To think that social anxiety has destroyed my life?

[greengoldgreen]

I just don't know what to do any more.

I'm in my thirties and I've never been able to hold down a job for very long due to my crippling social anxiety. When I'm around people, I'm terrified. I have very little confidence and can't seem to improve that no matter what I do.

I've had therapy, with lots of different counsellors for 10 years. The lady I'm seeing at the moment is great, but I just can't seem to move past this. I've had to rely on other people or benefits to get through life, which I hate - having no money makes me feel like a child.

I've always been a quitter too, I try lots of different things but give up because of fear. When I get worked up I don't sleep. I wanted to work on this last year by getting out and joining groups but Covid has put a stop to that. When I'm in a group of people I go mute. When I try to speak I'm all shaky and my words get jumbled. I think this baffles others at times or just makes them uncomfortable as they don't get it.

I'd love to aim to go to university in 2022 but I don't know how to get myself to a point where I could cope. At times I think maybe it would be better if I was dead, even though I don't want to die, I just can't see a way through this.

What would you do if you were me?

I take pills,therapy does not work i settled for a low stress job.Made the most of what i could get my hands on,i accepted i am never going to have a career and friends well i have my other half so thats better than nothing.I stopped aiming so high and took little steps to get something

I presume you are young as you mention hoping to go to uni. If so you have plenty of time to gain confidence as you get older. Therapy and meds may help too.
My advice would be to study/do something that really interests you (rather than something that you think you should study/would get you the best-paid job). This is more likely to bring you into contact with people on your wavelength. Also, don't worry about being tongue-tied in groups of people, just concentrate on talking to the individuals you feel you have some affinity with, or just the person who happens to be next to you.
I hope things improve for you. Remember lots of people are socially anxious. You don't always meet them so much because many stay at home, but there will always be a few in any large group.

Rosy - sorry that you suffer with it as well, it's awful. Can I ask what you do for work?

ZaZa - I'm 32, I think it's why it's getting me down so much, as it feels like I should have 'grown out of it' by now. I dropped out of uni in my 20s, which I've always regretted, but I think back to the times I had to speak in front of everyone shaking like a leaf and don't know if I can do it again.

Thankyou for your wellwishes, I appreciate it.

i work in a kitchen,just a fry cook.I am the same age, with medication i can enjoy life but to keep trying to achieve uni never going to be a option.I find it just brings you down when you try try and try so much .I settled have a family its not bad just making the most of what i can get

Greengoldgreen I'm sorry for what you are going through. Have you ever been on Citalopram? I take 20mg a day and feel so much better for it. It is an antidepressant but helps social anxiety too.

I have this too but finds it lessens the more I get to know the audience. When I started my current job age 28 I was asked to say a few things about me during a team meeting of about 8 people. I was petrified and my voice trembled as I spoke. As I got to know them more they became less intimidating to me and so my next task was to speak in front of the wider department of about 40 people. Again I was petrified and shaking but I've done it a few times now and think it gets a bit easier each time. The key for me is knowing what I'm going to talk about as I hate being put on the spot. I think its manageable now but I'm never going to be a great public speaker and I can see my career will suffer for it.

I don’t have social anxiety, but I have had anxiety for many years - It didn’t stop me living my life but it was constantly there, racing thoughts in my head and always being in a slight sense of panic.

About ten days ago I started on anxiety medication and it feels like it has changed my life already. I can’t believe the difference in me, it feels like I can now see what life should be like, how life is for others and makes me realise how damaging my previous way of life was.

Have you ever tried medication?

What do you do at the moment, Green?
I still believe the best way forward is to do something with like-minded people, whether it's uni or work. Otherwise, maybe some kind of work where you're helping other people, whether that's children, older people, mental health or training to be a midwife (or any number of other things). Helping others often improves self-esteem.
I don't think all uni degrees involve giving presentations either - what are you thinking of studying?

I used to be exactly the same, I'm still not great in large groups of strangers, but nothing like the half stammering, half mute nervous wreck I was for so many years.

You don't get better at something by avoiding it. Try to get a job where you deal with people all day every day. Eventually mindless chit chat will become second nature to you and you'll realise that nobody really cares that much what you're saying or doing. Making mistakes and being forced into situations makes you stronger in the long run. It's terrifying but so, so worth it.

Good luck!

Are you me? Every word you've said I could've written

@rosydreams glad to hear you have things in life you enjoy, for what it's worth I think you've done really well to hold down your job.

@EvieBoo2 Thanks. I haven't tried meds for a long time, (apart from propranolol) I did try Citalopram in my early 20s but I didn't feel any different so came of it. I'm quite nervous about antidepressants as I hate the thought of side effects as I have other health stuff going on too. Do you find they affect your sleep?

@IsItAllOverYetPlease That sounds like it must have been really hard for you, I know the trembly voice feeling all too well. Glad it got easier though! I think that's my downfall I find it hard to push through. Were people understanding about your nerves?

OP , I've had to take medication in the past. I'm going to be really honest and say that the various bouts of counselling that I've had were great at addressing the issues but not so great at helping me to deal with the issues.
Medication actually helped and my GP was amazing at monitoring and , subsequently, helping me to wean off. The medication kick started my self help journey.
I remember a conversation that I had with her. It revolves around thinking that if someone came to her with a broken limb , she'd help to fix it. If someone went to her with a broken mindset, she would help to fix it.
Much of anxiety/depression/fear/misery involves the brain making enough seratonin to cope with life. If your brain isn't making enough serotonin then there will be an imbalance.
Please ask for more help. You shouldn't be living a life of misery.

@ZaZathecat I'm on ESA, but looking to come off it over the next few years as I find it soul destroying. I'm doing an online Journalism course as I was interested in possibly doing copywriting/article writing from home. My local uni has a professional writing degree which I thought might be good.

I like the idea of Occupational Therapy but not sure if that's a step too far. Ironically I have physical health issues too (Ehlers Danlos) so I'm not sure if I could manage it full time.

Think you're right about like-minded people, it's just hard at the moment due to Covid.

@WhereDoMyBluebirdsFly thanks for your message, that gives me a bit of hope that things can improve. You're right about the avoidance.

@rainbownamebow sorry you can relate, at least we're not alone.

I hope the journalism works out but keep an open mind. Best of luck.