Can you stay friends with people with different values?

[Hollyhoohaa24]

I don't know if this is a good thing or not but I feel like I've become a bit of a loner during lockdown. I've sort of seen that I'm happy in my own company and with high profile things like BLM, Brexit and Covid going on I've seen a lot of different (awful) opinions from people on social media and just thought, god I hate people

But in particular I have a friend who I've known for years. We've supported each other through a lot and our kids are great friends too. But she is very different to me in a lot of ways...for example:

She can be very bitchy and cutting about people but then is overly nice to them. If I don't like someone I'm not rude but I don't go out of my way to be nice either.

She sometimes prioritises men over her kids. Often tells me how her dp says or does quite damaging things to her kids but then the next day it's all forgotten.

She's materialistic and seems to judge people on what they have in terms of cars, homes and things like that.

Throughout covid she has denied it's a real issue and broken the rules consistently.

There are other things too. I've probably painted her as a really awful person there but she does have good qualities too. She's very kind and generous, she is funny and lovely to be around. I would be sad to lose her friendship but because of my own issues and problems at the moment I just feel really pissed off by it.

I know the standard MN response would be block and delete but it's easier said than done when it's a long term friend who id still have to see when our kids to to school together and go to the same clubs.

I just sometimes read things on here and wish I could be RL friends with some of the posters here who seem much more like me!!!

Am I being a bitch or could you overlook these things in a friendship?

Bump

Your friend sounds like my worst nightmare and I would have to distance myself but then the following week when I'm not so venomous and over sensitive I would be able to handle her better/ take her bullshit with a grain of salt.
So no I don't generally take the go NC and LTB advice seriously because we all have our own tolerance levels and real life and relationships are so nuanced.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. At times when I'm feeling venomous and sensitive (which I am a lot at the moment for various reasons) it really bothers me. Other days I think ahhh life's too short to fall out. But I must admit I do wish I had more friends who were on my wavelength.

I used to tolerate some behaviours and attitudes purely because a lot of my friends were lifelong friends. But I was unhappy shrugging some things off.

I started cutting my circle down and the relief was immense. I have three past friends now who I don’t speak to whatsoever, and one I just keep at arms length.

I don’t think there is scope for being true friends with someone who’s got totally different values especially if it’s making an impact on you. Acquaintances maybe, but not friends.

The first two I couldn’t ignore. People may think you have the same values if you are associated with her.

I think when you're spending so much time alone during a very depressing period for many, it's really easy to hone in on the negatives. I've found that small things that wouldn't normally annoy me, have had me spinning. It's fine to be friends with someone who doesn't share the same values as you, as long as their behaviour doesn't natively impact on you. Re her being bitchy, well that's on her and not your problem to deal with. She may act a certain way in front of you but has dealt with issues behind the scenes (such as having a stern word with her DP about his behaviour). I wouldn't dwell on it too much.

Well you don't seem to actually like her much (for good reason) so are you actually friends?

I wouldn't respect her enough to call her a friend but if she was in the same social circle I could manage being friendly acquaintances. Small talk every so often, fine to see her in group gatherings, avoid all topics of conversation where there's disagreement. But not going out of my way to see her one on one and not really confiding in her. I wouldn't bitch about her behind her back to other people in the social circle though.

If I don't like someone I'm not rude but I don't go out of my way to be nice either.

You have the answer in your own words!

That would depend on the values. If it's something that full governs my life, principles, lifestyle then the opposite would clash with each other and life's too short to be around those I regularly clash or argue with/those who disapprove of me or I, them.

If not serious, then we can agree to disagree.

Some of what you wrote would be a no from me as I have really strong opinions about them - I'd just rather not be around that sort of thing/person if I can’t do anything about it. My head would explode for being silent/doing nothing.

What's your wavelength?

Yes it's like the covid attitude bothered me because I have been so careful in my behaviour in order to protect my family and others but she has conveniently decided it's not real so she can do whatever she wants. That bothers me because it's an inherently selfish way to behave and I can't respect it.

By wavelength I suppose I just mean I wish I had more friends who shared my interests and values. I know you can't agree with all of the people all of the time but I would like to have a conversation where I wasn't walking on eggshells knowing that I'm probably spouting off about something she totally disagrees with.

I suppose it's just choosing where your boundaries lie. I fell out with another close friend during the BLM protests as I simply couldn't get on board with her views and I'm not willing to back down when it comes to basic human rights and prejudice.

I think views on politics are a very different thing to differences in how you believe you should treat others if that makes sense. The former I think there is the potential to agree to disagree but the latter is harder to resolve.

Of course you can have friends who have different views and outlooks and ways of living.

There’s a word for it... diversity.

The idea that we can only be friends with people who subscribe to our worldview and have views that don’t offend us is one of the problems with today’s intolerant society.

Whatever happened to agreeing to disagree and having reasoned discussions about things?

Interesting question, thank you. I would agree with others, that as a social low level contact she may be entertaining, but she is draining your reserves.

If you cannot easily demur, and discuss the differences then cheerfully agree to disagree, then you are being silenced and stressed every time her values clash with yours.. An unequal relationship is not friendship. There is no need to be identical, just mutually respectful.

In fact, I'm wondering if her more forceful personality means she has no idea others are not completely in agreement ? Do such people go through their lives assuming, by analogy, that when they make a declaration that City is the world's best football club, and nobody protests, it goes to prove everyone else supports City?

Maybe there's a difference between views and core beliefs. I have friends with v different views on politics, Brexit etc and we get on fine, everyone seems to know when to let go in discussions etc. But they are fundamentally fine, caring, lovely people.

I also suspect that when I'm vocal about my difference in opinion I'm probably being talked about behind my back. No evidence for this, but a feeling. In the past I feel like I've been quite passive in my views and maybe dumbed myself down while around others but lately - maybe due to lockdown, maybe due to other things I've gone through - I just think no, I will be who I am and stand up for what I believe in even if it ruffles feathers.