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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Depressed partner, when to stop trying. Please help.

19 replies

Beelzebop · 26/01/2021 11:12

Aibu to be losing my patience now with my husband. He has had depression diagnosed for a few years. As have I. I am also in a profession where we have to be mental health aware and am experienced in dealing with this, which makes things more difficult. He won't get help. It's all my fault. He makes me so angry I want to slap him with frustration. I tried to get him to seek new work but he won't. I try to get him to get help but he won't. He took over the bills when I had a severe period of.depression. but he didn't pay them. We owe thousands and I'm too scared to ring. I've just asked him to.seek help again and was met with a "well you haven't done everything you're supposed to" meaning that. He knows I'm terrified.and have really bad anxiety. How do I get him to get help? Or me? Is it my fault? When do you give up? We have teenage kids. Every time I try to talk we end up shouting as it's like speaking to a brick wall. Everything is defensive, or someone else's.fault , probably mine.

OP posts:
Andromache77 · 26/01/2021 11:18

Maybe you should stop trying. Try to fix the practical issues, by all means, get someone's help for that, if necessary, but stop trying to fix him because only he can do that. I have no direct experience of depression, but I don't think that you could do anything more than you've done. In fact, I don't think that you should, he's a grown-up, let him deal with his own issues and if he won't and it's impacting you and the whole family, then maybe think about separation or a divorce. At some point, you have to think of yourself and put your children first as well.

Original poster
Beelzebop · 26/01/2021 11:20

Thank you. I'm so sad and whenever I try to talk to him it's my fault. I'm sitting outside in the snow because he keeps saying things about me in front of kids. A lot of them may be true but he's making a point of having grown up discussions in front of the kids.

OP posts:
DFAMA · 26/01/2021 12:01

This is no way to live, get yourself and your kids away from that situation. He is showing you that he is far more interesting in blaming you than finding a resolution

SapatSea · 26/01/2021 12:30

I agree with Andromarche. You need to stop trying and look to your own MH and the safeguarding of your DC. Al-Anon always tell partners "You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" and I think it applies here too. He has to want to start treatment. For me, not engaging with treatment would be a red line. His treatment of you and your DC is beyond the pale. Your DC may seem fine but it will affect them and their own MH/anxiety.

Start looking into how you could manage without him. Think about getting him to leave for some apce. Carve out time alone, emotionally detach, tell him not to speak to you as he does and remove yourself if he is about to start. You are in a bad cycle - so don't engage with him.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/01/2021 12:33

I agree, do what needs to be done practically to alleviate your own health but you have to accept that you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Could you get some debt advice to try and help come up with a solution for the unpaid bills?

Calmandmeasured1 · 26/01/2021 12:41

You are not responsible for your husband. You cannot make him engage with MH services or see a GP. You can only choose how you respond to his lack of engagement.

However, I must admit he has a point about the finances. You are too scared to ring and try and resolve your financial problems. You are burying your head in the sand as he is about his mental health. Pots and kettles.

Santaiscovidfree · 26/01/2021 12:44

Ime there is a fine line between depression and Twatism.
Exh used his as a way to be verbally abusive.. Gave up trying to help when he turned crazed one day and shut a door on my arm.
He mixed alcohol with sleeping pills to scare me. Best day was when I threw him out.
Genuine reason not citing his depression as the actual end of our marriage..

DinosaurDiana · 26/01/2021 12:47

It’s not up to you to fix him, or put up with him. He isn’t prepared to do what would fix this.
Think about what you want for you, and your children 💐

DinosaurDiana · 26/01/2021 12:48

You need to get advice from a solicitor, this will give you choices.
Then, do you have family or friends that you feel you can off-load onto ? I’m sure it would make you feel better.

BornIn78 · 26/01/2021 12:51

This sounds like a toxic environment for your children and you don’t sound like a good partnership. Poor kids.

He took over the bills when you were unwell, he didn’t deal with them and now you can’t/won’t deal with them - what are you both going to do, wait ‘till bailiffs show up at the door? One of you needs to pull your head out of your arse.

I wonder how much of your depression and anxiety might be alleviated if you didn’t stay in this absolute mess of a relationship?

Sparklesocks · 26/01/2021 12:54

I’m sorry OP, it sounds so stressful.
But having mental health issues doesn’t mean you have a free pass to do whatever you like without consequences. The bottom line is if he’s not willing to help himself then you can’t help him. He needs professional support - maybe medication or therapy. You can’t force him if he doesn’t want that but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it either.

I think you’ve tried your best, but he hasn’t. It’s not like he’s trying to and you’re not supporting him in that. He’s not even trying. It’s ok to accept that this has gone as far as it can and think about next steps for yourself and your kids.

As they say, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

CSIblonde · 26/01/2021 12:55

He's made a choice not to address it, so realistically I think unless you do something to shock him into action, like leaving , it's never going to change. I'd put your energies into sieting the debt issue & reassess whether this is the life you want, going forward. It can't be doing your or your children any good to live with someone who isnt even tying to get well.

Wandavision · 26/01/2021 13:00

What happened to the money he was supposed to be using to pay the bills with? Did he blow it all? Start by ringing your creditors up. They'll be happy to hear from you and should be willing to set up repayment plans. If you feel you can't ring then contact CAB who can support you, also Stepchange. In a weird way you're actually in a better position currently due to COVID as debts are now being dealt with better than previously.

2020iscancelled · 26/01/2021 13:00

He’s made his choice now you must make yours.

He is choosing to not address his mental health issues. I suppose the question I would ask is - does he treat other people like he treats you?
Would he have no issue in talking to his wider family like this? Does he get angry and defensive at work? Have his friends been on the end of his behaviour also?
My guess is no. In which it means he is saving it all for you and choosing to treat you like this.

I’m not downplaying his mental illness or saying it isn’t genuine. However he has chosen not to address it to make all of your lives better.
So now you have to decide - are you accepting his decision or not.

My advice would be get some help with the debt, there are a lot of charities who can support you and provide guidance. Once you have tackled that and know where you are I would suggest you take a really long hard look at this relationship and decide if you can accept this as your life, because he isn’t going to change. He’s already told you that.

Eviebeans · 26/01/2021 13:00

My husband didn't seek help for his depression until I had given him an ultimatum. He did eventually seek and get help but it was a very long time before (and we are talking years) until I could view him as a partner again...

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 26/01/2021 13:01

OP, I say all of this with kindness and care. You need to think about the environment your kids are in. Right now. You need to find someone in your real life to talk to about the bills and make a plan for dealing with it. Not your husband. He needs help but can’t be helped by you or anyone until he wants it.

There are options for you. Don’t panic. Help can be sought. You need to act and be driven by the care you have for your kids. Don’t let them grow up in a house with such tension and danger. Their own mental health is fragile and needs to be guided and protected.

Eviebeans · 26/01/2021 13:03

I hadn't felt able to depend on him in any way and so I felt very resentful - still do to a degree. We don't have children together and there are some days when I still think separating would have been for the best.

contrmary · 26/01/2021 13:05

It sounds like a case where the blame is split 50/50 down the middle. You're both harming the relationship through your own mental illnesses. It's fair enough to not be happy that he isn't dealing with his own problems in the way that you think he should, but you need to address your own problems too - anxiety and avoidance for a start.

Melange99 · 26/01/2021 13:08

I am sorry you are going through this. Some good advice on here, some of it I need to read myself today. Thanks

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