Why do schools alienate Dads?

[Dadsrule1234]

It has come to light during lockdown that my kids a school run a parent 1 and parent 2 system. I have asked them previously to email us both, but everything still comes to me only addressed to me. I am getting a complex because despite our 50/50 partnership as parents and both working full time I get every negative email about uniform and now home school. Is this normal? Why alienate the Dads they place a huge role. I don’t know how to approach this? The email about home schooling was really awful. I find it so strange that schools don’t value their parents anymore. Unless it’s just this one.. thoughts please.

Both DD2's primary and mine have 2 prime contacts and it emails both. Only had to specify 1 or 2 for emergency phone calls.

When the children are enrolled at the school I work in, we ask who’s the first contact. Sometimes it mum, sometimes it’s dad, other times it’s both, and we’ll call either parent, on SIMS we have a 1 at both or one name and 2 at another name. Both parents get the messages sent to them, but in an emergency the 1 gets called first. We usually know which parent will be best, sometimes we ask the child who’s best to call too.

It's a second contact in emergencies.

If there is some reason that parents are unable to communicate with one another, then you need to let the school know. In the vast majority of cases, children live with both parents who should be amid to sort this out or they are capable of communicating with one another.

Perhaps if people feel strongly that schools should invest in more expensive emails systems, they could contact their MP and ask that more funding is made available

Why did you put dad as parent 2?

Parent 1 is usually the primary or default email address/contact on the systems.

We have to add an extra layer to the school system to email both parents.

I just forward the relevant ones to DH too.

It's a shit system and not supporting families to only send one email out.

What about the many, many families where the child lives in two households?

Both parents should be able to get an email if they need it.

Where parents are separated and share care, and for example, collection from school, it makes no sense to have only one primary contact who is the only one sent details - as in my PP about when I was trying to collect DD from a school trip.

To make this work, the primary or contact 1 would need to be changed each time the parents changed which one picked up the child.
Unfortunately my ex is apt to be difficult about stuff like this, so whilst I'd like to have a better arrangement, I can't rely on her to tell me stuff. That's just a fact, and one I can't change.

This used to be the situation with dh so when we moved house, and had to update, I made sure his name was first on everything. I still receive any phone calls first, fortunately there aren’t too many of those, but he does at least receive all texts and emails.

It's not all about you. The school has enough to do without doubling every communication to suit your family.
If you don't want to be parent 1, swap your name to parent 2. No-one is alienating Dads, except, rather often, themselves. Any school will tell you that the reality is that it is overwhelmingly women that do the school admin.

You should be able to request that you are both logged as Parent 1 and therefore both get all Comms.

They can also set up the auto address feature to include both parent names.

We have a joint email account for these purposes that we both check regularly so all school info goes into that. When they call though it's always me so I assume I did put my number first

I don’t really see it what the issue is. Schools should send out information to both parents as standard, without this parent 1/ parent 2 system. If you don’t want double emails, just set up a diversion on your email inbox. I don’t think they’re specifically discriminating dads. Either way, if you’re that concerned, take it up with the school.

In our case, ex refused to sign the admission application forms. He was then taken aback when the school wouldn’t send him newsletters or updates on dc as he wasn’t officially registered on their system. Funnily enough he did a complete 180 and signed the forms after several months. I had neither the time nor inclination to be forwarding every bit of information from school with two primary aged dc.

I totally agree with this. Despite us asking for ds son dad to be contacted too, they never do.
In primary school, it even went as far as ds having a head injury, the school phoned me, and I was in a meeting, rather then try his dad they left a message and was over an hour before I got message to ring back

I know my son and his ex both get the emails about my GC, don't know if that goes for all parents at the school or it is because they aren't together but obviously schools could send two.

Just thought for phone calls if they can't get hold of a parent they ring me but I don't get the emails.

@MyVoiceIsQuiet

I totally agree with this. Despite us asking for ds son dad to be contacted too, they never do. In primary school, it even went as far as ds having a head injury, the school phoned me, and I was in a meeting, rather then try his dad they left a message and was over an hour before I got message to ring back

and this why it's crap.

Are you seperated op? Who has the CB? I'd expect school to message them but if communication between you and ex is bad, o think you need to speak to them specifically about the issues it's causing

I'd have thought in the days of so many separated parents you'd contact both parents?

It does always seem odd to me you can have 1 main number.

My ds dad isn't in the scene and my dad is second contact on sheet. Except every single school has been able to send all correspondence to me and yet contact my dad as first point of call over any problems (he's retired and I work in education).

We have a shared gmail account for the kids stuff. We both see it and can respond. I'm actually the only person who does but it is there if it is need.

@Dadsrule1234

It has come to light during lockdown that my kids a school run a parent 1 and parent 2 system. I have asked them previously to email us both, but everything still comes to me only addressed to me. I am getting a complex because despite our 50/50 partnership as parents and both working full time I get every negative email about uniform and now home school. Is this normal? Why alienate the Dads they place a huge role. I don’t know how to approach this? The email about home schooling was really awful. I find it so strange that schools don’t value their parents anymore. Unless it’s just this one.. thoughts please.

Can you set your inbox to automatically forward mail from the school to dp so you both have it

@Clymene

Nice username.

Like most email systems, your school's system copes with one address per child. If you don't want that to be your email address, ask them to change it to your children's dad.

The only person whose fault it is, is you. Also, I can't believe you didn't realise this before now.

I mean whoever designed a system that it can't cc/bcc 2 people is a bit at fault.

Or just incompetent, given that there would in most cases be 2 people who need to know anything and in other cases where there isn't communication between those people.

Seriously this problem should have been noticed before rollout

They are actually legally obliged to send everything to both parents if that's what the family wants, e.g. where parents are separated, but in some schools, depending on the sophistication of their systems, this means someone being assigned to manually send copies every time something goes out. It depends if you'd rather ask them to do that than forward the emails yourself.

Agree with the PP that said this is a weird mental leap. You basically from “I put myself as parent 1, how do I change it” via “I have an issue with the school generally” to “they are alienating the dads!!!!!”

We have DH down as parent 1 because he is a SAHD. He does all school admin, but we both have a tapestry log in. Works fine. Just communicate with the school?

I mean whoever designed a system that it can't cc/bcc 2 people is a bit at fault.

They "system" isn't only used for email it will be the same system used for attendance, allergies, progress results, the list is endless. Changing to a more fit for purpose system is a big project (I've done it) and very costly.

So they could prioritise this over books and staff, or you could forward the emails.

Just set up a joint email that you can both access and ask the school to use that one. Agree a system for checking and filing messages so that you both see them but don't duplicate tasks. This is your issue, not the school's.