To suggest to DD 1 19 that she gives the Open University a try.

[mainstreet]

DD deferred a choice of three RG Universities last year due to the Coronavirus pandemic and her crippling related anxiety .

DD now refuses to leave the house at all other than being clingy to me and her two younger sisters. Thus, now refuses point blank to even contemplate applying for a University, despite being awarded 2 A* @ A at A level in the grading system last year !

I have re posted this from last year to give some context to my DD's difficulties regarding confidence and anxiety !

D 1 YR 13 is hoping to get offers from Warwick , Bath or Surrey Universities. However, despite potentially having the choice of three great Uni's is feeling extremely low this evening, unbelievable i know but with three of her closet friends likely to get offers from Cambridge and Oxford is feeling 'stupid!

Do these extra selective girls schools create the idea for normally very bright girls that if you are not Oxford/Cambridge bound you are mediocre .
Out of sympathy DD 2 year 10 who is at the same Essex Grammar school as now informed me she intends leaving the school next year and will not go to University.

OP’s posts: See next | See all

I am studying a pt degree with them and really enjoying it (I'm nearly 50).

However, your DD is obviously very academically intelligent - it is a shame she doesn't feel she can go to somewhere like Warwick with other people her own age.

As someone who went to an "extra selective girls school" i can tell you that yes, I was pushed towards Oxbridge and that Warwick was my "plan b". I was utterly devastated when i didn't get an offer from Oxford, for all of about 3 hours, when the relief kicked in.

I also had severe anxiety and depression. I truly believe I'd have killed myself or had a breakdown by Christmas had i gone to Oxford. It is not a place for fragile people.

You don't mention whether your daughter is getting any support for her mental health. My advice would be to pay for a private psychiatrist and therapist, medicate, and push her to apply for universities. The longer she leaves it, the more like a failure she will feel.

Ok it's a plan..but where does she go from there? will staying at home studying make her anxiety just get worse,? that would be my worry

I am studying full time with the Open University and they are brilliant. 2 of my children are at brick university and have said how good mine is.

Would she consider it?

It might start opening her world up again, although pp makes a good point that it probably ought to be alongside psychological support.

It depends. Would her choices let her defer a further year? At a brick university she will be able to access counselling or mental health support, as well as more academic support than she can get through the OU. But she will be away from home and away from her support system.

The Open University isn't as academically challenging and won't have the same support but as she is at home she may not need that extra support. They are also a bit better set up for online, although on my course its mostly retired people so there really isn't a lot of contact even on the course websites and chat rooms. I'm 37 and I'm significantly lowering the average age. Its very isolating. If you are in Wales or Scotland it might be worth investigating doing a few courses with the OU as its subsidised so relatively cheap. Depending on what kind of work she wants to go into cost may be a factor.

If she has a diagnosis of a mental health condition she should be able to access additional support through either OU or a brick university with changes to assessment if needed and possibly support from a mentor funded by DSA if she meets those criteria.

Personally I would wait COVID out and see how she is when things are a bit more normal, and see if she is ready to apply for a brick uni to start Sept/Oct 2022. In the mean time she could access some Open University courses.

(Disclaimer: I'm comparing my OU course and the brick uni I work at here. Obviously experiences will be different at different unis and on different OU courses!)

I studied with the O.U so have a good understanding about it and think it will be a good first step to get her at least thinking, academically rather than in terms of conspiracy theories. At present all DD1 lingers on her laptop all day watching and quoting crack pots like David Icke. She lectures me all day about 'The Great Reset' thus argues there is no point in going to University as there will be no point in any career because individuals will own nothing.

This is damaging because she infects DD2 and DD 3 with her thoughts . Yes she is getting mental health support though limited due to the present situation. DD 1 was also undergoing assessment for Autism (suspended).

I take it she isn't earning at the moment? Sounds harsh but at that age my choice was either education or work and pay rent. She might see the point of a career if she has to support herself.

My understanding of anxiety, as an anxious person, is that the more you avoid what makes you anxious the smaller your world becomes, and your anxiety grows. It doesn't 'help'. However don't know how acute her anxiety is.

I agree with a PP that mental healthcare is desperately needed, and that if she xan be supported to go to uni that would be better.

Her psychiatrist or therapist would help her understand if OU is a better bet.

I also think requiring rent to be paid if she doesn't go anywhere is a good idea, even if minimal. Again to break the negative cycle of being too axous to do anything.

I think it’s a great idea. The OU is widely respected in academic circles. Depending on what she does, provided she got decent grades, she’d likely be able to transfer to a brick Uni if she wanted. For example, if she did well in business management at the OU in first year, she could likely join a brick Uni for her second and third year. It’s done on a case by case basis, but people always drop out between first and second year, so there are usually a few spaces available.

first step to get her at least thinking, academically rather than in terms of conspiracy theories

I’m not sure that follows, and I’d be really concerned that she’ll waste a years funding and convince herself she can’t do it if she fails the year... it doesn’t sound like she’s in a place for it right now.

I went to Warwick, and the anxiety support there was incredible. I had it badly at the time. Going physically might be the making of her getting a handle on her anxiety and what she can do in the real world.

I am sorry It sounds really tough... does she have a crisis team? The conspiracy theory thing sounds like it could be more than just anxiety, but I might be projecting - my mum had that pretty badly as one of her symptoms of spiralling bipolar mania.

I think encouraging her into the Open Uni direction is just helping her continue to avoid what makes her anxious, which will only feed and prolong her anxiety.

I know your priority is her education, but this won’t help her get better at all and could make it far worse. She really needs to be encouraged to go into the outside world either via working or a brick university.

I think it would be a huge and scary jump for an anxious teenager to go from being in the house all day everyday, scared to go out, to being in a lecture hall with 50-100 students or walking round university corridors in a crowd of people. I do agree though that the longer she avoids something the harder it will become to join in again.

I think I would give her 3 choices for this coming year. She either gets a job, studies with the open uni or studies with a brick uni. She can't just keep avoiding life, it will only get harder and harder to face up to her fears.

Agree re avoidance in principle, but trying to force her to go out and about while the threat that prompted the anxiety is actually still real and valid strikes me as likely to be counterproductive.

Now that you've posted more about how she is, I'm not sure she sounds well enough to embark on a degree course at the moment.

DD1 is constantly urging DD2 and DD 3 to give up on their school work (which they are expected to do currently online) informing them there is no point trying calling their online work 'pointless'. This is very unfair especially on DD 2 who is in year 11 at the same highly selective school DD 1 went to.

The biggest issue here is entry to the schools sixth form considering, the current teacher grading of work suggestions for access. The school will require DD 2 posts high quality work and not listen to her convincing elder sister.

Mental health wise, it'd be good for her to find a counsellor/psychotherapist who she feels able to work with via phone / video call / going for a socially distanced walk.

OU is a good plan, if she wants to try further studying, particular as COVID-as-a-pandemic is of uncertain duration and the OU is set up well for online learning.

But may be she needs to concentrate on sorting her health out before trying to do more studying.

This may be leftfield but do you have a garden? If she is feeling like it's all pointless, the lack of scheduled classes/policed deadlines with OU won't be good for her. You would be better letting go of what you want for her for the time being and get her gardening. If she believes in the Great Reset, she probably would feel more in control of her life if she started growing her own food for the family. While she's in this mindset, she won't have the bandwidth for the OU. Maybe give her a budget for seeds/equipment and get her to research (loads on YouTube) how to grow plants, starting with three or four veg and a couple of fruit trees and adding as she gets confident. Self sufficiency is the way out of this hole.