Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Social media is killling me

52 replies

Lifelesson · 01/02/2021 05:40

My partner has become so obsessed with social media validation it is becoming unreal. For someone who used to hate it and delete all her apps, she now thrives on strangers laughing at her videos, telling her funny she is, or how great she is. I tell her how great she is all the time yet I’m met with ‘Eugh’ ‘no I’m not’ ‘whatever’ and dismisses my comments. Yet if a random stranger tells her online how funny she is or how great her post is, it’s all I hear about.

One of her videos on TikTok went viral (you can only imagine) for her and her friend mocking a celebrity (why would you want to do this...we’re in our 30s). It’s all I heard about for three days straight and it’s still going strong, how many likes, reading out all the comments to me, calling her friend every 5minutes when we’re together to talk about the video, how much interest it’s got, and what’s becoming of it. She is glued to her phone getting all this random validation which is feeding her ego. Meanwhile I’m feeling like an extra in her life who cannot give her what social media randoms can and it’s actually starting to push me away. I’m too old for all of this, I just want someone who appreciates what is real, and focusses on what we have instead of striving for something not real online. It’s making me really sad

I have tried talking to her about the above a couple of times, only to be met with defensiveness and a bit of hostilely, like I am questioning her. Each time she makes out that I’m over reacting.

AIBU?

OP posts:

LazyName · 01/02/2021 07:35

Yanbu that sounds super annoying

Original poster

Lifelesson · 01/02/2021 07:35

@pictish

Oh I accept that I’m in the dark here. I’m offering a perspective going by what occurs as I read the thread.

I get a vibe that the relationship is be-all and end-all for OP, going by the issue at hand and the emotive language used to refer to the relationship history. Sounds intense.

It a fair comment. We’ve been through a lot, and I supported her through some really tough times after we got thrown some awful curveballs early on in our relationship. I really suffered a lot during those times trying to support her. I wouldn’t put myself through all that I did, to not continue to give everything to the relationship. All I hope for in return is just to never feel second best . But I get you aren’t seeing the full picture. From an outsider it probably appears trivial and I look pathetic and childish....

OP posts:

Blessex · 01/02/2021 07:37

@pictish I read from OP remarks that this is a recent thing...

No, she isn’t a shallow person at all. 2 years we’ve been together and I’ve never seen his side of her

For someone who used to hate it and delete all her apps, she now thrives on strangers laughing at her videos, telling her funny she is, or how great she is.

WakeEatSleepRepeat · 01/02/2021 07:37

OP, please don’t apologise to anyone as your feelings are perfectly valid!! I am sorry that you are going through a tough situation in your relationship. Unfortunately though there isn’t much you can do. You can’t make a person change their behaviour if they really don’t want to. You have told her how you feel, if you matter to her, she will try to be less self absorbed with her time but if she carries on as before, you have your answer

BeaSmithers · 01/02/2021 07:38

No you don't. She's the pathetic and childish one.

I'm sorry, but the fact she feels the need to do these things shows she's not happy in your relationship. I'd let her go.You deserve better than an insecure little girl who needs validation from strangers.

SatsumasOrClementines · 01/02/2021 07:41

Looking at this from a different perspective: She’s having success at a hobby and you don’t like it because it’s taking attention away from you. She doesn’t need you to validate her and that worries you.

pictish · 01/02/2021 07:47

Again, it reads like you feel you’re ‘owed’ her full attention because you supported her. I honestly don’t know if that’s reasonable or not.

I know my dh doesn’t always get my full attention. Sometimes my attention is on work, friends, hobbies...and of course, our three children. We have both supported one another through the shit over the years but he’s not the only relationship or interest I have.

I read a saying once that really resonated with me...

“Love does not exist in gazing inwards at one another outwards together in the same direction.”

Esspee · 01/02/2021 07:48

I feel you need to move on. Anyone who is obsessed with social media is shallow and you deserve better.
I think you sound lovely and hope you find someone more suited very soon.

pictish · 01/02/2021 07:48

*BUT outwards together in the same direction.

Original poster

Lifelesson · 01/02/2021 07:50

@SatsumasOrClementines

I don’t see it that way. I am very supportive of everything she does and always her biggest advocate but I appreciate it will look like that without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship and what has happened. Looking back, I shouldn’t have posted this i was just awake and feeling a little lost/upset and looking for some opinions. I don’t want to appear needy or pathetic so I’ll just accept the situation and move on...thanks everyone for your comments

OP posts:

Blessex · 01/02/2021 07:52

@Lifelesson for what it’s worth you sound like a great partner and different people simply have different needs and wants in a relationship. Yours are perfectly valid and I would say nice! Let’s be frank what she is doing is shallow.

KarensChoppyBob · 01/02/2021 07:53

Pictish if you only saw your DH at the weekend and his primary focus was creating his social content and worrying about likes and jumping around when he got all the validation he required.

I mean, what's attractive about that ?

pictish · 01/02/2021 08:03

Well...that’s very specific. A partner who loves a bit of social media notoriety themselves would be fine with it I should think.

My dh hasn’t got a single social media account to speak of so I can’t quite place myself in the scenario,
What I can say is that my dh is a gamer and often organises online get-togethers to game. He can be involved with an online gaming event for hours. He’s still here to chat to and pitch in round the house. I don’t mind it at all. I go out for a good run leaving him with the kids.
There’s a lot of rancour for gaming on mumsnet here but I can honestly say I don’t grudge my dh his hobby. I don’t need all eyes on me. I never have.

KarensChoppyBob · 01/02/2021 08:06

Not judgment of gamers here either or I'd have to disown my DS :)

Main point being OP only sees her at weekends. Wouldn't you want to engage with your partner in that limited time?

pictish · 01/02/2021 08:11

The entire time? No. Frankly.

Blessex · 01/02/2021 08:15

But @pictish nobody is saying ‘the entire time’ but if the majority of that weekend was spent with my partner jumping up and down excited about people she doesn’t know because they validate her then yes. I would be

Blessex · 01/02/2021 08:17

Gaming is a little different too. My DS games but he does so with real life friends.

KarensChoppyBob · 01/02/2021 08:20

C'mon now let's not be disingenuous. No one , not even OP, mentioned wanting their partner's attention 'the entire time'.

The OP's issue is quite the opposite.

pictish · 01/02/2021 08:31

That’s fine. I’m not chasing an agenda here, simply offering a perspective as it occurs. I accept I may be way off the mark.

All I know is we’re in lockdown, everything is online atm....social life, work, entertainment, friendships etc. I can imagine having a video go viral is rather exciting even if it’s the last thing I would do myself.

Under normal circumstances the OP’s gf might choose to spend her weekend with her friends, family or on other interests and not with OP. Would that be a problem too? That’s normal by my standards.
I think people are confusing their distaste for social media with what is actually occurring within the relationship.
Again, could be wrong.

Mildredandmaud · 01/02/2021 08:36

It sounds so annoyinf and hurtful OP YANB at all U!! That would upset me too!

ChristmasFluff · 01/02/2021 11:01

OP, you are faling prey to the 'sunk costs fallacy' - because you have put so much into this relationship, you believe you are somehow losing out if you leave it now.

In fact, you are putting more and more into a bucket with a huge hole in it.

Whether other people find the behaviour of your partner acceptable, is largely irrelevant. You don't. This relationship is no longer bringing anything but angst into your life, and your partner is not wiling to do anything to change that.

So you either accept that, and stick with this unfulfilling status quo. Or you end this. Being alone is better than being overlooked.

JanuaryJonez · 01/02/2021 11:43

OP you're genuinely upset about this and I'm sorry you feel pushed aside, but you do sound a little fragile and, dare I say, needy.

I doubt, unless she's extremely talented (or stunningly beautiful) that her subsequent videos will get such a response, so things should calm down soon.

Some posters have been way too harsh and judgy on you though, which I don't think is fair.

Sonders · 01/02/2021 11:55

I can totally see this from both sides. It's so easy to sucked into social media as a replacement for real life right now - especially when you receive hundreds and thousands of positive responses.

It's not a healthy relationship with technology, and she's probably aware of that.

And from your side, it's always tough when someone only wants to talk about their life, and especially when it's one side of their life that doesn't interest you at all. It's like you miss all of the other wonderful sides of that person.

I guess it might be worth having a little patience right now as there's nothing else going on, but I agree with you that it's a really tricky situation :(

whoamongstus · 01/02/2021 11:57

[quote Lifelesson]@Blessex - yes I would say so. I sadly don’t think this will end. The fact that this on particular video has seriously blown up, will just be the start. Her and her gay guy best friend are already planning what to post next....[/quote]
Why mention the sexuality of the best friend?

Original poster

Lifelesson · 01/02/2021 13:34

@whoamongstus no particular reason, but there is context behind that too which is another reason that is driving the frustrating behind the social media obsession, as he plays a massive part in wanting to be ‘famous’ online. He also occupies a massive part in her life (rightly so)....but often to the detriment of her relationships (past and present).

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3