To not know how to parent?

[User1704]

Sorry probably not aibu but it gets the most response.
Probably a long waffley one too sorry just want to get everything out.
I need help, I’ve been a terrible parent and I’m letting my kids down well mainly my 3 year old.
My 3 year old is becoming out of control but it’s fully my fault he’s had no boundaries really. After seeing a news article I realise I’ve been a passive parent (never heard of this) everything I read is me!
I didn’t start off this way but it’s what I’ve became. We’ve had a lot going on I have a 10 year old son who is disabled who’s been home most of the year now due to schools being closed. I also had a baby during this time so to make life easier my 3 year old has just been allowed to do what he wants. Mainly because his tantrums set a huge meltdown off in my older son so it’s been so whatever is going to make him happy the quickest so I can deal with the eldest or baby.
It’s breaking my heart I’ve let him down. Every single day now is a constant battle with him I ask him not to do something he tells me no and in the end I let him do it anyway. I tell him if he does something I’ve asked him not to do he’s going for a time out, then never actually take him. He won’t leave his baby brother alone climbs on top of him constantly. I honestly just dread waking up at the minute but it’s all my fault.
How do I start changing this? Have I damaged him? He’s just turned 3.
We’ve tried the last few days to make changes but because he’s been so used to doing what he wants I feel like it’s been meltdown after meltdown over the tiniest things so we’ve just gave in. I know I’m making excuses but it’s been hard to explain to him he can’t do things he sees his brother doing. For example his brother is a climber windowsills being his favourite. He is non verbal and very very minimal understanding so we’re just constantly getting him down. He lashes out when getting his nappy changed or clothes on kicks out really bad but he doesn’t understand it’s more about just keeping yourself safe then telling him off he doesn’t understand. My 3 year old sees this and obviously copies everything he does. He starting to know his brother is different but doesn’t fully get it yet.
He’s not a total monster he can be very loving. He’s clever he potty trained early with no problems, he’s a good talker and understands well.
We’ve got no routine the whole house has to go with what ever is best for eldest.
Where do I start here?
Im ashamed I actually don’t know how to parent but that’s my one job and I can’t even do that!
Do I stick with the time out but actually enforce it? I know it’s going to be hard to undo all this but can it be done? I haven’t made a monster have I?
Sorry for rambling I’m embarrassed to say to it anyone in real life just trying to get everything out
Thankyou if you’ve made it to the end!

It's ok for him to have tantrums when you put boundaries in place. It will take time.

There's a lot to unpick here, the main thing I would start with is being consistent, if you threaten with a punishment you have to follow through, by giving in he knows if he keeps tantrumming he will get his own way in the end.
I think once you start with firm boundaries he will soon start to learn how to behave.
It sounds very tough though so don't beat yourself up, we all do things for an easy life, it's good that you recognise it while he is still young and his behaviour is correctable.

Just to say it is totally normal for just turned 3 year olds to behave like this. Even the ones who’ve had firm boundaries their whole life! So please don’t think you’ve let him down or messed things up.

Unfortunately the next year or two will be all about being consistent, telling him to do or not do the same thing all over again.

I really hope you can get your eldest back in school asap to give you more time and space. Do you have any sort of help? A partner? Support or childcare bubble? Any respite care?

I'd suggest giving him choices between 2 options yours happy with. I.e. "do you want me or daddy to change your nappy? Do you want to wear this or this?" Let him have some choices on unimportant things. Lots of talking. Do some role play where you break the rules and he tells you off. Ask for his help and try to get some one on one time. Try to get some routine, even if more activity following activity instead of to a clock (i.e. meals are always followed by outside time, then story time)

I am sure you can improve things but be prepared for a tough few days whilst you set the new rules and 3 year old gets used to it.
I would sit down one evening and think about what are the most important 3 things you want to change (pick your battles - don't try and change everything at once). Then decide what you will do if he does those things. I am not sure punishment such as time out is the best solution at this age as it will be difficult to enforce and probably make them upset. I would go with a stern tone of voice and physically stopping him doing whatever it is, then try and refocus him onto something positive. You will have to be very persistent at first. But don't shout or get into a discussion just repeatedly say no you can't climb on there and get him down. Suggest something else he can climb on. It will probably be quite exhausting initially so I would just pick a couple of major issues and let everything else go to begin with. Try and give him lots of opportunities for positive behaviour and if he is upset don't give in but make he knows he can come for a cuddle and do an alternative positive activity when he feels ready. Unfortunately this age is constantly testing the boundaries and they are also too young to really control their impulses, so you just have to keep on calmly repeating yourself, physically stopping them doing things, redirecting them, etc, easier said than done when you have 2 others I am sure. Can you put your younger 2 in nursery for a day or 2 a week, just to get a break?

As for how to parent: I would say pick your battles, but then stick to them.

So for example pick 3 things that are absolute NOs like climbing on high furniture, climbing on his baby brother and one other. Explain those are not ok and he will get time out and then yes absolutely do the time out. Let everything else go for now.

3 year olds can be a nightmare & push boundaries anyway! They have to learn self control, social norms etc etc. You have to be consistent. The enforcing time out & boundaries will mean he'll kick off & it won't be an instant fix, it takes time & persevering.. I'd advise you binge watch Jo Frost, SuperNanny on YouTube She is amazing with exactly your issues . With regard to copying your eldest, you can explain that your eldest is different because of his disability. As you say, he's twigged his brother is different so just reinforce it. Your routine should be what works for you. Children find security & safety in it: & akso in knowing your expectations behaviour wise. A chaotic life without rules & boundaries can be stressful & scary for young children & they'll react accordingly .

Thanks a lot everyone for the replies. Some good advice definitely going to look at jo frost YouTube and just buckle up for a bit of a tough time with him!
My eldest sons school is open (special needs school) but only taking some students I think I’m going to look at him maybe going in a couple days. It will give him a break from the constant noise and help me not give in

If he’s three then he’ll qualify for some free hours at nursery. Find a good one you like and send him for a few days a week for free - it’ll give him stimulation and structure, prepare him for school and ensure he’s learning rules and socialisation somewhere.

Do not give him sugary foods or fizzy drinks/squash at all. Make sure he has three filling meals a day and healthy snacks of fruit/rice cakes/toast in between. Do not allow any time on iPhones/tablets or games consoles at all - all of these things will help his behaviour.

Tell a health visitor you’re struggling and ask for a Home Start referral or to be put in touch with your local children’s centre- they won’t judge you but they will help you with parenting advice. Ask your GP if you suspect your DS has any SEN.

Lastly, ensure you clearly show your child lots of love: praise, affection and cuddles. But be firm with boundaries. No means no. If he tantrums, let him get on with it. Don’t give in. When he finishes kneel down by him, tell him you’re there, you’re listening, you know he’s upset but that it’s important you keep him safe, so he can’t jump off the furniture or swing off the curtains or whatever he was doing. Give him a hug and offer to do some drawing or playing with him.

Good luck.

Also: routine and consistency are so important. If you can ensure the same time for meals, trip to the park, bath, stories and bed every day.