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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To punish both the same?

26 replies

heatherpot · 27/01/2021 14:52

Just had the most mortifying email from ds's teacher with a screenshot of an inappropriate message he put in chat during a Teams lesson yesterday. It's a stupid, not malicious, comment containing the work 'fuck', followed by apologies and claims it was a mistake after being told off. He told the teacher, and now me, that his sister made him do it. he's in year 8 and sister 2 years older.

They both admit she was in his room and they were messing around at the time (both were in Teams lessons) but she denies making him do it. Ds claims dd pushed him or he wouldn't have posted it, dd says she didn't push him.

I am so angry with both of them and so ashamed. Bloody Y8 putting 'fuck' in the chat?!! I'm a single parent and wfh full-time, on Teams myself half the time and they know this. I can't watch them all the time. This is the first time I've had a negative comment about either in the 10 years they've been in school and I'm mortified. Up to now I've been having positive emails weekly about them both saying how much work they're handing in.

I plan to say no phones or screens at all tonight. They're then at their dad's (he ignores all communication from me so no point telling him) so not a lot I can do after that but will say I have to see all perfect work fromThurs and Fri if they want it back Friday night.

Does treating both the same seem fair in this?

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 27/01/2021 14:54

You know your children best; it sounds like you know that your DD had some form of involvement and wasn’t sitting innocently doing her own work while he did it independently so yes punish them the same.

HitchFlix · 27/01/2021 14:56

Your son needs to learn to stand up to peer pressure. So even if DD did egg him on (which you can't know for sure) he was still the one who did the crime so to speak. If I was punishing I would just punish him and give her a good talking to. I'm not in the UK so not sure of their ages I'm guessing early teens?

BornIn78 · 27/01/2021 14:56

He's Year 8 so what, age 12 or 13.

Unless his older sister physically held his fingers and pushed the keys with them to type 'fuck' and whatever dickish comment he made along with it, he's a bit old for "boo hoo my sister made me do it" excuses.

No I wouldn't punish both of them.

DinosaurDiana · 27/01/2021 14:56

I’d make sure they’re in separate rooms from now on.

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 14:58

I would believe dd. Even if she did goad him he should have said no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/01/2021 14:59

They were messing around. They can both have consequences. TBH I'd want them to learn a lesson about losing a job if this happens. Talk about how to prevent this, talk about who could see this etc.

Original poster

heatherpot · 27/01/2021 15:00

Yes, they have been told to stay out of each other's rooms now. I feel sorry for them and it's so depressing us all sitting isolated on different devices all day but that's the way it'll have to be if they can't be trusted. I'm gutted.

OP posts:

Godimabitch · 27/01/2021 15:02

I'd punish just the son. She may have encouraged him, she may not have. He did the bad thing, but he chose to do it and you dont get to blame other people for your mistakes.

Freddiefox · 27/01/2021 15:04

@heatherpot

I voted yanbu, but reading this I’d just leave it for both of them. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, how hard it is, and earn them of it happens again you’ll be punishing him/her. But give yourself a break.

VinylDetective · 27/01/2021 15:05

@heatherpot, stop being gutted. It’s not ideal but it’s not the end of the world either. If this is the worst your kids ever do, your life will be a rose garden.

MadameButterface · 27/01/2021 15:05

mine have a similar age gap but are y6 and y8, and they have this thing where the younger one adores the older one and is desperate for him to play with him like they used to when they were smaller and best of friends all the time, but my older one is quite aloof and resists and brushes him off quite a lot. my eldest is not above using the youngest's hero worship of him to get what he wants from time to time (eg youngest will share sweets etc with oldest, oldest would rather poke both his eyes out than share anything with youngest ).

on that basis, yes I would punish both equally because I can well see that if they have a similar dynamic, the youngest would be desperate for the eldest's approval/companionship etc, especially at the current time. I mean, we don't tell women in coercive relationships that 'well he didn't physically make you do xyz you're an adult' do we? we recognise that power structures in relationships have an effect on people.

and please don't beat yourself up over this op. I am sure the teacher has seen far far sillier and more disruptive behaviour. I know it doesn't make it ok, before all the perfect victorian parents jump on me, but these are hard times and no one is being their best self 24/7 atm.

MessAllOver · 27/01/2021 15:14

I'd punish DS but give DD a good talking to about encouraging her brother to cause trouble and why that's unacceptable.

Is she familiar with Shakespeare's Iago (Othello), by any chance? That springs to mind .

KnowlWay · 27/01/2021 15:18

First offence. Be stern, explain possible consequences and how online should be as respectful as class. No punishment. It won’t help. Times are very difficult. He’s got the attention. If it happens again go in with no screen/phone etc but not yet.

Rowenasemolina · 27/01/2021 15:24

You’ve got evidence that one has done wrong. You have no evidence the other has. Even if your Dd did encourage him, he still shouldn’t have gone it. Punish the boy and not the girl

mommybunny · 27/01/2021 15:26

I see no issue punishing DD too, she shouldn’t have been in DS’s room. There’s a reason you made that rule and there’s a consequence to breaking it. Maybe she’ll stay in her own quarters for school now.

That said OP, I totally understand how mortified you are - I would be too. And it’s something I could totally see my own DCs doing - similar age gap, bored to demented distraction, constantly winding each other up. But from a distance I can say that you don’t need to beat yourself up about it, especially if it’s a one-off. No, you can’t watch teenagers every second and no sane teacher expects you to. Impose your reasonable consequences then move on.

ElectraBlue · 27/01/2021 15:27

A teenager said fuck...big deal. Simply remind them that they should keep their language clean when dealing with school matters but frankly there are bigger problems in the world right now....

InTheDrunkTank · 27/01/2021 15:28

I doubt DD physically forced him althoughI bet she encouraged him and he wouldn't have done it alone. I think the same consequences for both is fair. It's definitely not ideal OP but at least it was just silly not something really awful!

Imiss2019 · 27/01/2021 15:29

I’d punish him because he chose to do it. I’d take your dd aside and as 15 year old tell her that you don’t need this sort of stress and embarrassment and that she needs to step up and be more mature and help you out not create problems.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 27/01/2021 15:33

I think you need to calm down. We are a year into a pandemic, I assume they've largely been at home not going to school, not seeing friends, not having much of a life.
I think a message, followed by FUCK is obviously not ideal, but not I'd it the end of the world as we know it.

Assuming the message was pretty obnoxious, but no real harm in it.

I'd really just have a word with them, telling them that I was 'disappointed' in them and embarrassed that my child would do that.

Make them apologise to the teacher & anyone else it might have hurt/offended

And be sure they understand it is NOT to happen again

I'd have a private talk with DD to understand what her part in it was (if any) and explain to them that 'he/she made me do it is NO excuse' then I'd bite them witless about peer pressure & telling an adult ... they'd be begging to be flogged 🤣

MagnoliaBeige · 27/01/2021 15:35

I wouldn’t punish both, your DS needs to learn self control as “they made me do it” doesn’t cut it in the real world! But it’s really not the end of the world, I wouldn’t be too harsh.

PicaK · 27/01/2021 15:38

If that's the worst they've done I think you are an amazing awesome parent tbh. You should be claiming the moral high ground and sneering at the rest of us.
Seriously though. I think call crap on his plainitive excuses and her "not my fault" stuff.
Is 8t a time for saying you've upset me, and you've both let yourselves down. And if they're showing true remorse give them a hug, order a pizza in and have some family time.
I've found myself stressed and acting of character recently. Life is really hard atm. If they can admit guilt/remorse then a bit of tlc showing you appreciate its hard for them too might be good.
I'm not saying let them off, pretend it's OK but I do think the misery of separate rooms seems to punish you all atm and not actually help in a constructive way.

wrongleverkronk · 27/01/2021 15:40

I'd be tempted to say they both loose some screen time today and that's it.

Our school sent out an etiquette guide for online learning. Basically behaving as you would in class.
Typing duck into a lesson chat is very immature. I'd be having a conversation about how stupid it was. There is clear evidence and it makes him look foolish rather than clever.
Emphasis how disappointed you are with them both.

I think they do need different rooms for the school day. They can play and chat at break and lunch.

HettieHelvetica · 27/01/2021 15:45

I wouldn't punish both. She may or may not have encouraged him, and he may or may not have given in to peer pressure, but ultimate he is responsible for his own actions.

Mine are younger, so I have the teen stage to come, but I try really hard never to make my eldest "responsible" for his siblings or their actions, which is where I'm coming from on this. Growing up, I was often told "you're older than him, YOU should know better", so I'm perhaps a little over sensitive to things like this.

HardAsSnails · 27/01/2021 15:49

It's really not a big deal. This is a learning opportunity not a reason to punish. People swear, most of us learn to not doing it at the wrong time but occasionally we fuck up, your ds has just learned an important lesson.

AStudyinPink · 27/01/2021 16:08

I wouldn’t punish both of them at all. What does he mean, she ‘made’ him?

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