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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU.... to be upset at how oh speaks to our girls?

44 replies

Canttakemuchmore22 · 31/01/2021 21:08

I am so upset and angry at partner but yet again been made to feel I am the one that's in the wrong. I ruin everything and purposely make him miserable.
I am told all the time I am mental and deluded when I voice my concern over things he says and does.... I only ever speak up when I genuinely think it's not right to say or act the way he does sometimes.
So today he's spoken about "bumming" in front of our 4yr old and 8yr old.
He has used words like "poofter, bender, Lezzer" in front of them previously and I have reacted badly by telling him how inappropriate that is not only saying it in front of the kids but just those words are downright horrible.
He has now told the kids that someone they know of is sick and will die, no sitting down and discussing it he actually just said "he is sick and will die" then left the room without a care about what the kids were then thinking.
I again respond saying that's not right and get told it's me that's unreasonable and he completely disagree's that he's said anything wrong and he will say what the fuck he likes and I make him so angry, I do it on purpose and he wanted to chuck his entire dinner over my head?? WTF
AIBU??
Should I just keep my mouth shut in future?

OP posts:

Taylrse · 31/01/2021 22:16

Definitely doesn't sound normal!
He has the emotional intelligence of a slug and sounds sexist and homophobic.

I think he needs to either start listening to you and understand that it's not acceptable to say these things in front of young children, or tell him to go.

UniversalAunt · 31/01/2021 22:41

He is bullying you through your children.
You have a duty of care to your children to protect them from abuse & unreasonable levels of risk.

You & your children need to get out of this toxic environment as soon as possible.

Contact Womens Aid as soon as possible, to get information, support & find out how to leave safely go to a place of safety.
Speak a trusted good friend &/or family about how he speaks to you & the children. Do not carry the burden of his unreasonable & abusive behaviour on your own.

Original poster

Canttakemuchmore22 · 31/01/2021 22:46

It started when I fell pregnant with our first child.
He was not happy at all and said some very hurtful things that really tortured me.
He once told his friend that booting me down a flight of stairs would "solve the problem"
We separated I moved house and was ok then he came back and said he was sorry and out of order etc and that he felt bad about what he had put me through.
We had a couple of good years even tho he was off sick for a long time during then. He works away from home for weeks at a time and when he went back to work and started earning a substantial amount of money he just has turned into this vile person again.

OP posts:

Pollypudding · 31/01/2021 22:56

You are not in the wrong. He is treating you badly and the children will absorb this homophobic attitude and think it is normal.

I left a racist homophobic partner when my youngest was 7- wish I had done it sooner- never had a moment of regret.

DragonPoop · 31/01/2021 22:59

Yabu purely because you’re still with this tossed!

Mildredandmaud · 31/01/2021 23:06

He sounds like a nasty piece of work. I don’t say this often but I really would suggest LTB.

Original poster

Canttakemuchmore22 · 31/01/2021 23:06

Thank you all so much for your replies.
I know I need to leave him, just have to face facts that things will never get better

OP posts:

diversity101 · 31/01/2021 23:07

It’s clear you are not thinking of leaving him. I’m honestly shocked that if this behaviour started when you were pregnant with your first that you stayed with him and then had another two kids.

If you won’t leave this abusive man for yourself then at least do it for your children. How would you feel if your daughter is in a relationship like this when she is older? Because you are currently demonstrating that being treated like this is acceptable. Seek help and get out.

It’s likely that he will start speaking to and treating his kids the same way as they get older. Just start planning on getting out of this relationship

5foot5 · 31/01/2021 23:14

Do you have any family you can go to so you can get you and your children away from this awful person?

Original poster

Canttakemuchmore22 · 31/01/2021 23:25

I have actually had my name in for a house for 6 months.
I recently contacted the housing and told them I was desperate and my situation, they said they would be in touch and have not as yet.
As I said he works away for long periods of time so we have the house to ourselves a lot.
My kids are bright, healthy and happy and pre lockdown do well in school and nursery I do put them first and know it would be more irresponsible for me to leave us homeless or living in a really rough area.
It's not easy to up sticks and drag children away from a home they love and a lovely safe area.
I need to do it properly for their sake otherwise I will feel like I failed them.

OP posts:

Unisexnames · 31/01/2021 23:31

He sounds vile. I understand that you may love him but fuck the fucker off, he’s a shit bag and will make your daughters feel like crap too

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 31/01/2021 23:35

@Canttakemuchmore22

It started when I fell pregnant with our first child. He was not happy at all and said some very hurtful things that really tortured me. He once told his friend that booting me down a flight of stairs would "solve the problem" We separated I moved house and was ok then he came back and said he was sorry and out of order etc and that he felt bad about what he had put me through. We had a couple of good years even tho he was off sick for a long time during then. He works away from home for weeks at a time and when he went back to work and started earning a substantial amount of money he just has turned into this vile person again.

Was he off sick when he convinced you to go back or did he go off sick very soon after?

lioncitygirl · 31/01/2021 23:36

why are you with him - surely you dont want your children to grown up idolising this man?

LagunaBubbles · 31/01/2021 23:40

My kids are bright, healthy and happy and pre lockdown do well in school and nursery I do put them first and know it would be more irresponsible for me to leave us homeless or living in a really rough area

I disagree, I think its more irresponsible staying with this vile influence on your children's emotional development.

rosiejaune · 31/01/2021 23:44

@Canttakemuchmore22

It started when I fell pregnant with our first child. He was not happy at all and said some very hurtful things that really tortured me. He once told his friend that booting me down a flight of stairs would "solve the problem" We separated I moved house and was ok then he came back and said he was sorry and out of order etc and that he felt bad about what he had put me through. We had a couple of good years even tho he was off sick for a long time during then. He works away from home for weeks at a time and when he went back to work and started earning a substantial amount of money he just has turned into this vile person again.

It is very common for abuse to start or escalate at key moments such as pregnancy or marriage, when they feel like they have sufficiently trapped you to get away with showing their true selves.

Record everything abusive (because that's what it is) he says or does, and tell the council. And an organisation such as Women's Aid may be able to write a letter in support of your application to get you into a higher band.

FeckThat · 01/02/2021 00:04

@Still1nLove

He is gaslighting you. LTB

This. Absolutely this. Been there and done that, seriously suggest you get out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/02/2021 00:05

Good dads are not abusive to their children’s mums.

MissMarpleDarling · 01/02/2021 00:20

Sounds abusive op.

Coyoacan · 01/02/2021 00:29

I'm so sorry, OP.

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