AIBU to not want my family involved with all my exes

[Tequilaslammers]

Well, my family seem to really love being friends with all my exes. They have days out together, let them borrow their car, go to my siblings home and have even babysitted exes new child overnight on one occasion etc. I find this odd considering one cheated on me and just generally treated me badly - my family know this. I am not asking them to be mean but definitely cut off from that level of interaction, if they bump into them just be civil and no more.
My family are pretty strange. When I was a teenager my parents moved my siblings drug detoxing ex boyfriend into the family home.

What’s annoying/hurtful is I get accused of being controlling when I bring it up and have been told that they can be friends with whom ever they wish.

Your family must be great, friendly and warm
People. But I would never, ever be ok with this. Even and ex who treated me great - I would not expect them to be in contact after it was over.

Nope that’s weird!

I'd find that weird and I would distance myself from them, as they are putting your ex's feelings above yours.
Yes, they are free to do what they want, be friends with who they want to be, but you are as well.

Do you have children with your ex? I can understand staying in touch if children are involved. Also if they were friends with a family member first, I know people who have dated their brothers friends etc.. but other than those two reasons I think it would be odd to stay in touch with someone in my families exes.

I have got a brother who meets up with my ex for drinks and chat. He didn't like him much and had a fight with him on one occasion when we were together it really annoys me he still sees him. I know exactly how you feel Op, crap isn't it...

That's really strange. I wonder why they want this level of contact? Why do they think it's appropriate?

My DM is in contact with the parents of a close friend of mine from teenage years. We fell out badly and never spoke again. It winds me up that DM has established a relationship after this, they were never friends when the daughter and I were teenagers. Why now. Hate that information about me is no doubt passed on. And relayed to me about ex-friend. It's uncomfortable. They had even planned a weekend away together (covid cancelled that, thank goodness).

Sorry OP that is weird behaviour. Particularly if an ex has cheated on you, I would find that very hurtful for them to stay on such good terms.

And as for moving a drug addict into your home when you were a child!! Was your sibling still at home as well when the ex moved in?

I agree with your family. They're allowed to be friends with who they want. If there was a thread here from a woman who said "My ex-husband won't let me stay friends with his sister", he would rightly be shouted down as controlling.

Thank you! Have been feeling quite down about it and with always being made out to be the “controlling”one. When I thought it was a perfectly normal thing to do.

Nope none were friends in their own right before hand. In fact a couple strongly disliked my family when we was together but for some reason now, love to be involved as much as they can.

My family were still extremely friendly with the bully who they knew had made my life hell for three years or more. I can vividly remember my mother having a really warm and friendly chat with them knowing that they’d stolen money from the family home and kicked and punched me after school one day.

If one of your exes was not very nice to you and your parents are over friendly with him knowing that, then ex is continuing his controlling behaviour as he is still in your life to a certain degree and your parents are shits! I think it's a totally different situation to a sibling wanting to stay friends with an ex. Parents are always meant to put their children first and be protective and by being so close to your exes when they know you don't like it is very dismissive of your feelings.

I get accused of being controlling when I bring it up and have been told that they can be friends with whom ever they wish.

Well yes, obviously they can choose to be friends with anyone they like. But what's so hurtful is the fact they're so willing to cast your feelings and the way you were treated by these people aside in their choices.

Also, the fact they dismiss your feelings and gaslight you when you tell them you're upset about the situation makes it worse.

How do your family treat you more generally?

Weird.
I thought it was bad when my step mother remained friends on FB with my abusive ex. She and my father just didn't seem to believe me when I told them what he was like and why I left him. She merrily goes on being his friend, commenting from what I can see. Wouldn't be surprised if they go for dinner together.

Bloody disloyal. Your situation is another level of bad though.

My DP was with his ex 8 years (split for over a year before we even met though) and his family still invite her for family occasions including Christmas and new year and it just makes me and him feel awkward as hell. They all love her and never wanted them to split. But DP didn't love her and they won't accept it was the right thing to split up.

Does your ex have any of their own family?

Do you share children with ex?

I don't mind the ex thing as a rule - I'm on friendly terms with various parents of exes, and the exes themselves. But the fact that he/she didn't treat you well, and your family know this, makes it a different matter. I would find it inappropriate and quite hurtful in these circumstances.

Unless as PP have said, there are children (i.e. their DGC) involved, in which case sometimes people overlook things for the sake of continued contact.

My parents are kind nice people but arrogant. They are also quite well off and generous, which is one reason I think people like to “hang on” to them.
They gave some money to an ex towards a party once, that ironically, they were not allowed to attend because ex’s new partner was going to be there ....
I’m fine with being amicable, not asking for fall outs, and I don’t feel as strongly about people who haven't treated me like complete trash. Cheated etc.
I have children with one yes but they actually dislike my parents so isn’t much of an issue. Although they do have mental health issues and during one “episode” I asked my family to treat the situation delicately and listen to me on how to handle things. Again they said they do what they want, they did, and it actually caused issues for my children. They are still upset over them now they are a little older. They are teenagers now and say themselves they can’t understand why people didn’t listen to me.

Sorry just NO! Your children come first, always. I would not want to prolong that pain, especially the pain of being cheated on or whatever else. There are plenty of people to be friends with, no need to rub salt in wounds.

Who needs enemies with family like this!

Wow OP, what a bunch of disloyal pricks your family are! I cannot even fathom that level of treachery. Days out together? Babysitting their new child overnight? What the actual fuck.

And to know that one of your exes treated you badly and cheated on you and they still remain in contact with them? Honestly your family are a bunch of weirdos and you are definitely not being unreasonable.

Do your family treat you like shit? Are you the scapegoat?

I certainly would not entertain such bullshit and would go no contact. Who needs that kind of toxicity in their lives?

Horrible. Disloyal and undermining. Do they put you down in other ways?