AIBU to ask for wedding advice

[LittleSilverBird]

Me and my partner have decided that we want to start to plan to get married if things are still going strong in 6 months time, pandemic permitting.

I thought I'd never get married (gay and just thought I'd never want to, but I do now so this is all something I've never considered.

We don't live together-we live about 2 hours apart. But we're fairly sure it is what we both want. We've spent a lot of time together. She will relocate to me, that's decided, for various reasons.

Anyway some issues I need to consider!

1. My Father is a homophobe. I am not sure if he is joking, but he has said he doesn't want anything to do with it if I do marry her. What would you do regarding him? Invite him and say doesn't have to come? 2)Despite '1' we're both very close to our families, and obviously we live far apart. We would put aside money to ensure we would pay for travel and stay overs in hotels-is it fair to marry somewhere half way mark? Has anyone else done a similar situation? Or would you marry in your hometown and if so how do we choose whose? 3)I'm pushing 40. Can I still wear a lovely pretty bridal frock? 4)following on from 2, I am thinking of our family's health and differences etc.. Her friends and family are very much 'party people' and would like to be somewhere new for a day/night I think whereas mine are more homebodies and wouldn't like to travel far so I'll take that into account. Plus my parents are older although fit and well.

What would you change about your wedding?Any advice at all is welcome.

TIA. :)

The only thing I’d do differently is have a much smaller, more intimate and cheaper affair. Have the ceremony then meal at a nice restaurant and that’s it.

But you actually don’t sound so certain in your OP. ‘If things are still going well in 6 months’ ‘Fairly sure it’s what you both want’. How long have you been together? And I would absolutely recommend living together for a couple of years first.

I'd have the main wedding where you will be living, it'll give everyone a chance to get to know the place. You could always have a second celebration party a week or two later in her hometown if her family are struggling. Don't do halfway it'll be stressful for everyone. The wedding is good practice on how to manage family expectations for future Christmases etc. Have you looked at the Offbeat Bride website? Loads and loads of inspiration for people who aren't having the traditional "one man, one woman, ceremony in a church, party afterwards with seat covers" sort of do.
And of course you can still wear the big froofy dress, just find one that suits you and that you love!

What Indecisive said.

Try living together for a while first. You don't sound at all convinced that this is 'for life'.

Re the wedding, halfway makes no sense to me, choose one or the other.

Watching for answers to point 1. My father is a racist and due to DP being black we are very low contact.
They’ve never met and I often wonder about what happens when we get married

PS We had a long-distance wedding dilemma and solved it by having two celebrations. On the day of the registry office, we had an anarchic picnic in the park for all our friends and his family and any of my family who wanted to make the trip, in the town where we would be living, then the night before the honeymoon we had a meal out near where my family lived. We also had a Best Woman and no bridesmaids or maid of honour. The only thing I'd do differently is invite more people to the first do because I'd underestimated people's inability to understand what we were doing and some people felt left out that we hadn't asked them to make a 4 hour round trip for our picnic/to do the legal bit.

Thank you so far! Sorry I'm on daft shifts and may fall asleep but will return to thread tomorrow :)

I apprecaite the reply about not doing it half way. I felt that fairer, but it did definitely feel the most stressful. We're talking about an hour's drive traffic dependent (we're two hours apart). That sounds fabulous, notfabulous ( ) but yes I guess whatever you do you'll end up not pleasing some people. I am reading the Offbeat Bridge ting now, thank you for that.

We've been together a long time. Split due to distance, missed one another like crazy and decided It's time to stop messing about, we're getting older. It was usually me who got scared but I'm happy at this now.

@Turnedouttoes

Watching for answers to point 1. My father is a racist and due to DP being black we are very low contact. They’ve never met and I often wonder about what happens when we get married

I'm so sorry to hear that. So much bigotry in this supposedly modern world :(

But we're fairly sure it is what we both want

Not exactly a ringing endorsement to get married, honestly. I would definitely live together for a couple of years before taking the leap.

It would just feel like postponing the inevitable if we did that. We both agree. Lesbians dont have the privilege of 'plenty more fish'(well at least about 4 times fewer) and we've spent most of the last 15 years together in some way or other.

No children either.

I appreciate your concern.
It isnt what I started the thread for though :(

1. Invite him and leave it up to him whether he wants to come. It'll be his loss if he doesn't.
2. Given 4) it makes sense to have it nearer your hometown. Very considerate of you to save money to help with travel etc - I've not heard of this before!
3. you can wear whatever the heck you want at your own wedding

@Indecisive12

The only thing I’d do differently is have a much smaller, more intimate and cheaper affair. Have the ceremony then meal at a nice restaurant and that’s it.

But you actually don’t sound so certain in your OP. ‘If things are still going well in 6 months’ ‘Fairly sure it’s what you both want’. How long have you been together? And I would absolutely recommend living together for a couple of years first.

We got married last year and has something similar to this as limited to 30.

It was (surprisingly) great and almost all our married friends basically expressed mild envy at ours / regret at their own.

Preface: Strongly recommend living together first.

Re wedding
Invite your dad, if he wont come its on him. In terms of weddings the basic rule is you pay, you pick. So if you cover costs of hotel and accommodation do whatever you want.
And yes to big poofy dress! 👍

1. I think the question is will it cause you more stress if you do or don't invite your dad? My birth mother was an abusive narcissist and we debated long and hard about whether or not to invite her. In the end we did because we decided that we'd rather know where she was than worry she was going to turn up and try to ruin the day. But if I was in your situation I'm not sure I would invite him if I'm honest.

2. Don't do halfway, it'll just add to the stress and you'll be constantly travelling. Pick a venue you love either in your home town or your partners. We paid for a night in a hotel for some of our guests as a thank you for the work they did for us but most people had to fend for themselves. One of the rules we made for ourselves early on was that we needed to make sure that there were lots of hotels and plenty of public transport so as not to make it difficult and annoying.

3. you can wear whatever you want and feel comfortable in. I wore a multicoloured dress because fuck convention.

4. I would recommend a venue that's central so people can go home/to their hotel when they want to or stay up partying.

At the end of the day the wedding is a celebration of your love for each other and you have to do what works for you and your partner.

Invite your dad, and let him decide, would you like him to walk you up the aisle? Why not ask him? Both dads could do this for you each separately!
If you have it in one town, it would be cheaper as half the guests could go home and not need hotels.

Save the extra cost for alcohol and food

Wear anything you like - go and try some on and feel fabulous, you’re never too old to be a bride

@Fudgewhizz

1) Invite him and leave it up to him whether he wants to come. It'll be his loss if he doesn't. 2) Given 4) it makes sense to have it nearer your hometown. Very considerate of you to save money to help with travel etc - I've not heard of this before! 3) you can wear whatever the heck you want at your own wedding

Thank you I've always felt I'd help guests with travel and stay costs, it is me asking them to come after all? Maybe I'm paranoid nobody would otherwise

1. screw him. If he can’t accept you for you, then I wouldn’t be inviting him.
2. our families live about 30 mins apart, further in some cases and I had friends from all over (including one from Germany) travel to see our big day. Choose a location that suits YOU two, that’s who this is about after all!
3. wear whatever the fuck you want - it’s your big day.
4. again it’s YOUR and your partners day! Everyone else can either fall in with your plans or not, that’s their choice. Honestly, I wouldn’t change a single thing about my wedding at all! Every last bit was perfect and it was very “us”. It’s been 7 years and I still get people saying that ours is The Wedding in our social circle.

Toffee you've intrigued me! What was your wedding like (feel free to not elaborate)!
I've always worried nobody would come to my wedding if I ever had one.

It was the quickest wedding ever. Asked for the fastest ceremony the registrar could do, and got it.
We also ignored all the “rules” and refused to go off for photographs until everyone had eaten. I literally told them that I would be starving by 12:30, they had to feed me.
Had food EVERYWHERE! Cakes, sweets, roast pork baps and chips, sandwiches.
Had a whole wing set apart from the disco so people could sit and chat if they wanted to, rather than dance.
We had our friends as entertainment - my dads friend is a magician part time, so he bought some tricks and stuff, my friend is a line dance teacher so she taught some dances for free. One of my husbands cousins does balloon modelling so everyone left with a sword or hat. (Which was hilarious when everyone was drunk). He was super happy he got to practise and we fed everyone who did something for us. Offered to pay but most of them just wanted to come.
Didn’t bother with flowers. Too much fuss.
Made my cake myself.
Had centrepieces which were cakes/biscuits and sweets that are old family recipes. No one went hungry at our wedding.
We just had fun. We are, drank and our photographs were done by our best man’s partner, so he just took “action shots” rather than forced posed photographs! It was relaxed, food heavy and just us. It was great.

toffeepennie that sounds fabulous! I'm loving gathering ideas

We don't live together-we live about 2 hours apart. But we're fairly sure it is what we both want.

It's a bad idea to marry someone when you are only "fairly sure" you marry someone because you are convinced.