To be gutted that DP has broken his promise to me (even though its not really his fault)

[lucyellensmum]

My DP is establishing his business, i know this is tough, i help with the admin sometimes, but he has worked pretty much 24/7 for the past four weeks. We have not had more than about a rushed hour together over the weekends, and he has pretty much not been around for DDs bedtime. Then he comes in and falls asleep on the sofa. I am suffering from depression but i have not given him a hard time, because i know he is working hard for us.

I am a SAHM and i love it, i had a good job before and whilst i miss it i have decided not to go back to work until dd goes to school (she is 2.3). I do get so desperately lonely and one of our favourite things was to go out as a family, simple places like the beach, or just even shopping or swimming. Its been so long since we have done that and i really need to have some time with DP. I feel like i havent seen him. He has a job that is due to finish this week and he had promised me (on my insisntance) that before the start of the next job he would have a day out with me and DD. I was really excited. This morning i could see that the job was delayed, so i said, oh, it doesnt look like we will get our day out. So he said, well i didnt say it would be this week !! If thats the case, why has he for the last few days been saying to me "where do you want to go for our day out, are you looking forward to it".

I tried really hard to not show how disappointed i am, but i could barely disguise it. So now i know he is pissed off with me for making him feel guilty. I have given him such a hard time over the past two years (severe PND and anxiety which i am now getting treatment for, finally) that i try not to load him with my problems as it is not fair on him. But i am GUTTED, as i know that once he starts the next job (on monday) it will be another stretch of no weekends for another 3-4 weeks.

He even said to me yesterday (i had first counselling session) when he asked how it went, he said, oh i know its hard for you being home all day every day, he said, "at leat i get to go out to work and mix with different people"

I do go to M&T but i dont fit in and the conversation rarely passes the small talk stage.

So today i feel incredably sorry for myself and like i would like to crawl back into bed and stay there

LEM, I know just how hard it can be being a SAHM, it is lonely, but like everythign it has its pros and cons, I assume the pros mean more to you.
As for spending time with dp what time does he get in from work?
When I feel like I havent seen DP at all, I will do a meal for us, doll myself up a bit, make something I know he'll really like and force some conversation out of him! It can be really lovely.
Spending time as a family is going to be harder, is there a day you could keep DD up later? Get a dvd and some popcorn and all snuggle on the sofa with a quilt?
Not the same as a day out I know, but still some time with DP.
FWIW, I dont think you are unreasonable for being disappointed and you sound like you understand and appreciate dp an awful lot, just try not to make things that are unavoidable coming between you.

Tbh you probably are being unreasonable but there are so many isues going on that it is understandable.
Do you go to one M&T group a week? The trick is to go to as many as possible until you find some that you like. Try and get out of the house everyday at least once. The best thing to do is plan the week like you would at work - so an activity for every morning and every afternoon even if it's just to the local shop to get milk.
So is his new job 7 days a week do you mean?

dooley, i do all of that, i go to a different group every day, but thats about it, its the same each day, play with dd , but she wants to do her own thing, so i just sit there looking lost.

I can't see how i am being unreasonable as i actually havent said anything to DP as i know he is under pressure and its not his fault.

It still doesnt stop me from feeling that i have nothing to look forward to. I wish he would just get a bloody job sometimes, instead of trying to do this business (he is a builder) that way we would have regular money, finances are tight in a big way and i would actually have him home at weekends. But that is me being selfish i know as this is all he has ever wanted to do.

Hi LEM
I completely understand where you are coming from.
You probably feel selfish expressing such emotions, but you can't help it.
You know that your DH is working for you and your DD, but that doesn't make you feel any better when you are alone in the house with a baby 7 days a week.
Your rational mind tells you that it's an unavoidable situation and that you shouldn't complain, but even so...

I'm afraid that I have many of the same emotions in my life. I too am yet to find a good answer.
Like you, I try to avoid giving my DH and hard time or make him for feeling guilty for working so hard. However, it does feel like he doesn't do everything he could to spend time with our DD and me.

I guess we need to make sure our DHs know how we feel, but in such a way as to not make them feel guilty.
The other advice you've already had is excellent too, try to make the most of the little time that you do have together, even though it's not a full day at a time.
It is also important to get out of the house everyday. It doesn't have to be organised groups, but to the shops, the park, a friend's house or even just a walk around the block.

You're not the only one in such a situation (not that hearing that makes it any easier for you to handle on a day to day basis.)
I hope that you find a way to release your stress and that your DH expresses some understanding.

thanks everyone. I do feel better now. Poor DP rang me to ask some advice over a difficult client and i just mithered on feeling sorry for myself [selfish brat emoticon], i managed to really upset him. I have apologised and he said that he does understand, he is just really up against it at the moment. We will get our day out soon enough. i just sometimes have to realise that the world doesnt revolve around me. We had a good time at M&T this morning so that cheered me up a bit.