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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex working away, won't come back to see kids

24 replies

Worakls · 27/01/2021 18:24

So my ex husband moved out January last year. We have 2 kids, 9 and 5. We both work FT, he currently lives a mile from me.
He sees kids EOW and one evening a week. I do everything else. All homeschooling, schools runs, organising everything for the kids. He texts every Thursday morning asking for school lunch bloody choices!
Anyway he is probably taking a new job which involves him working away for 3/4 weeks at a time an hour north of Newcastle (we are on South coast, central). He'll be back for 2/3 weeks then away again for a month.
He hasn't discussed the issues this was cause me and the possible effects on the children.
I barely cope now I'm I'm honest. I am exhausted and have no family to help and friends can't due to covid.
AIBU to expect him to come home on one of his weekends away to see his kids?! He won't even contemplate the idea, says it is too far. I asked what support he'd give then and he said he'd pay for a cleaner..

OP posts:

AStudyinPink · 27/01/2021 18:30

Very selfish of him. I’d tell him I consider the current arrangement null and void, for a start. Let him see the kids when it suits you.

WINKINGatyourage · 27/01/2021 18:32

Ask him what childcare arrangements he has made for his EOW and midweek contact as those times are his responsibility to sort out.

RealisticSketch · 27/01/2021 18:34

Wow. And the kids are so young. He won't put himself out for them! It is a long journey, but when two people really matter... How can you make someone care? It's he doing a great job of thinking the kids won't notice, telling himself it doesn't matter? Get him to explain it to the kids? Maybe if he has to look them in the face and tell them he'll recognise how pathetic that is? 😭

Hankunamatata · 27/01/2021 18:36

It's quite a drive tbh. I lived the otherside of Newcastle and drove to see my dh every other weekend so he would be driving an hour more. It used to take me a minimum 4 hour 30 min drive. And totally exhausting and used so much petrol. So in that sense he isnt being unreasonable. But as a decent co parent he should have talked to you

combatbarbie · 27/01/2021 18:37

Wow, I work on the South Coast and travel back to W Scotland every 2nd weekend when not in lockdowns. He is being very selfish.... Its hardly an arduous journey once on the motorway!

AStudyinPink · 27/01/2021 18:37

So in that sense he isnt being unreasonable.

Of course he’s being unreasonable. He is foisting the tiny proportion of care of his children that he actually undertakes onto someone else without their permission.

Dragongirl10 · 27/01/2021 18:37

Right if he is going to be so selfish turn it to your advantage op, demand as many hours of a cleaner as you can , and extra cash to help you.
Don't let him walk away leaving you with no support, get tough.

Givemeabreak88 · 27/01/2021 18:38

Not sure what you can do if he won’t see them? My ex didn’t see our kids for 3 years, you can’t force someone to be a dad

WINKINGatyourage · 27/01/2021 18:44

Is this new job his only option? Or is he one of those that will take any chance to run from his responsibilities and gets to blame it on work? My ex was one of those.

Has he spoken with his new employer about his situation? Has he asked if they could accommodate him working 2 weeks on 2 weeks off? Or if he could work a 4 day week so he could travel down on the Friday to have the Dc for his contact weekends. Or do they have a more local office/location he could work at? Or could he work from home half the week? Or he could apply for closer jobs. He has two children that live in his current town- he needs to arrange his working life to fit in with his parenting. Don’t just accept this OP. He’s hoping you will. Put all these questions to him. He needs to explore all options. You couldn’t just up and go to Newcastle without planning who would care for your Dc and when you would see them. He doesn’t get to either.

What are his plans for where he will live? Where does he plan to take the DC for contact? Will he keep a home in both cities?

AndcalloffChristmas · 27/01/2021 18:49

Fully sympathise with you OP. It’s crap that he won’t come back - is he going to make up extra time during his 2:3 weeks back? Where he’ll perhaps take on some homeschooling on weekdays? Should be well able to if not working those weeks.

My exh has decided to pick right now - in the middle of the most awful lockdown - to have major building works to his house, making it uninhabitable for the kids. So they are here ALL the time, and he keeps “popping round” to see them! He has taken them for walks but that’s it.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/01/2021 18:52

Is he's going to be a shit Dad op there's nothing you can do

Is he paying child support? How often will be have them when he's home? Make sure what he pays you is adjusted and agree to the cleaner so long as he sends you the money a month in advance (then if he reneges, you can give her notice)

Time4change2018 · 27/01/2021 18:59

On the weeks he is back will he be having children full time or 50/50 at least ?
If he's going to take the job anyway don't fight it but go for the best financial outcome for you and time when he's here for the children ie cleaner, increased CM, afterschool child minder (covid permitting), agreement you need actual real time off when he's back

minniemango · 27/01/2021 19:13

Is he off work on the 2/3 weeks he's back? Could he have them full time those weeks with you doing the eow/night in the week?

Chloemol · 27/01/2021 23:01

So he pays for the kids to go to him EOW

LouiseTrees · 27/01/2021 23:49

Some good suggestions from previous posters. As a single parent ( i’m guessing) could you form a bubble with a friends household if family can’t help?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/01/2021 00:28

Take the money for the cleaner (a month in advance as SleepingStandUp suggested.
Then try and imagine yourself as a widow. No ex-husband and it's all on you. Chances are he will drift further and further away, fewer visits, etc. There are men who leave their wives but not their children but most men do not stay involved. It will be 100% on you to do everything, so start preparing yourself now.
You cannot make a man be a good father or a good husband. He doesn't care if you are tired or stressed. Take the money while he is giving it, and prioritize things in your life so you get a little time to relax. Don't count on him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/01/2021 00:36

look it sucks

however you can make this work..

He could have more time when he returns..

Maybe depending when he takes the job do some of the homeschooling so you can work.

You need to get him to come up with a plan....it isn't yours to resolve.

The only thing I will say is you can manage because that is what we do.. I say this as a lone parent with a child with SN and no family support..You do it because you just have to, we do pick up the pieces.

I assume it is higher paid job so he can up the maitanence.

Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 28/01/2021 04:44

@Hankunamatata

But you did the trip just to see your adult husband. But you think it’s not unreasonable for him to make the effort for his children?

SuperCaliFragalistic · 28/01/2021 05:33

@GeorgiaGirl52

Take the money for the cleaner (a month in advance as SleepingStandUp suggested. Then try and imagine yourself as a widow. No ex-husband and it's all on you. Chances are he will drift further and further away, fewer visits, etc. There are men who leave their wives but not their children but most men do not stay involved. It will be 100% on you to do everything, so start preparing yourself now. You cannot make a man be a good father or a good husband. He doesn't care if you are tired or stressed. Take the money while he is giving it, and prioritize things in your life so you get a little time to relax. Don't count on him.

I agree with most of this especially that you can not make a man be a good father and that in your circumstances you can't count on him. I don't agree that most men do not stay involved as most, if not all, seperated couples I know have decent, long term, arrangements where the children see their father regularly. Although I have very little respect for my ex i know he wouldn't consider a job that took him away from his children. If he did it would have to pay enough that he could afford to fly home EOW or we would work together so the kids could have extended visits with him when he is back so the overall contact remained the same. If he wanted this to work, he could make it work.

Original poster

Worakls · 28/01/2021 11:29

Thanks everyone. Some really helpful suggestions.
To answer some questions...
No when he's back, he will still be working but from home.
Yes he does pay a good amount of maintenance. He earns a 6 figure salary and tends to just offer money as a solution. Honestly, I'd rather have less money and him see his kids more.
He has often worked away. My eldest is 10 and I worked out for half his life, his dad has worked away 😔. Unfortunately ex loves the excitement and change of scenery (and the opportunities to meet women to sleep with, but I'm not bitter shit the affairs at all !).
I will ask him to see the kids more when he's back but it's hard as the kids don't like being away from me, especially DS who has a difficult relationship with him, so I have to balance their needs too.
I wish I could friends to help etc, bloody virus does not help! I may have to beg for a childcare bubble but my 3 closest mates wouldn't I don't think due to extra risks..

OP posts:

Pieinthesky11 · 03/02/2021 01:51

Cleaners are such a blessing though not like bloody exes

lyralalala · 03/02/2021 02:01

Rant away about him

However, after that work out what you need to make this work - a cleaner, paid childcare hours, more kid activities (post covid) etc

There is zero point focussing on what he should do because he’s not going to do it. I wasted a fucktonne of energy on what my ex should do for years and it wasn’t until a counsellor suggested that it was actually only impacting me and he didn’t care that I clicked

rawlikesushi · 03/02/2021 02:08

That's rubbish but, based on the similar experiences of several friends, I'd resign myself to being a single parent, make whatever accommodations you can to make your life manageable, ask him for whatever you need while he still feels guilty, and take whatever time he has them as a bonus.

Becles · 03/02/2021 07:22

Ask him why can't he make arrangements for the kids to go to him eow?

Or better yet while it's home schooling and such he can have them one week at a time to minimise the impact of the journey.

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