Excuse me while I vent

[DazedandConfused27]

I'm going through a really shit time at the moment. I've posted about in in previous threads but basically my dad is in a hospice in his last few weeks.

I've been helping my ds with his school work this morning while simultaneously trying to do my own work. I've had time off when we first got dads diagnosis but I thought I'd attempt to get back into it today. So many emails to reply to. Ds wants my help with school work and I've just had a massive meltdown, in furious snotty, hacking sobs because his stupid bastarding school portal wouldn't accept the right answer to a grammar question that we both tried submitting numerous times.

Poor ds looked very alarmed and went and got me a tissue and said don't worry it's ok mummy.

Fuck this shit. Just fuck everything. I feel awful for frightening him and losing my rag. I feel like I'm under so much pressure and heartache with my dad that I could break. I'm sorry I just need to vent.

Vent away

Do you have any real life help? Does ds school know the situation?

I'm so sorry. It sounds so shit.

Give ds a hug. I think you both need it. Deep breath. Can you email his school and let them know there's a problem with the site?

And god yes vent here all you want

School are aware but the work still comes and I'm trying to keep things normal for ds for as long as possible. I think I've tried to be strong for him and my mum and today I've just lost the plot myself.

vent here op, we all know the sorrt of feeling you describe although the very sad situation with your dad is so much harder.

Your Ds will be fine, and was sweet to give you a tissue...

Be kind to yourself as much as you can

I'm sorry for all the shit you're dealing with. Venting is ok.

Please don't beat yourself up for getting overwhelmed - you're human, you're going through a tough time, you have normal emotions about that and sometimes they demand to be felt regardless of how convenient the timing.

Being strong doesn't have to mean hiding your emotions from everyone (as then you tend to explode like a pressure cooker). Sometimes being emotional with someone can be a source of strength to both sides when you're going through something awful.

When my parent was dying we all started out trying to protect each other by crying alone or bottling it up. Somewhere along the way we discovered that for us being able to sit and cry together and just be with each other in those moments of distress helped, and it made us feel less alone and more connected to each other. Which has been a comfort since losing them.

I know we're all different, so I'm only sharing in case it's helpful to know that showing your distress doesn't mean hurting people - not to tell you what to do.

Your son sounds lovely and caring. I also think hugs might be good for you both.

Is it possible to put an auto reply on your email saying that due to family reasons, emails may take long to be dealt with?
It might offer you a bit if extra time to deal with stuff, or people may be able to find another route?
You are never alone on MN, 24/7 someone will be here for you.

Take care OP.

Thank you all ever so much. I am feeling very lonely in my grief and feelings at the moment so it's really helping to come here and purge a bit.

Just another one to say feel free to vent away OP, everyone needs to and it is really shit. And very importantly - don't beat yourself up for having a meltdown- you're human and we all get overwhelmed sometimes in such challenging situations.
Your son sounds like a sweetie for bringing you a tissue.
Do you have a close friend IRL you could also vent to?

When my Mum was dying I had a lovely group of friends who were going through similar. It really helps to be able to talk about what's happening and let those thoughts and feelings out. Must be so hard at the moment without being able to meet friends and get some support. It's doubly hard when you're also trying to support others.
How is your Dad doing? Are you able to see him or do the hospice keep you updated?

Vent away. I cant imagine how stressful all that is. Had a relative in a hospice a few years ago and cant.imagine having so many competing priorities while that was going on

Oh OP, just do what you have to do to get by. Your son is clearly bright and perceptive, he will be fine. See if you can get some compassionate leave from work. I'm sorry about your dad. These are not normal times, don't expect normal performance.

Thank you so much for the kindness. It means so much at the moment.

We are still able to visit the hospice which I'm very grateful for. Cue more guilt for being away from ds for several hours a day but I know that can't be helped.

I have friends to talk to but nobody really understands. Everyone is struggling with lockdown but sometimes I have no patience for their moans when I'm going through this on top of lockdown. That's shitty of me though.

I'm so proud of ds he's such a kind and caring little boy. I just wish this wasn't happening to us all.

My DD was 7 when we went through this, she was such a brave little girl and really helped me see things in a different way. It's hard when your kids have to deal with stuff like this when you would still like life to be uncomplicated for them.