He doesn't agree with me and I am lost

[Theendoftheline6]

I'll try keep this as short as I can.

Best part of ten years together. children. Not married. Own a home.

Nothing bad has happened. But I'll give you some facts.

Sex just 5 times max since 2017.
Sleeping in seperate bedrooms
He talks about work all the time. He has no other subjects. If I talk about anything. He will always follow it up with an example from a work situation. I switch off everytime he talks. I don't mean to. I just zone out. I try so hard to listen. But I know I won't understand what he's on about as to understand his job you need to be clued up on stuff that you don't just learn at school.

Loneliness has crept up on me. We've had conversation after conversation about us recently He has had therapy in the past and he is analysing me. Telling me why I feel how I do. What issues we've had. Excuse after excuse. I was anemic for five months last year. I felt rubbish. So he blames that. He had depression in 2019 for a couple of months due to a stressful situation at work.

The worst thing about us is we can not find any balance with our home. We have always chased our tails. His hours at work made me struggle to get the kids into s routine when they were little. It was alot better until coronavirus meant the kids are home full time. But unfortunately the chaos is in full swing. We just can't be positive around eachother. The housework and structure of the day just doesn't work. We waste so many weekends trying to catch up. He was meant to order our son some drawers for all his toys. He's forgotten every day for two weeks now.

I have spoken to him 4 times now. This morning I made us both a coffee and tried again. He's jumping on the you obviously don't find me attractive etc thing. But also his excuses for every issue we have. It's really frustrating because it shouldn't be this hard to be in love and be together.

We've had many happy times over the years. But I don't feel fufilled and no longer feel sexually towards him. It is breaking my heart as he insists he hopes I change my mind. I hope I come back to him. He is patronising me with coronavirus. Lack of seeing friends. Being ill for a few months. But I'm tired of the in a years time it will be different. When the youngest is older it will be easier.

Has anyone ever been in this situation. I'm so torn. I want him to accept we are at least on a break for now. I've asked him to understand that. I have asked him to see is as friends for now and to give me some space. But he isn't.

I feel awful. This is my children's futures. But I can't see any balance anymore and it's beyond solving at the moment.

It sounds like you have been unhappy for a long time. This relationship is broken and you seem to have tried to move it forward but to no avail. If you think it is worth it , then may try counselling together. At least then you 'll know you have give it your best shot at trying to repair it. If not, then I would call time on this relationship as neither of you seem to get anything positive from it. If it doesn't enhance your life then why do it? Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. Move on and be true to yourself.Good luck x

He's putting it all on you. It's all your fault that you feel the way you do, and he just will not recognise that he has any part to play. And unless/until he does, there's really not much of a way out of this.

From what you've written, it sounds like you still love him, but you don't like him. Eventually that will eat away the love too. He's one of those where everything in his life would be perfect - if only you'd stop going on at him. But you have to live your life too.

His work is obviously important to him - is that how he bolsters his self esteem? But it means he's opted out of family life. Won't talk about anything to with you. Won't do things for the kids.

This is one occasion where I'd say don't try to talk with him, talk at him. Tell him straight that you are no longer prepared to live like this, and he either shapes up or ships out. That you've had enough of his excuses and analysing you and taking no responsibility for his family. Tell him exactly why you feel the way you do, and if he doesn't change you're done. And mean it.

He can 'insist' he hopes you change your mind. he can insist all he likes. it's not up to him.

PS And tell him that He's jumping on the you obviously don't find me attractive etc thing. - that no you don't. But attraction is about much more than physical traits. Tell him you still wouldn't find him attractive even if he looked like George Clooney (other heartthrobs are available).

The only way I can explain is the thought of snogging him or having sex with him makes me feel so uncomfortable. I can see the lovely man I had my kids with. The happy times. But the people we've become as parents makes me cringe.

His sister gets alot of support from his parents and they don't help us for that reason. So we've had very little time to go out. Because our house is always all over we can't look into babysitters. It's cleaned and tidied but it gets in a mess because of the fact we don't routine well together.

I can see that my little girl is noticing the atmosphere. She knows I'm sad sometimes and overwhelmed.

He's told me in clearly giving up on us and I'm prepared to throw it all away. He's acting like he has all the answers and I'm just being rash and stupid.

I just hate it. I do love him. I just don't connect with him in an intimate way anymore. I dont feel good about any of it. I know family will be shocked. I know he's hurting. I don't know how to sort things financially as I stopped working as I need to be around for the children whilst they are so young. I could only do part time work if I could find something and it wouldn't be enough to build an independent life. I just feel like I'm in such a mess.

Why on earth did you stop working when you weren’t married?!

First, you need to get yourself a job and make sure he is doing his share of childcare, then you can start working out whether it is worth staying together.

At the moment you’re financially stuck with him, as you won’t get anything beyond CM if you split.

It sounds like you have just drifted apart rather than grown stronger over time. Do you feel like he has really stopped listening and your voice has lost its equal weighting in this marriage?

Is DH working from home? That can cause extra stresses for everybody. Could you form a childcare bubble with your parents or close family? Maybe then they could support you emotionally as well if/when you decide to separate.

Do you rent or own your home? Gathering information about any family finances will be really useful to help you make decisions about your future. Maybe when you have got the information together you could contact a local lawyer to talk about your options. Best of luck with it all. x

Please say at least your name is actually on the house if you own it?

Also, why can't you buy your son new drawers for the toys? Or does your husband have ALL financial.control??

Do you have access to the family money and your name on the house deeds?

Mumsnet need to put some sort of flag on threads where women remove themselves from the workforce and don't have any access to family money/the home as an asset. Then when invariably the threads pop up where women are planning just that, they can be advised "read these 150 threads where it's gone wrong"

First thing you need to do is go and get a job. Get out the house and out of permanent mum mode and carve your place away from home. You will meet new people and help break up the loneliness. This will also make you in more even footing financially. It gives you options if you split.

Are you on the deeds of the house?

Have you tried couples therapy?

Really not meaning this in a condescending manner but I have two questions.

Why can't you order the drawers?

Why aren't you keeping on top of the housework if you're at home? If one parent is at home surely you shouldn't be wasting full weekends catching up on housework?

Sounds like you would be unhappy even if these issues were resolved tbh. If you don't find him sexuallly attractive now then I doubt you ever will.

Why can't you order the drawers?

Why can't he do one small thing for his family. Why does she have to do it all?

Why aren't you keeping on top of the housework if you're at home? If one parent is at home surely you shouldn't be wasting full weekends catching up on housework?

Because she has children at home full time and is home schooling due to lockdown. And the DCs aren't that old if one of them is at an age where he needs a drawer for his toys.

So why shouldn't he pull his weight?