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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childcare

24 replies

Paisley367 · 31/01/2021 13:14

I feel like I’m being put in an awkward situation. Me and my husband are both key workers, DD is currently looked after by my parents when we are both working, we do shifts so this varies week by week.

My husband said he’s been speaking with his mother and she is really struggling being at home all day alone, she doesn’t work, FIL works long hours at the moment so often comes home and goes to bed. They live a 4 hour drive from us and in the normal world we saw MIL as much as possible, couple of times a month.

My husband has suggested inviting her down to look after DD for a few days, this would mean another car on the drive, another person in the house etc. AIBU saying no as we already have a childcare bubble with my parents?

I feel like I’m being the bad person here as lockdown is obviously getting to her!

OP posts:

dchange · 31/01/2021 13:21

Simple question. If it was your own mum what would you do? What ever your answer is then that's the response your should give your husband.

Looking at this from afar sounds like you don't get along with her. As another car on the drive and another person in the house should not be an issue.

Not judging you though

Wenolikeexplodeythings · 31/01/2021 13:23

If she is moving permanently then that's fine, but she cant just come for a visit for a few days. You dont need her for childcare and she isnt a single person so she just isnt allowed.

twinklespells · 31/01/2021 13:29

I'd be inclined to say no as it's rule breaking and she has your FIL. If she was alone I would say yes. I would feel this way with my own DM or MIL too.

RedskyBynight · 31/01/2021 13:30

I assume you're mentioning another car on the drive and person in the house as you know full well this is against the law and are concerned that a neighbour might report you?

I wouldn't do this - sorry. Is there no way that FIL can take time off work/change his working hours to spend more time at home? Is your DH encouraging MIL to meet up for walks with friends etc?
I do feel for her but unfortunately there are 1000s of people in just her position, and what might seem ok if only one person does it, is not ok if everyone starts doing it.

PurelyT · 31/01/2021 13:32

I really hate that we are in a position of having to make these decisions. It's horrible.

I don't know what I'd do. It's rule breaking of course but I'd find it really hard to sit and listen to how my MIL was struggling and say no (she is lovely, I would hate to hear of her feeling down). I don't judge you or your husband tbh. It's really shit.

TheUndoingProject · 31/01/2021 13:39

It’s against the law because it puts your household, your parents, and the wider community at risk. It’s not as if she’s isolated and alone when she lives with her spouse.

Indecisive12 · 31/01/2021 13:43

Before changing childcare bubble you’d have to not have contact with current childcare bubble for 2 weeks then 2 weeks again before resuming bubble. That’s the guidance I last read.
So it’s be a no from me.

BlueTimes · 31/01/2021 14:04

Why can’t people just obey the rules for a little while longer so we can get out of this lockdown and on the way out of the pandemic?

AStudyinPink · 31/01/2021 14:07

No. You could start a whole new chain of infection. Not worth it this close to your parents AND in-laws being vaccinated.

Original poster

Paisley367 · 31/01/2021 14:15

Thanks everyone feel slightly less like the heartless b I feel like I’m being made out to be by saying no!

OP posts:

BlueTimes · 31/01/2021 14:19

@Paisley367

Thanks everyone feel slightly less like the heartless b** I feel like I’m being made out to be by saying no!

Can you compromise by planning a local holiday with her or similar for as soon as cases and the law permits?

SnuggyBuggy · 31/01/2021 14:23

Would your DH be willing to take some leave and go and visit her? If her mental health is suffering it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to visit but it's his mum so it should be on him to do so.

TwirpingBird · 31/01/2021 15:10

My MIL is in a similar position but we only live 40 mins away. She simply has no purpose, nothing to do with her day. She wants to come and 'help' with my DDs, but I would say that it's not childcare as I dont actually need her. We have suggested that she gets involved with her community, so offers to do shopping for vulnerable people, walk dogs if people are isolating, cook dinners for sick people, anything she can get her hands on. Of course, she isnt doing any of it because she generally lacks self motivation, but there is more she can do than come and sit in my house and have all my neighbours twitch their curtains. Maybe try to get your MIL a project or something to make her feel useful that isnt going against rules.

TwirpingBird · 31/01/2021 15:13

@BlueTimes

Why can’t people just obey the rules for a little while longer so we can get out of this lockdown and on the way out of the pandemic?

In fairness, we said that about 10 months ago. It's basically seen as a lie by many. Many peoples resilience has well and truly been broken. Plus, looking at the news today, we have a looooong way to go. It's not a 'little while'. Its possibly the rest of the year.

SleepingStandingUp · 31/01/2021 15:13

Make more effort to video call her (and I mean her son not you) with the baby, or once a week of an evening; depending on DDS age get her to splatter paint over or scribble over a piece of paper and post it to her; do not break lockdown rules for her to come and stay for a few days (every month) because she's in the same situation as everyone else

Hankunamatata · 31/01/2021 15:46

My parents live far away. I'd be so upset if my dh told me he didnt want them staying for a week.

Indecisive12 · 31/01/2021 15:49

@Hankunamatata

My parents live far away. I'd be so upset if my dh told me he didnt want them staying for a week.

Even though we’re in the middle of a global pandemic and even though it is currently actual illegal?

RedskyBynight · 31/01/2021 15:49

@Hankunamatata

My parents live far away. I'd be so upset if my dh told me he didnt want them staying for a week.

It's not a case of OP not wanting them though is it? It's a case of she doesn't want to do something that breaks the law in the middle of a pandemic!

If MIL is seriously struggling, I would suggest that OP and DH should look at getting her to move in with them until restrictions lift. Visiting for a few days just isn't a sensible thing at the moment!

ilovesooty · 31/01/2021 15:51

Your husband needs to find a way of dealing with the situation that doesn't involve breaking the law.

Indecisive12 · 31/01/2021 15:53

Also is it possible to speak to FIL and see if he can take some annual leave. Hopefully in March travel won’t be restricted and you can meet her halfway for a day. It is hard when family aren’t nearby, we have family we haven’t seen in over 12 months who we’d normally see 3-4 times a year for weekends etc but it really isn’t the time to get lax when rates and deaths are so high.

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2021 15:58

@Hankunamatata

My parents live far away. I'd be so upset if my dh told me he didnt want them staying for a week.

But we're in lockdown so it's not allowed. And risky.

ilovesooty · 31/01/2021 16:03

You're not the bad person here. Your husband really needs to talk to his dad about your MIL's wellbeing in the first instance.

Original poster

Paisley367 · 31/01/2021 16:07

Thanks everyone for your advice, haven’t actually seen DH face to face to discuss this properly as we’ve been working conflicting shifts. I’ll try and put forward some of your suggestions tomorrow when I see him to see if any will help her through these tough times!

Don’t worry I have firmly said no for the visit there will be no rule breaking from us

OP posts:

LuaDipa · 31/01/2021 16:57

She can’t stay for a few days according to the rules, but could she come and move in for a while? I would hate to think of my dm struggling emotionally at home alone. Surely there is something dh could do?

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