This has made me feel so despondent

[homeschoolingsadface]

Like millions of others I'm working from home and trying to home school two primary aged children. My eldest, in year 4, is generally ok and can work pretty much independently. She is also motivated. My youngest is in year 2 and obviously needs a lot more help to do her tasks. The school are really good and have a mainly full timetable of Teams learning - they are taught the lesson online e.g. English and then come off to do their tasks.
My work is quite full on and 90 percent of the time requires a lot of concentration. Obviously this isn't happening at the moment and my employers are understanding but I have to adhere to deadlines, so the work has to be done and I'm currently working on my days off and at weekends. I'm also on calls and have frequent meetings lasting a couple of hours.
This morning my youngest said to me that other kids in her class have their mums sitting next to them assisting with the work and going through everything and, to be honest, it's just made me feel like utter crap. I just can't do this - I haven't got the time. DC are set up with a laptop each (we're very fortunate - I know) and listen on their headphones, so I'm not following the lesson. Obviously I'll help her out when she needs to but I feel like I'm failing her by not sitting along side her and going through everything. I know that there are parents doing this as DD can see them on Teams and I know that these parents are SAHM.
I feel like DD is drowning sometimes with the complexity of the work. She's only 7 and missed most of year 1 (which I consider to be an incredibly important foundation year) because of the first lockdown (there was no online teaching provision then and everything was a few worksheets a day). I'm worried for her as she just doesn't seem to have the learning skills that my older DD had at the same age. I feel so incredibly guilty all the time.
Also just to say DH helps out where he can too but his job is also incredibly busy. He has also just been diagnosed with a life-changing illness.

You aren't alone, FWIW I'm having a similar problem with my DD (also 7yo) and also ended up venting on MN earlier.

It's so hard, they need so much help at this age, and you can only do what you can do. It's impossible to get your work and done and homeschool.

I don't have any practical advice, but I just wanted you to know there are lots of us in the same boat and you aren't a bad mum and shouldn't feel guilty, though I know all too well is easier said than done.

Oh OP it is the absolute worst feeling but you simply can't do everything. You are not a bad mum, mummy guilt is a real thing (WFT, SAHM every combination under the sun).

I never know if other people's anecdotes help or hinder. If you want to hear about how awful i felt as a mum, read on. If not just carry on doing your best. You don't mention the children's father. Is he in a position to help.

I have no advice but i can tell you that when my DC were in primary school i worked really long hours and used a really lovely childminder, i was the only FT working mum in the class, 2 others were PT. Once when i had a day off i collected #2 from school and she ran out shouting "you're like a proper mummy" and i cried all evening about that.

@Brefugee

Oh OP it is the absolute worst feeling but you simply can't do everything. You are not a bad mum, mummy guilt is a real thing (WFT, SAHM every combination under the sun).

I never know if other people's anecdotes help or hinder. If you want to hear about how awful i felt as a mum, read on. If not just carry on doing your best. You don't mention the children's father. Is he in a position to help.

I have no advice but i can tell you that when my DC were in primary school i worked really long hours and used a really lovely childminder, i was the only FT working mum in the class, 2 others were PT. Once when i had a day off i collected #2 from school and she ran out shouting "you're like a proper mummy" and i cried all evening about that.

Oh that makes me wat to cry too @Brefugee I've been that child also (my mum worked full time as a civil servant) and could rarely make it to assemblies, sport day etc and it seemed like everyone else's mum stayed at home. Looking back, having a working mum made me realise that women have an important role to play in the workplace and the importance of having my own money. Usually my girls are absolutely fine with me working but I think with home schooling it is a stark reality that I'm (at the current time) a lot worse off because I have to work. This is where the guilt kicks in.

I have DH and he is brilliant and does what he can but his job is really full on, 5 days a week and he has also just be diagnosed with a life changing condition

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH, I hope he finds people to talk to who can help him come to terms with it. It's hard, but doing that does help x

You're doing your best & that's all you can ask of yourself.

It's a shame for DD that she feels others are getting more support/help with their work, but she doesn't see how you working benefits her in other ways.

Can DD1 help DD2 at all?

I have no advice but i can tell you that when my DC were in primary school i worked really long hours and used a really lovely childminder, i was the only FT working mum in the class, 2 others were PT. Once when i had a day off i collected #2 from school and she ran out shouting "you're like a proper mummy" and i cried all evening about that.

I used to work late shifts, when DS was 4 or 5 he cried and said, "I just want you to do bedtime stories"

It's so damn hard being a working mum at the best of times, right now I'm painfully jealous of SAHMs who have the time to do homeschooling, and got to spend last lockdown going on walks or baking or doing crafts, while I was begging the kids to be quiet so I could join meetings, or sitting them in front of the TV for hours.

We just need to keep reminding ourselves that we are doing our best in a hard time. And eventually it will get easier again

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I was half expecting to get savaged - mainly because I'm at home safe and my children are safe and we're not being exposed by working out in the community. I'm sure and exhausted nurse would swap places with me in a heartbeat, so I need to also put that into perspective.
To answer a question; yes, DD1 does help her but they usually end up squabbling
DH is ok. It's early days for him and he will need to see another neurological specialist before he can get further support. But he is generally ok and coping well.

Hi I’m in a similar situation but with 1. The only help I can offer is to try to find any positives e.g. my son can see me working hard, getting organised, going to formal meetings- it makes me smile to see him picking up some of my attitude and language. He has learnt how to use a laptop and log in to online calls and can advise others with technology. So he’s not doing as much as at school but he is still adapting and learning new skills.

I feel like the messages many teachers are sending out to parents, that you can only do your best, do not feel guilty, and children will not suffer if they don't do all their school work in lock down is aimed directly at you OP.

You’re not alone OP and you’re doing your best. There may be several SAHMs in the class helping their kids out with every piece of work, but I bet there are plenty of others in your position trying to juggle everything. Don’t beat yourself up.

I’m still going into work, DP is working full time from home. The kids have to just get on with it. They’re secondary age, so not such a problem, but if they were primary they’d still have to just get on with it.

Not every family has the luxury of a stay at home parent. Schools will understand that and your dd2 is only small and will catch up. Try not to stress too much.

Everyone is finding this so hard OP, not just you. You are in good company💐

You are doing what you can, your daughter is little - and in the long run you loosing a grip on your MH or loosing your job (especially with your partners illness) will do her much more harm than falling behind a bit now.

Remember that we accelerate kids very young in the Uk, but kids in other education systems catch up to the same level once they are teens. If she’s not as naturally academic as your older daughter I can see you might be more worried but she may well be a late starter, and there is also the option of a tutor next year.

I can see it’s heartbreaking that she mentions other mums sitting with their kids, but I think the only thing to do is try and spend a bit of time reading with her or something so she gets a bit of that (you probably already do.)

Don’t worry too much, this will end

You're doing so well. I only work two days per week and largely fit it around the kids so I just have to manage dd1s workload and her little sister most of the time and honestly I've no idea how people do their own work at the same time. I am one of very few people I know (particularly parents) whose mental health has not suffered this year and I'm sure this is why. Theres so much pressure on parents atm

I am in the same position and just telling myself that she is learning other lessons like independence and self-motivation.

Same here OP, we can't and won't sit with dc for the videos unless they are getting really stuck (Y1 and Y3).

The Y3 helps the Y1 quite a lot because once they're both finished they can watch Disney+ so it's in their interest to cooperate! Ultimately though they are doing the bare minimum and not being stretched. Today wasn't great for anyone's motivation because the Y3 maths was the same as last week's Y1 maths

Op im currently on furlough.
I do not sit with my child during teams (nor does any other parent). I dont think the school would want us to.
If I have a question I can email teacher directly.
I then spend the rest of the morning trying to focus the 8year old who has absolutely no interest in doing any schoolwork.
Ironically I keep thinking if only I were working from home then I wouldn't feel so bad that im doing a terrible job homeschooling!!
I just want to say I think you are doing brilliant.
Im sat doing my childs work (which happens to be welsh....I am not first language welsh so I thank you google for all your assistance!!)
Be kind to yourself op.....I know Im going to be!!

I'm a sahm. My dd has done one piece of work this week. She point blank refuses to do it. I am at my wits end.

I am feeling very despondent too

Very unMumsnet hugs to you all. I've just read an email from the HT which was so lovely it has made me feel like crying all over again. I've also just eaten four biscuits to try and recover

You can't help mum guilt. It's everywhere. But it sounds like you're doing the best you can in ridiculously difficult circumstances.
Unfortunately kids and adults always compare their circumstances to others. It rarely makes us feel better. I sounds like you deserve a massive hug and please know there are kids who's parents are doing sweet FA with their kids. And not because they can't but because they can't be arsed. So you're already doing better than them. This won't last forever xxx

@Wynston

Op im currently on furlough. I do not sit with my child during teams (nor does any other parent). I dont think the school would want us to. If I have a question I can email teacher directly. I then spend the rest of the morning trying to focus the 8year old who has absolutely no interest in doing any schoolwork. Ironically I keep thinking if only I were working from home then I wouldn't feel so bad that im doing a terrible job homeschooling!! I just want to say I think you are doing brilliant. Im sat doing my childs work (which happens to be welsh....I am not first language welsh so I thank you google for all your assistance!!) Be kind to yourself op.....I know Im going to be!!

I must say I was a bit shocked when DD said she can see the other mums sitting on the calls with their kids. I don't think I would do it, even if I had the time (if it weren't for the parental peer pressure!). I'm surprised the teacher hasn't nipped it in the bud but maybe because they are still quite young at 6&7. I know that parents in my older DD's class are definitely not sitting in on the Teams lessons.

You’re not their teacher. You’re working. We have to push back on this expectation because it’s insane.

My kids school specifically made us sign a form about NOT appearing on live classes! (and other things)

Suits me well, I wasn't planning to. I don't sit next to my kids holding their hands in class, available or not I have no intention to be involved in the live classes. What's the point of that?

I wouldn't feel too bad and I would take the "mums sitting" with a pinch of salt. Maybe a mum is there because it's the only way to make their child behave?

Mine are the same ages and me and their dad are both working full time in our coffee shop with the dc working in the back room! I try and help but if customers come in I obviously have to serve them, we need to make a living and this is our only income. I'm just doing my best, 7yo is definitely doing less work than 9yo but neither is doing a full day of schooling!

Don’t beat yourself up. I think that sounds really odd and stifling for the kids! Your daughter is hopefully learning a lot about independence and problem solving. Fwiw I’m on mat leave so chasing a baby and trying to sit in with my 4yo as much as I can. He’s got a full set of lessons in reception including a 90 minute daily zoom and needs a parent pretty much constantly when working. My Y2 just gets in with it and I’m amazed at how her typing and IT skills have blossomed in a month. She loves chatting and typing in the chat box with her friends in the informal sessions. I doubt she’d want me listening in! She asks for help and proudly tells me when she successfully turns in work without me. We have had to discuss proof reading a few times but I think it’s been pretty good for her. I look over everything and review the feedback from teachers at the end of each day.

how are you feeling OP?
My that one DC of mine is now a uni student - she sometimes discusses her course materials with me and i know she's mentioned to them that i did an OU degree while working full time and having the two DC (i have the most supportive DH, i couldn't manage without him). And while at secondary school they had to write about a role model, and she picked me.
Now they are older they have said that they appreciate that i worked all that time to give us a nice home etc and not to worry about having not been a SAHM

I just wanted to post in solidarity to you. I am feeling the same way like I am letting my children and my employer down and it's relentless.

I have no answers or solutions for you but you are absolutely not alone