Narcissist ex telling my daughter to lie to me

[77Alex]

Evening all, I'm feeling sad that my horrid narcissist ex must be telling our 5 year old to 'not tell me things'.

My daughter has allergies and the last few weeks has been coming home with red, watery and sore looking eyes. When I have asked her has she come into contact with any cats she keeps replying "I don't know".
I think her dad might have a new partner who has a cat (which is where the red eyes have come from)

It is none of my business what happens at her Dad's house, and I never pry into anything she does with him (separated years and he is a compulsive liar, narcissist and has mental health issues). I simply ask if she has had a nice time when I welcome her home.

I think my ex has a new partner (absolutely fine, but he would never tell me) and there have been times the past few weeks that my bubbly, happy daughter goes very quiet with me when I ask about her day and keeps repeating "I don't know".

Does anyone have any advice on what is best to do in this situation please? Mentioning to my ex would be no good, as he uses discussions as a reason to argue with me, nor would it change his behaviour and suddenly make him not lie!

I feel so sad that my daughter obviously feels in a difficult position as it's clear he must say things like "don't tell Mum" or "say I don't know".

As long as our daughter is happy and healthy I don't care what happens when she is with her Dad. I don't want my daughter thinking it's ok to keep secrets, or to feel she ever has to keep things from me because her Dad tells her to. I have said that she shouldn't keep secrets from me and if anyone says "don't tell anyone" that she shouldn't keep secrets from adults.
We have such a lovely relationship and I want her to grow up strong and confident.

Thoughts or advice please?

Thankyou xx

Anyone? x

This must be so hard for you, and for her. I can see this happening with my narc exH too. At the moment he still thinks he's got a chance of getting back with me so he's on his best behaviour, it won't last!

If it was just something minor like not brushing her teeth or eating too much junk whilst at dads then I wouldn't say anything but this is an allergic reaction!! I was allergic to cats and rabbits when I was a child and it made me feel really rough. I think you're going to have to say something to him, don't do it verbally though do it via text or email or however you communicate. Keep it factual and not emotional so like....

"hello ex, daughter has come home from the last 2 visits suffering from an allergic reaction. As you know she is allergic to cats so I'm sure you wouldn't risk her health by her being around them. Is there anything else you can think of that she's been around that's caused the allergic reaction?"

I 100% appreciate what it's like dealing with a narcissist abuser, I've just ended an 8 year relationship with one and we have 2 young kids together. They love to see you react so unless it involves the kids safety or health and well-being, do not react!

Thankyou for your reply!

I am so well rid of my ex and I'm sorry to hear you are going through similar.

If it was the other way round he would be shouting and scowling at me that I had let our daughter come into contact with things that she is allergic to!

I want to have as little contact with him as possible, and I feel if this new cat is a new partners etc that he will somehow try and turn this round on me.

I just want my daughter to not feel that she has to keep any secrets, poor thing! xx