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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get annoyed with what others say, but constantly spiteful to others.

23 replies

laraa91 · 31/01/2021 19:23

One of my aunties (mums sis) gets upset and offended about everything. One small joke and she can get offended. I remember her being constantly offended about what others would say and make a big deal about it. She tried that rubbish with me after DS birth and I cut her off quickly as I just cant stand things like that - she continued in telling everyone in the family about our situation even though I kept tight lipped about it.

Recently we got back in touch and today when we were talking I mentioned an argument I had with my manager and she said 'I'm not really interested about your issues at work' which I was shocked by. She always rant on and on and on and on about her husband to anyone and is always whining about her situation yet I always listen even though its the same things she says.

I think what really got to me was if I ever told her once 'I'm not interested about your issues with your husband' She would be all offended hot and bothers and tell anyone who listens about the disrespect I showed her.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with this (the main point being shes so offended by everything yet can say snarky things to others)

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 31/01/2021 19:25

Aren’t you both just knackered with falling out with people all the time?

Sparklesocks · 31/01/2021 19:28

It sounds like you both rub each other up the wrong way. Maybe it would be best to keep your contact limited to family get togethers when necessary rather than 1:1 chats?

Original poster

laraa91 · 31/01/2021 19:31

@Sparklesocks

It sounds like you both rub each other up the wrong way. Maybe it would be best to keep your contact limited to family get togethers when necessary rather than 1:1 chats?

Yes I think thats the best too but she does suffer from anxiety and rarely leaves the house. She has no friends and is really only in contact with my mum and me. When we fell out over the offended topic 2 years ago her husband would always call and tell me how lonely she is (she was trying to make up at the time)

I think its even weirder for me because I am not one to share to much with her. Our conversations are always dominated with her problems with her husband and home life. So the one time I have something to tell her she's just 'not interested'

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 19:33

@ShirleyPhallus

Aren’t you both just knackered with falling out with people all the time?

😂😂😂😂

Sometimes I love mumsnet

unmarkedbythat · 31/01/2021 19:33

Yanbu, and it really is fine to say to her "I'm not interested in hearing about that, thanks". If she gets offended and cross, so what? You don't have to listen to her just because she wants you to.

Original poster

laraa91 · 31/01/2021 19:37

@unmarkedbythat

Yanbu, and it really is fine to say to her "I'm not interested in hearing about that, thanks". If she gets offended and cross, so what? You don't have to listen to her just because she wants you to.

I do agree with this. I know once I do say this she will call my mum and moan about me for hours which is so daunting

OP posts:

unmarkedbythat · 31/01/2021 19:42

I bet... I have relatives like her who think I am dreadful and will tell everyone so, but hey ho, life's short. Your mum and dad are also allowed to tell her they don't want to hear any more and end the call. Does everyone just let her do this?

Original poster

laraa91 · 31/01/2021 19:48

My dad rarely talks to her and does his best to avoid her company.

My mum has a soft side as auntie is her youngest sister and has it a little rough in life. She has anxiety and a husband who doesn't pay her any attention which we all believe makes the situation (her unhappiness) a lot worse.

OP posts:

Plussizejumpsuit · 31/01/2021 19:56

@ShirleyPhallus

Aren’t you both just knackered with falling out with people all the time?

Well it seems op had boundaries around a family member not treating her like crap. Where as the aunt seems to deliberately cause problems. So I'm not sure you can say op is falling out with people all the time.

But why let that get in the way of a bitchy comment?

DaylightSunlight · 31/01/2021 20:00

I know that sort of relative. The best way is to remind them this is what they do too because they tend to conveniently have selective memory.

So say, "I'm sorry, I can't listen to this now" or something and if she is bothered, tell her, "Well it's what you say to me when I want to tell you things so..."

If she's anything like the ones I know, I'm pretty sure she may say "So what if I say it to you? Does it mean you get to say it back?" lol

ShirleyPhallus · 31/01/2021 20:33

So I'm not sure you can say op is falling out with people all the time.

But why let that get in the way of a bitchy comment?

Her next paragraph talks about an argument with her manager 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

laraa91 · 01/02/2021 07:35

@ShirleyPhallus

So I'm not sure you can say op is falling out with people all the time.

But why let that get in the way of a bitchy comment?

Her next paragraph talks about an argument with her manager 🤷‍♀️

I remember you leaving bitchy comments to others too. You need to find better hobbies, esp with a baby on the way!

OP posts:

Original poster

laraa91 · 01/02/2021 07:37

@DaylightSunlight

I know that sort of relative. The best way is to remind them this is what they do too because they tend to conveniently have selective memory.

So say, "I'm sorry, I can't listen to this now" or something and if she is bothered, tell her, "Well it's what you say to me when I want to tell you things so..."

If she's anything like the ones I know, I'm pretty sure she may say "So what if I say it to you? Does it mean you get to say it back?" lol

I think this is what I will do next time. She gets special treatments from my mum because of her 'problems' but I honestly can't deal with her behaviour anymore.

Thank you

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 01/02/2021 07:39

What about repeating her comment straight back then saying "if I said that to you, you would hit the roof and be very upset. "

SuperHighway · 01/02/2021 07:52

I have a sister just like this. In fact I wondered for a second if you were one of my daughters posting! However your mum is still trying and giving your aunt chances, I stopped that about 5 years ago. My sister is a very bitter woman full of self loathing which she projects onto those around her. I pity her but I won't stand for her moods or insults. I'm very low contact with her now and much happier as a result.

Original poster

laraa91 · 01/02/2021 07:52

@VettiyaIruken

What about repeating her comment straight back then saying "if I said that to you, you would hit the roof and be very upset. "

This sounds like a good idea and I could try that but I know she would get all hysterical and complain to anyone who would listen.

I think the main reason I don't want to get on bad terms with her is because she is very lonely. After an argument she feels forced to make amends not because she thinks she is in the wrong but just because my mum and her are her only 'friends' - The idea of that makes me feel bad.

OP posts:

CakeRequired · 01/02/2021 07:55

She has no friends for a reason. She's a cow. Leave her to her misery.

SparkysMagicPiano · 01/02/2021 07:56

I think the main reason I don't want to get on bad terms with her is because she is very lonely.

I wonder why that is?

VettiyaIruken · 01/02/2021 08:00

She wouldn't be lonely if she wasn't a dick. How much shit are you going to take from her because she's lonely due to her own choices?

umpteennamechanges · 01/02/2021 09:22

Why didn't you have a conversation with her about that at the time?

Auntie: "I'm not interested in your issues at work"

You: "Most conversations involve people telling each other what's going on with them, including issues they're going through. You, for example talk about issues with your husband and I listen. Can you see how what you just said might feel hurtful? I'm wondering how you would feel if I said that when you're talking about your husband?"

I mean...do people not talk to each other about issues? That's the only way they get resolved...

umpteennamechanges · 01/02/2021 09:25

@VettiyaIruken

She wouldn't be lonely if she wasn't a dick. How much shit are you going to take from her because she's lonely due to her own choices?

This.

And to be honest if she got hysterical about it then I would actually be fairly blunt about this and tell her she needs to get her shit together.

But this comes from a woman who has gone no contact with my father, grandmother and a previous close friend. All of which were this kind of person (and father was a much worse type).

Life is very uncomplicated and enjoyable without these kind of people in it.

Sinful8 · 01/02/2021 09:26

Take the phone call when she's going full trot put the phone down quietly and go make a brew.

The challenge is to see how long you can be gone before she notices. Do it enough and she'll develop a tic of asking if the other person is there on the phone in any scilence

Anycrispsleft · 01/02/2021 15:03

When we fell out over the offended topic 2 years ago her husband would always call and tell me how lonely she is

I bet he did. He must have been desperate for you to start listening to her again so he got some peace. I've never understood why those partners stay, I suppose out of loyalty, although I do wonder if people like your auntie wouldn't have learned better how to get along with other people if their partners left, maybe at a younger age? I don't know.

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