*Trigger warning*What can I do about historical assault?

[primrosekelly]

Hi everyone,

Long time poster here but name changed for this one. I wasn't sure where to post this so have put it here as I know it's a busy place.

Before I start, please don't read on if you are triggered by stories of sexual assault. Sending you strength and love!!!!

So..I want to know what I should/can do really regarding something that happened to me almost 8 years ago.

In 2013 I went travelling. I ended up in Sydney, Australia where I got a 6 month work contract with a tv channel. I was the only woman in an office of 8 men but it was really fun day to day. I loved it. They were all lovely a part from the managing director, everyone's boss. I was admin and he treated me like shit on his shoe. Hardly spoke to me directly and was just a moody arsehole around the office.

Anyway, one night we all went out for a work do...we went to numerous bars and I drank a lot. Everyone drank a lot. I ended up being really drunk, so drunk I was falling about the place. Bar staff were refusing to serve me. Not my finest hour.

I don't remember a lot but what I do remember is one of my colleagues suggesting I go home. He was right, I needed to go home to bed. The boss offered to take me. I was put in a taxi with him....but instead of taking me home, he took me back to the office. I remember the taxi pulling up and thinking..why am I here?

My next memory is that I'm in the office and I am bent over my desk. You can imagine what was happening. My face was pushed down into the wood and it was hurting. All I was thinking about was his wife for some reason. That she wouldn't be happy he was doing this. In my mind, I was a rag doll, being moved into various positions. I just let it happen. I was guided to a sofa at one point and pushed down onto it. I looked at the ceiling and wished I was home. This is all I recall.

The next morning I woke up, in my bed with a very bad hangover. The whole night was a big blur and I didn't even remember the office bit. It was a Saturday but I had to go to a rugby game for work. I didn't think he would be there but he was. As soon as I saw him I remembered, and I was terrified. He didn't say a word to me the entire time.

I didn't go to the police. I didn't do anything and I have never told anyone about what happened. He was a big successful man, the managing director of a TV channel and I was the admin...I thought it would be his word against mine and I couldn't bare the thought of it being suggested it was consensual. But I get flashbacks all the time. A smell or sound will remind me of that night. The tv channel will be
mentioned, or rugby will be on tv, or I'll hear his first name somewhere....and I'm reminded.

I finished my work contract shortly after. I did some more travelling and then came home.
In the short term, it didn't have a hugely negative impact on me? It wasn't a clear memory and I put it down to me being way too drunk and vowed to never put myself in that position again. So I carried on with my life...I don't know if this was denial and self-preservation.

However, that night has been bothering me for months now. I regret not doing anything at the time so much. I am so angry that I let that man get away with what he did. I have started to realise how awful it was of him and that I wasn't in the wrong for being so drunk. I blamed myself for a long time.

I am worried it is too late to do anything now though? It was in a different country and was so long ago... he is an Irish man and still out there I believe...

I have since met my partner and had two children. He doesn't know about what happened so I think my first step is to speak to him. But then what? I don't want to just go to counselling to get over it.., I want to put right a wrong. Can I go to police here? Am I going to be fighting a losing battle though? It still would be my word against his but What if he does it again? It feels so unfair he gets to behave that way and not be punished.

So I would be grateful on any points of view on this. You all have helped me a lot in the past. Apologies for the long post and dark subject matter!!

Thanks all

Honestly I don't think this would lead to conviction but that's wrong and I still think you should report. Start here with your SARC (sexual assault referral clinic). Not sure how it works there but here the SARC can take an anonymous report from you to be passed onto police and used in the event of any other reports against him. They will also help with support and counselling.

The process of you want to report is to go to your local police. They should take the report, take your statement etc, and then there is a process they go through whereby they would send it out to the police force with jurisdiction where the assault happened.

I’m afraid I don’t know about Australian law around rape where you are too drunk to consent, but I have a feeling that their sexual offences laws may be similar to ours.

What the Australian police would do about it, I don’t know. They should investigate. But proving rape in these circumstances (when you were clearly too drunk to consent) is difficult with the passage of time, because it’s hard to prove that you were unable to consent on that night many years ago. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t report it. I would also seek out some support. The police should refer you to support services if you want them to, or you can contact places like Rape crisis directly. They have people who can specifically support you through the reporting process (they are called ISVAs) as well as counsellors etc.

Good luck xx

Can I ask how old you were and how old he was? It's possible that if you were much younger than him it might make it more likely to be a conviction. Not that it should.

Thank you @SummerHouse I think you're right.

He was in his 40s and I was 22 at the time.

Thank you @Coldilox that is great advice. I will look into that

I am so sorry this happened. What a disgusting beast of a man. I hate him.

As people state above, you should really contact RCC, SARC of whatever it is called in your location. You were 100% not to blame in any way. You need to speak with someone experienced.

It is never to late to report, and never never easy. In fact, many many people report years, decades later. I work in legal system (and from police and related services) you would not believe the number of historical reports from 70, 80, 90s! You will be heard, but progression beyond that ... very unlikely :(

From your description above, it is VERY unlikely that what happened was once off. He has likely done that before, and again afterwards. With computerized records, and better case management, multiple reports concerning an individual will likely raise flags. You reporting may help the police in other cases.

I remembered this story when the story broke today in Australia about the staffer being raped at Parliament House. Seems like taking young women back to the office is a tactic used by these men. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hate them, I really do.

Sorry to read this OP. What a disgusting bastard

How are you getting on op? I hope that you've been able to speak to someone and report this somehow and that you're getting support now.

I'll bet you were not the first or last that he did this to, if it happens that someone else has reported or does in the future that will add weight to any prosecution. I know you said that you drank a lot but to be that much more drunk than the others suggests to me that you may have been spiked and that he had planned it from the start rather than just taking the opportunity. Rich powerful men thinking they are entitled to anything they want

Thank so much.

Thanks to all your messages I felt strong enough to proceed with taking action.

I have decided to fill out something called a SARO with NSW police online. It's a way of reporting a sexual assault which doesn't instigate a police investigation but instead is a way of creating a record of what occurred which can be used as evidence if anyone else can forward.

They require a lot of information and detail so I'm trying to make my way through it but it's difficult,

I told my partner and he has been fantastic.

I have also reached out to my local rape crisis centre, there's a 3 month waiting list for support which I am now on.

I feel better already just by taking this very first small steps.

❤️

*came forward

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You're clearly doing the right things already. I wonder though - if he is such a big shot, and as a media executive in the public eye, wouldn't there be a way - if you can stomach it - to alert, say, a competing media outlet? They should be willing to follow up on the story without publishing your name.

As others have said, there is reason to suspect you're not the only woman he assaulted - considering, for example, that he was brazen enough to turn up at your work gig the next day. If you get the ball rolling, others may come forward, and hopefully he'll get the downfall he deserves.

Of course, going public is risky even if anonymous, and not having been in the situation, I'm naive about what it might entail. I don't mean to urge you to do anything that exceeds your stress tolerance.

Good on you! You are doing so so well x

Well done and good luck.

Thankyou for reporting this, from someone who is not brave enough to report her own attacker.

♥️ sending you love xo

You are brilliant! You never know, your information be enough to prompt an investigation and for witnesses or other victims to come forward. As pp said, he's likely a serial offender. I hope they catch the shitty excuse for a man.

@primrosekelly, thanks for posting that update. I was wondering what you decided to do, since it is such a big decision.

Working in this general area (but not in that country), historical reporting is increasingly common. By historical, it can mean weeks, months, years, decades. As you say evidence is a huge issues. In serial cases, evidence from one, supported by totally independent credible reports (without evidence) will result in those cases being prioritized.

Regardless of the outcome, you have helped the police by supplying more information, which many be very helpful.

An earlier post mentions going public. My personal advice would be not doing that, and following the established process.

Good luck with the rest of the process, but don't get hopes up. Please follow up with RCC, it will be really worth it