To finally give up on my mum?

[Pepperxo]

My mum has a severe diagnosed personality disorder, she has been in and out of MH units my entire life. I was physically and emotionally abused by mum and have a lot of trauma as a result
She moved to a remote island in Scotland probably so MH services would leave her alone she was sectioned approx 3 years ago after a suicide attempt. She was discharged and lives in a nice little flat my grandad lives on the main land 30 min ferry away he's 80 he's getting too old to care for my mum.
She ghosts us and then I end up going up there to try help her to help my grandad I also work in MH services myself. I've phoned local social services, MH services. It's been 3 months no contact my DD sometimes asks when will she see or hear from grandma again and I say I'm not sure.

I'm 27 and I don't feel like I can do it anymore mum doesn't seem to want to get better or have a relationship with us and it's very painful . My poor grandad is in pieces

AIBU to give up on her?

I think you just tell her "we are here when you want to get in touch"

Tell Grandad that you will help him from afar as much as possible (with logistics etc).

Sorry "when you are ready to apologise" it should say, not get in touch.

You've gone above and beyond for her. Yanbu no matter what you decide x

It's usually an unpopular opinion on MN, but you do sometimes have to walk away from those with mental health conditions

I wonder if you could have a chat with your grandad to say that with your life experience and professional knowledge you know that there is no more help that can be given to your mum that she doesn't want to have. But that she is still family so the plan is to leave her to live her life as she is, which is what she is able to do within the limits of her capacity, but that you will send her a card each month that states you are there if she wants you. So you don't feel as though you have ghosted her, but equally you aren't putting anything out to her that is rejectable, (it is a flat offer, no reply necessary, I reminder to someone who is sick that they aren't alone unless they choose to be) grandad doesn't feel as though this daughter is abandoned, you can get through each day on the assumption that she is not going to appear and you aren't going to go looking for her, and should she want to step through the open door she can.
I think you are doing an incredible job given the burdens you've had to carry in this life so far. But perhaps this strategy might allow you to create a space for yourself without breaking your grandads heart or having to worry every day.

You have done an amazing job so far. Don’t beat yourself up. RealisticSketch’s advice is very good-keep the door open without giving her an excuse to accuse you of rejection or ‘taking over’. All you can do is be there ready in the background. My grown up daughter is ghosting me atm. We email her with news without prejudice, while her life is going well, but know we will be there for her at the next crisis.

You owe her absolutely nothing. You’ve tired your best, arguably more than you needed to. Time to get on with your own life.

op, I know someone who has effectively done this. She has emotionally detatched herself.
She finally accepted that at present, her dad cannot, or chooses not to, change behaviour.
Now she has stepped back, she feels a lot better about everything. She can see the wood for the trees.
Her dad knows she is there for him, but he has to do the running so to speak, instead of her.

When you say no contact do you mean you have no idea if she’s even alive? If so you could ask the local police to do a welfare check.

After that I think it’s entirely reasonable to leave her to it. You have done your best and the professional team know she’s there.it’s a very sad situation but you would be right to prioritise your own happiness and that of your family.

Can't help but to offer hugs.

I have done countless welfare checks and got the police involved which makes mum say she's scared and pretends she won't ghost again but then does.

I can imagine if she has been sectioned she is very wary wary of authorities. Just leave her be.

I'd totally ghost if someone kept phoning the police on me.

@RealisticSketch 's advice is very good. Support your granddad emotionally, do what you can remotely to help with logistics, and send regular updates by post to your mum. She has your details and whether she choses to contact you is up to her. If she has a social worker (even remote places will have services, albeit thin on the ground everywhere) try and get their email address then if your granddad raises concerns, email them to social services and let them do a risk assessment. Anything more just keeps you in a cycle of chasing after her and stressing yourself out.

@Wilsonwilson

I'd totally ghost if someone kept phoning the police on me.

The last time I left her and ignored it she took a massive overdose... and had to be taken to hospital. And I'm wrong for calling the police? Social services won't check her neither will MH services they tell me to call the police.

I have a son who suffers with schizoaffective disorder. The one thing I would say is don't be worried that whatever you do will make your mum take her life. We are all responsible for our behaviour and nobody else's. You can only do your best and how she reacts to that is ultimately her decision.

What I'm trying to say is if you decide to cut your mum off, however she reacts after that is not your fault.

Op i have a mum like this. She has also been horrendous to me over the years, "wish i able to have aborted you ".. that sort of thing. I was always there for her. She now refuses all medical help, thought nurses were trying to kill her etc.. thinks she is blind ( she is not) loses days, argues with everyone. Thinks her doctor(s) has/have it in for her. Keeps changing surgeries/ specialists they all say same thing. They are unable to section her as she has not proven to be enough if a risk to herself or others even though she told me she was going to walk into the canal!

My sister and auntie left it all for me to deal with. After 40 yrs of this drama and being the only one trying to help her and having seen the impact my mum was now having on my own young children at that time, i finally went NC . I told my sister and aunty and now by default, they don't talk to the either. They have had to now step up, impacts their lives apparently!

I wish i had done it earlier. My children have seen and heard behaviours that worried them when they were younger from my mum. Everyone against her etc. I had to put a stop to that. Put yourself first now OP. ❤️

BY PHILIP LARKINN_
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

I don't think anyone would think less of you for stepping back from this. You can't nail blancmange to the ceiling.
You have put in huge amounts of emotional energy, effort and love and it isn't sustainable if you are essentially shovelling it all into a bottomless pit.
You can look back on this episode knowing you did all you could, but don't lose your own life by a process of slow attrition of there is no benefit or gain.
It must be a hard decision but you have healing of your own to do, time to focus on that instead I think. She's retreated to a remote place for a reason. It is not fair that your mum has this illness on her or you. But she does and it is a lot easier for one person to drag another down, than it is for a person to haul another up. I hope you and your grandad can find peace with this.