To leave a good marriage over not much?

[ncnc202121]

I've name changed for this, and I posted in relationships but I'm reposting here for traffic, I hope that's okay.

I'm really struggling at the minute, going round in circles about my relationship with DH. I feel like I've been doing this for years; I go through phases where I'm constantly fantasising about leaving him and then that changes and I feel like I couldn't bear the thought of ever not being with him.

I do love him a lot, he's a good man and in general we have a happy marriage. We've been together for 18 years - since I was 18 and DH 19. He has his own business and is a workaholic and I end up spending a lot of time on my own. I feel like I absorb a lot of his work stress, he often pulls me in to help him out on bits and if he’s not working he’s usually sleeping as he’s exhausted from the hours that he does. There tends to be piles of his work mess dotted around the house, and his job feels suffocating to me sometimes. But that's about his only fault really, and it does mean that we are fairly comfortable financially. He would never change his job as he loves it so much, and I would never ask him to.

I work for myself doing an admin type of role, so I work from home. No DC due to fertility issues but we were planning on trying IVF at the end of the year (potentially, depending on the Covid situation).

On his rare days off, or when we’re on holiday, I can’t even imagine I could ever think about leaving him. And when I do think about leaving, I don't think about finding someone else. I'm not interested. I love the idea of living alone, of having a fresh start, of being able to just please myself. There are some new builds being built close to me and I love the area, I just keep imagining getting one and a golden retriever.

I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this, I feel so guilty. I can also see all the downsides if I did actually leave. I would never want to hurt DH at all. I do really love him. But I don't know how to put these thoughts out of my head and be happy and grateful for the life that I have. I do tend to be a fantasist and have an overactive/anxious mind.

AIBU to consider leaving what is in general a good marriage for no real reason?

OP, there’s this book called “Too good to leave, too bad to stay”.
www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776?tag=mumsnetforu03-21
Might help you clarify some of your thinking.

hi @ncnc202121 I recognise your situations exactly. Its strange I had to check I didn't write the post myself a couple of years back.

I have a few questions. With my partner. He was a wonderful guy and workaholic.

I felt I never wanted to break up with him when we were spending quality time together or when I was feeling vulnerable (he made me feel secure and it's a horrible feeling to not have someone who is always there to support you emotionally when you're so used to it. But when we weren't living our best lives and I wasn't feeling insecure which ws 80% of the time, I felt a bit stagnant. I realized the relationship had run it's course.

Do you recognize this? When do you feel you want him and when do you feel you don't is there a pattern?

I put YANBU to leave him because it took me so long to see that the man I wanted to date was the man I met twice a month on his days off. I had to accept that this wasn't my partner most days and that wasn't good enough for me. I knew if I had a child I would be gambling. Would he spend more time with me, probably not.

Just because you can stay married to someone and be happy doesn't mean it is right for you OP. It seems to be you have a wonderful partner who is not the right man for you.

I think the grass can always seem greener and everyone can sometimes feel a little bored of their circumstances at times... You listed a lot of reasons why you are happy in this marriage, sometimes it helps to separate current circumstances and their effect on your relationship from issues with the relationship itself iykwim.

Covid, running a business, fertility issues are all likely to be stressors on your marriage and imagining an escape might be part of your coping strategy... but doesn’t necessarily mean you really want to start again on your own. If you do fall pregnant things will need to change so maybe you do need to talk seriously about the work-life balance thing with him now, and obviously it is better to sort your feelings out before bringing a child into the mix.

I think life can become monotonous in any relationship and it’s easy to become life colleagues (even more so when you have children) and you need to make time for your relationship to reset and remind yourselves why you’re together, make time to communicate without distractions.

Approaching 40, with the same partner since 18 - I think it’s more than reasonable to question your situation. But there’s a long way between that and divorce.

Without being flippant, you can have a husband and a golden retriever. How could you build on the love and commitment you have for your husband and add the life that you want to lead?

This is why people say marriage is hard and needs communication and flexibility. The assumptions and experience you had as an 18 year old are not the same as you have now. You need a reset, but your reset can still include your husband.

YANBU but it doesn't sound to me like you've given it a fair shot? There's a lot of good in the relationship but it doesn't sound like you've communicated your concerns or given your relationship a chance to change things. Any counselling for instance? Your OH is a workoholic but he might be assuming you're happy with the status quo and would be willing to cut back if it meant saving the marriage.

Also I'd be worried that the grass isn't greener if you don't get to the root of why you're feeling this way. Is it a little bit of a mid life crisis? Feeling time slip by and wanting to try something new?

I guess I'm saying don't make any hasty decisions and at least sort your thoughts out with individual therapy and perhaps consider couples counselling too. As it is now, I think your OH would be completely blind sided otherwise and I don't think that's fair to him or the relationship.

OP, after reading your post I've got an impression the problem is not your husband. I think you should work on making your own life more interesting and fullfilling.

@Juno231

YANBU but it doesn't sound to me like you've given it a fair shot? There's a lot of good in the relationship but it doesn't sound like you've communicated your concerns or given your relationship a chance to change things. Any counselling for instance? Your OH is a workoholic but he might be assuming you're happy with the status quo and would be willing to cut back if it meant saving the marriage.

Also I'd be worried that the grass isn't greener if you don't get to the root of why you're feeling this way. Is it a little bit of a mid life crisis? Feeling time slip by and wanting to try something new?

I guess I'm saying don't make any hasty decisions and at least sort your thoughts out with individual therapy and perhaps consider couples counselling too. As it is now, I think your OH would be completely blind sided otherwise and I don't think that's fair to him or the relationship.

I agree with this. I thought your situation was going to be more like mine with ex-h where we had drifted apart so much that his very presence had begun to irritate me. I turned into a person I didn't want to be. Irritable, snappy and bordering on contempt at times.

Leaving was right for me at that time and he has since gone on to marry someone else, which has really worked for him and they are very happy.

I am still alone and much happier too.

However, you don't seem to be saying that you don't like him anymore. The main issue seems to be his all-consuming work. The problem is that, unless you talk to him about that and suggest ways to improve the situation, you aren't being fair to him. He can't try to make anything better for you if you don't tell him there's a problem.

I think you need to work together to find more of the 'holiday' you.

Date nights. A set day in the week when he works fewer hours and dedicated an evening to you. That sort of thing. Reaching a compromise that means he can still work hard, but not so hard that he has no life outside of it. That would probably be good for his own mental well-being too.

You are imagining a life with your own space and that is totally understandable, but are you prepared to blow up your relationship and really hurt someone to get there? You could be alone in your nice new house feeling utterly crap that you've lost the closest person to you because he is hurt, upset, angry and doesn't want to speak to you again. He might move on with someone else. How would that feel to you?

I wonder what more there is about your relationship that you haven't told us. Are you intimate? Do you share future plans - do those plans (including ivf) look the same to you in terms of organising your lives and work-life balance.

In short - talk to him. You don't need to tell him you are fantasising about leaving, but just focus on a couple of things that you would like to change.

What do you think?

Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

@juno123 I do think 18 years is a fair shot. But you are right in that I do think a lot of these feelings are on me, I do feel time slipping by and that's something I've always struggled with, especially coupled with not being where I thought I would be by now - having a family.

@stuckinatrap I do still think DH is a good man and tries his best to be a good husband. I know that he would do anything for me, and he makes me feel safe. I joke that the one thing I’d take to a desert island would be him, because he’d be able to sort food, shelter and an escape. But there is definitely a lot of contempt and resentment on my part too.

The resentment comes in over things like – I work in general 8-4. He is usually out of the house 7-7 Monday to Friday so I make dinner every night for when he gets home. Then to get an hour together before he goes to sleep, the washing up gets put off until he falls asleep or I do it in the morning after he’s gone to work before I start. I do all the housework, everything, so that when he is home we can spend time together. He normally gets two weeks off in December as his industry shuts down over Christmas, and I book time off then too so we can be together. This year, we had three days and all the rest he spent catching up on paperwork, which I helped him with. I often feel more like his assistant than his wife.

He definitely knows how I feel. We’ve talked about it so many times. We tend to go in a cycle over a few months where everything builds up and it’ll end with me having a break down, crying my eyes out, he’ll have a day off and be so sweet to me and I’ll forget everything. Then the next day, it starts building up again.

Our sex life used to be okay but I feel like unsuccessfully TTC has really destroyed it for me. He is on board with IVF, he wants to have a family too, but he doesn’t envision his daily life to change that much, it would fall to me.

@Iwonder08 yes I do agree with you. My job is fine, but not particularly fulfilling. I don't have loads of friends. We've been TTC so long and I've tried to distract myself with various hobbies that they've all become painful because they're linked to TTC and I don't enjoy them anymore. I do need to find something that brings some interest into my life.

Few people reach the age of 36 and have the same job as they had at 18, or live in the same house, or even have the same friends. But so many people still hold onto a relationship which no longer suits them or doesn’t fulfil them or which they actively resent being in, because they think you need a “better” reason to leave a relationship than just not being happy or meeting each other’s needs anymore. You don’t, just as you don’t need a better reason to leave a job or move house or let an old friendship dwindle.

I think once you’ve begun picturing yourself living elsewhere without somebody and thinking about your “new life”, you’re halfway out the door. Mid thirties is still young, you both have plenty of time to move on and each meet somebody you feel madly about, rather than somebody who’s just convenient and safe. Sure, it’ll be painful for you both in the short term. But can you really live like this for the next four or five decades and call it a success simply because you stayed married?

How are you feeling overall OP? Are you depressed? Do you have a network outside of him? Friends? A social life (in normal times obs).

I think it's difficult when you meet young as you haven't had much chance to date, see what you like and don't like. A chance to have bad relationships to realise what a good one is. (We met at 18 too and now 33 so similar).

You mention kids. Do you actively want them? I know this sounds harsh but if you do, your best bet is to stay in this relationship until you have them given you're nearer to 40 now with fertility issues. Who knows what will happen after but at least you'll both have kids and you may find things work out.

To me - it sounds like you're bored and lonely. His job means you spend too much time alone. I wonder if there's a way you can add more hobbies and people to your life to make you feel more content.

I hate to say it, but a good partner, who is loyal, kind and a good fit is hard to find. I'd be inclined to stay together but make other changes for yourself x

@Iwonder08

OP, after reading your post I've got an impression the problem is not your husband. I think you should work on making your own life more interesting and fullfilling.

This could well be an issue, but it could be an issue jointly of their making.

I had a long relationship with a workaholic - very, very bright and talented academic, very ambitious. He was pretty explicit that my career had to come second to his. I couldn't manage that, so we split.

If (due to him being both a workaholic and successful) you were faced with this same choice early in your marriage and decided to sacrifice your career to his (the opposite choice from the one I made) you may well be lacking stuff that makes your own life interesting and fulfilling, but not entirely through your choice, if you see what I mean.

So it may not be as easy as "make your life more interesting" - if, for e.g., the career you once dreamed of is not so easy to pick back up in your 40s. It's good advice, but it may not be easy to put into practice, and it may not be your fault that you're in this position.