Finding it really hard to make decisions at work - AIBU to ask for help?

[OkZoomer]

I’ve been in my job for a while now - about 2 years.

I had a difficult period in the job with a line manager who was a bit of a bully to me and other colleagues. Although he left about a year ago, I still really struggle with confidence and with making decisions at work.

I find it really difficult to trust my instincts and to work out how I’m making a good judgment when making decisions.

I look at my colleagues and everyone always seems to make good, clearly thought through decisions and is very breezy and relaxed, and I always overthink everything and just feel crap in comparison. I never feel like I can mention how I feel to my line manager as I don’t feel it would be professional and I worry that he might judge me for it and think I’m crap at my job. He always seems to know exactly what decisions to make and how to approach things, and I feel really crap in comparison.

My approach to making decisions is coming up with a suggestion, then asking others for a second opinion. I’ve found this useful, as it helps me consider a decision from different angles, but I also worry it makes me look like i can’t make a decision independently.

Any tips on how to change my approach to making decisions and how to get more confidence when making decisions, please? I’m looking at promotion opportunities but am worried that I’m always going to be crap in whatever job I end up in.

I’ve got a mentor at work, so was thinking about bringing this up with them.

Speak to your mentor yep

Do speak to your mentor, but don’t criticise yourself too much OP - overthinkers can be v self critical. People have different ways of making decisions, and for some discussion is just part of their thinking process - it’s not something they can change or need to change.

It’s worth doing the Clifton Strengths finder and thinking about a bit of coaching or CBT.

You’re overthinking it, ask for forgiveness not permission. Go with your gut, follow your heart, you’ve got this! They gave you the responsibility of making decisions because they have every faith in you. It’s hard sometimes, I know, but forget the past and start afresh next wk. Spend time over the weekend reminding yourself how good it felt when you got the job and why they chose you, why you were the best!

Talk to your mentor.

Gently, forget about promotions right now and focus on recalibrating yourself to be more effective in your current role. This is not the right time for a promotion.

Next, start to categorize the decisions in front of you. Put them into one of 3 buckets; high, medium, and low impact.

Practice with the low impact decisions... these should be low risk and you should be able to build confidence and trust in your judgment.

Once you have that down start mixing in your medium and high impact...do what you’ve been doing by coming up with a suggestion, but when you talk to other people stop asking for approval. Instead frame it differently to yourself and them. ‘I’m giving you a heads up that we are going to do X’.

It may sound silly, but it sounds like the biggest problem is your perception with yourself and not actually making bad decisions.

Thanks so much everyone, your advice is really helpful.

I agree that I can be quite self-critical. That’s a very good point about starting fresh ILoveTea - thanks.

Thanks Louise and Party for the suggestion of speaking to my mentor, I’ll definitely do that.

I also think your advice about categorising decisions based on their impact is v good - thanks, Saltines!! That’s also such a good point about no longer asking for approval (that’s exactly what I do!) Any ideas please on how to phrase it when I approach people so I ask for their advice rather than their approval?

Also, would you have any suggestions for how I can approach making decisions at times where all the options seem equally risky or tricky?

In project management, especially in the scoping phase, I often used to ask "what happens if we do nothing?"
It is quite useful as a method of clarifying why something needs to be done.

Thanks Fraught!

I have this quote on top of my work to-do list:

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.”

In my previous role I was so terrified of making a mistake that I hesitated constantly. It's a good reminder to trust your instincts and just do something based on the information you have at the time.

But yes, do talk to your mentor for strategies, and bring it up with your manager if they're an understanding person. Hearing someone say "I trust you to make decisions in your job, and I'll tell you if there's something you need to do differently" can be so reassuring. Similarly, if you're not getting negative feedback from your manager or constant disagreement when you ask people for a second opinion, hopefully you can tell yourself that actually, you're doing a good job on your own ❤️

I have felt the same OP, especially as I am relatively young in my role so I tend to assume that anyone older than me just knows better. I used to worry that for every decision I made there was someone out there thinking 'why on earth has she done that'

However those people whole seem really relaxed and confident might be thinking the exact same thing as you! I've managed to make small steps from 'what do you think we should do' to 'I think we should do this, do you agree' to just confidently saying what I think (even if I'm not confident on the inside)...it hasn't backfired yet. So definitely speak to your mentor but it can come with practice too.

I definitely feel the same so I fully sympathise. However harsh as it sounds, you can’t ask for validation for every decision you make, it’s taking colleagues away from their own work. There will always be times where asking a second opinion is required and that’s fine, but if you come up with “suggestions” it sounds like you regularly expect other people to make decisions for you, rather than making a decision and getting a second opinion to make sure you haven’t missed anything if you’re not sure . Slight shift in mindset that’s all and i appreciate it might just be how you’ve worded it here rather than how you actually approach it. And of course it depends on the kind of decisions involved and the impact of getting it wrong. I’m sorry for sounding harsh, I think it’s because I know I do it myself if I’m not careful!

Thanks very much everyone - your advice is really helpful. I’ve made a note of the tips you’ve all written here, and will talk through the situation with my mentor as well, which will hopefully help.