried? Is it likely that another medication might help if this one doesn’t? He is supposed to be starting therapy in a month or so and he has a lot of buried issues from childhood but will that really help?
Any thoughts welcome please. I just need something to hold on to.