Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Who’s the unreasonable one here?

17 replies

Toastandtea1 · 30/01/2021 10:58

Bit of context, we have an only child (DD3) and husband is only child himself so our kid is only grandchild for in laws. They’re incredibly close, pre-lockdown they looked after DD couple of times a week. Between lockdown 1 and November this happened too (ie for that bit in the summer when things were relaxed). They love each other to bits.

Unfortunately, they’re not understanding why we won’t let this happen now. I’m shielding as I’m CEV and I’ve recently started on a drug that makes me immunocompromised (even more so than before). I realise I should keep myself at home at all times but frankly with a 3 year old we need fresh air! They know about my shielding but their approach to health issues is “just don’t think about it and it’ll go away” so I’m never convinced they’ve taken my chronic conditions seriously.

We therefore go out for a walk every day (we live on the edge of countryside so big open space for us), but we get all food and essentials delivered. We do not go into any shops and we’ve kept DD home from pre-school.

Yesterday we did some baking, ended up making far too much so we thought it would be nice to go and drop some outside the in law’s house. (They live literally down the road from us). Unfortunately DD got incredibly upset seeing them as she wanted to go inside their house and I said no. MIL then said in front of DD that she didn’t understand why we wouldn’t let DD go in as we’re in a bubble together. (We’re not for this lockdown, we don’t qualify for a support bubble and we don’t need a childcare bubble)

They’ve since said they don’t understand what’s changed ie from one lockdown to the next (we didn’t let DD go to their house during lockdown 1 for the record) and they’re only “trying to help”.

Who’s the unreasonable one here?

YABU: You’re being unreasonable by not letting DD go into their house.
YANBU: They're being unreasonable for expecting it.

OP posts:

MindGrapes · 30/01/2021 11:06

Yanbu. I did similar with my parents (drove to visit but outside only, partly due to risk to them as dc had been at school, this was in Dec). They were a bit surprised but ultimately understanding.

Turns out they hadn't mentioned they'd been mixing indoors with someone who'd been ill but not tested, so I was relieved I stuck to my guns.

Perhaps if they admit they don't understand the reasons to not put yourself at serious risk they can at least hand over the decision making to someone who does understand, ie you.

Be kind, say you know they're trying to help but you have been told it's not possible to mix without serious risk to your health. Are they in line for a vaccine anytime soon? Things may get trickier then as they'll see themselves as risk-free?

I've got a 3yo who understands we can't do a lot of things at the moment "because of the virus". It sucks beyond belief but it's where we are for the time being.

MindGrapes · 30/01/2021 11:09

Oh and stay firm about not forming a bubble, I'd only do this with people that gave a damn about my family's health. The constant worry wouldnt be worth it.

Being immunocompromised is a big deal!

sirfredfredgeorge · 30/01/2021 11:18

Unfortunately DD got incredibly upset seeing them as she wanted to go inside their house and I said no

YABU for this and the things that have caused this, if you need to distance your child this much, then you need to be more protective of her and not put her in the position where she gets upset. You need to find ways to manage her isolation better - and that's not going into her MIL's house. But it's also not taunting her with the things she's missing and enjoys and then saying no.

Original poster

Toastandtea1 · 30/01/2021 11:29

I do know I made a huge mistake in going over at all. I had thought it would be ok because they had brought some things round to drop at our door the week before and DD had been so excited to see them at the door and didn’t get upset by that. Obviously I do know I shouldn’t have gone round at all.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 30/01/2021 11:35

I think you should express that you would love to be able to but due to your new medication you are at a much higher risk. Then you’re in the woe together from their perspective rather than just you keeping their granddaughter away from them.

LouiseTrees · 30/01/2021 11:38

You need your husband to say what Middle Class Priblem said. Why is this your issue to sort out?

MiddleClassProblem · 30/01/2021 11:43

I don’t think you should get your husband to do it. I don’t think this is one of those “it’s his family, let him deal with it” situations. I think that could leave it look as if you are the bad guy a bit still with room for translation as that’s coming just from him. But you could express it together in a call.

StCharlotte · 30/01/2021 12:11

You are more vulnerable this time round and the virus is considerably more transmissible this time round. That's all you need to say.

LindaEllen · 30/01/2021 12:41

I don't know how people can't know why you would want to minimise mixing. My stepson used to stay at his grandparents' once a week (he's 17 but loves them to bits, it was as much to benefit them as him, as he used to do little jobs for them etc and they loved his company) and they've all really, really missed that over the past year. But it is what it is. There's nothing any of us can do. It's shit for everyone, but them making you feel guilty for not breaking the rules is selfish, and isn't helping anything.

LouiseTrees · 30/01/2021 15:15

@MiddleClassProblem

I agree with this actually

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2021 16:14

"They’ve since said they don’t understand what’s changed ie from one lockdown to the next (we didn’t let DD go to their house during lockdown 1 for the record) and they’re only “trying to help”."

Well even me, a complete stranger, can see the answer to 'what's changed' is that you've "recently started on a drug that makes me immunocompromised". So I'm not buying that they 'don't understand'. They understand fine well, but they want what they want and bugger everyone else.

Original poster

Toastandtea1 · 30/01/2021 16:53

Thank you @WhereYouLeftIt, I’m really upset that they’re not able to see the situation I’m in with medication etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastandtea1 · 30/01/2021 16:54

Thank you @LindaEllen we do really miss them and I know DD would absolutely love to go play there with them but we just can’t take the risk at the mo

OP posts:

WhatKatyDidNxt · 30/01/2021 16:57

YANBU they are being selfish and invalidating of your feeling and health issues. Make clear it’s not a debate and they shouldn’t encourage DD. It’s not fair on her

Original poster

Toastandtea1 · 30/01/2021 17:22

Thank you @WhatKatyDidNxt I think they think they’re being reasonable by saying they’re “just trying to help”

OP posts:

ChazP · 30/01/2021 18:21

Honestly, I don’t think either of you are being that unreasonable. I understand entirely why you’re shielding and I understand their disappointment that you’re stricter about it this time round. I know many people who were more laid back last time, but are shielding much more this time. I think you were a bit unreasonable to meet outside, when your DD is used to going into their house. They are a bit unreasonable for saying something in front of her.

safclass · 30/01/2021 22:18

Some people on here really bloody annoy me. "it your inlaws, its not your job to sort out' 'get your husband to sort it - nothing to do with you'.
I get that some people get married / have partners and don't get on with their families but there is always so much negativity as soon as in laws are mentioned. When I got married I became part of their family and vice versa and I wouldn't be afraid to speak to my p-i-l if there was an issue because we are adults and family. No wonder some families get p*ssed off with some members.

Flip